A Loner's Corner

Live Life For The Day

2011-05-30T13:47:00.005+08:00

Ahhh, its the summer holiday.. Bye bye to Year 2 and moving on to Year 3.. Highs and lows in Second year, but I'm glad it ended off pretty well towards the end. Guess it will be one of the most memorable period in my time in NTU.

2nd Sem was very tight. IHG, Hexis, Cult nite and followed closely by exams. I'm proud of certain achievements obtained in this sem.. Rugby got into semi. It was something that I took pride in.. Given the fact that i didnt have a very strong sport background (ever since I ballooned), along with no prior knowledge in Rugby, I was given the responsibility to lead the hall guys as captain. I glad most of the guys that been through rugby with me in year one returned in the 2nd yr, with greater passion and drive to win.. Mind that they are ppl without rugby background too. Rugby started in a mess initially,with diff set of problems from last yr. What last year lack of guys to play initially was replaced by the lack of a proper coach to mentor the team. Not saying that last year coaching was very gd to, since the coach wasnt around most of the time last yr.. Seniors tried to step up and help out in training (which is suppose to be gd) but cause we didnt have a proper system/ foundation last yr, everyone was teaching different things. This was one of my greatest regrets for rugby.. I bet the juniors were confused. Thank God Ziqi became our coach and strict disciplines were drilled into us. Our team started to take some form, with every member has a role and position to play. Compared to last year, we know what we are doing, where we are running, we know what rugby is truly abt. I too thx the addition of Evan, Ronald, Vishnu, Kenneth Wong, Daiqi to the team and both Esmond/ Jonathan despite not an official squatters to play for us. These new additions meant alot to the team and I'm glad to be able to entrust Evan the role of Captaincy for next academic yr. Though rugby will lose a few players due to graduating snr (Jerome, thx for the support all the while), and probably Alvin and Pohshen due to final yr, weeyong due to exchange, I hope to find more ppl with passion n drive to join rugby next sem. Afterall, our team is not an all-start team but one with 100% hardwork. I was hoping the Rugby to win the best Sport Team of the Year though. Cause i really feel that we put in alot of effort though we dun win the medals.. Anyway, thanks Rugby 2010/2011.. Members - Forwards: Me, ZiQi, WeeYong, PohShen, Ronald, Kenneth Kum, Vishnu, Esmond Backs: GareRern, Edwin, DaiQi, PinLon, Alvin, Kenneth Wong, Gabriel, Jonathan, Syafiq, Bryan, Evan. Thanks..

Hockey and Softball didnt perform up to standard though.. Esp softball, we didnt have enough training for whole year.. Hockey had the potential to go far, but we underestimated our opponent though.. Gotta try harder next yr.. Cheer and Dance were disappointing too.. We trained so hard, esp for cheer.. Hmmm, at least we bonded well during that period. Oh well, there is always next yr..

Last 2 months of the sem were the best, in fact most enjoyable one.. My life has been rather mundane before, esp after what has happened one yr before.. I dunno what was the biggest factor that led to this change, but its a change that i asked for.. I'm glad God placed her in my life, to change my attitude towards how i'm living my life, to remember how it feels to be loving and be in love again. At times, i do wonder what lies ahead of us. All the uncertainties, esp when she graduating while i still got 2 more years to go.. Both of us are God-loving and fearing, so i hope God will bless our relationship. I know she been through alot in the past, alot of the time hurt by others.. I want to protect her, love her, be there for her and in other to do that, i need God to give me the wisdom and heart to do so, so that she will never need to go through another painful relationship. I will treasure you and love you, and God shall be our witness.

Now that she is currently in europe to enjoy her graduation with her friends, I pray for her safety while wish that she continues to have fun.. Missing her right now..

you drive me crazy.. thinking of you.. guess that the power of love

Give Thanks

2011-04-10T18:57:00.002+08:00

Lesson of the Day:

Life is short. You can either choose to complain that roses have thorns or be glad that thorn bushes have roses.

One Thing, Two Perspectives. Be Positive or Negative. Live life to the Fullest or Sulk it Away.

God gave us humans the Freedom of Choice because He loves us. Do we Treasure or Waste it away? Something for me to ponder about and learn.

Empowered by Him and You everyday

So it happens again..

2011-03-30T03:57:00.005+08:00

이선희 [Lee Seon-Heui] – 여우 비 (Yeo-u Bi/Fox Rain) from My Girlfriend Is A Gumiho

TRANSLATION

I still don’t understand love
So I can’t get any closer
But why does my foolish heart keep pounding?
I’m haunted by you again and again
I just can’t get away
This hopeless love
Hurts my heart so much
Going from day to night
You’re all I think about
Being so pitiful and silly
What should I do?
The heart follows love
What am I going to do?
This hopeless love
Hurts my heart so much
Going from day to night
You’re all I think about
Being so pitiful and silly
What should I do?
The day when my pain fades away
Will that day ever come?
Being so pitiful and silly
What can I do after all?
The moonlight is so beautiful
I just can’t get away
Let me lie down by your side for a moment
A moment, just a moment

Being so pitiful and silly. What am I going to do? Just a moment, its only a dream right?

If we continue to see each other as "2nd", what the whole point getting together in the 1st place? Am I not worthy enough?

Somebody to Love

2011-03-21T22:04:00.003+08:00

Somebody to Love by Big Bang

Somebody to love.
Can you hear me?
I want somebody to love.
Somebody to love!
Somebody to love.
Just to stop all of this searching now.
I want somebody to love.
Some-somebody to love.
Before tonight ends without anything.

I’ve been waiting for today.
I’ve kept thinking about it.
We’ve had so many hard times throughout this relationship, girl.
How many time have we crossed paths?
Falling for you every time.
I just can’t figure these things out at all, what should I do?
So, you still don’t know me well?
Excuse me, miss.
If you’re still not sure about this, then,
I’ve got you, babe.
I’m gonna protect my girl, don’t doubt.
Don’t try testing my love right now, girl.
I’m different from other guys.
I know what you’re wanting right now, girl!

Somebody to love!
Somebody to love.
Just to stop all of this searching now.
I want somebody to love.
Some-somebody to love.
Before tonight ends without anything.

I can’t get over last night,
Your beauty held me so tight.
(Just two of us.)
Not enough, tell me what’s wrong with you, girl.
I’ll listen to it all, everything that you want to say, captain.
Take my hand.
Be my angel.
Ring my bell.

The feeling inside my heart is making its’ way to you.
As I close my eyes and sit, I’m being driven over.
Tik, tik, tok, Time will never stop for us.
Don’t stop.
Don’t be afraid, open your heart up.
Make it bounce, make it bounce, make it bounce.

Somebody to love!
Somebody to love.
Just to stop all of this searching now.
I want somebody to love.
Some-somebody to love.
Before tonight ends without anything.

When I say “Somebody”,
Then you say “To-to love.”
When I say “Somebody”,
Then you say “To-to love.”
Somebody.
To love.
Somebody.
To love.
Somebody.
To love.
Somebody to love.

Even though I don’t know what I’m thinking about,
Thinking whether I want to finish this or not.
Until now, I haven’t felt anything like this.
You need somebody to love, too.
Somebody to love, too.
Go and break up with someone.
Go and look for someone else.
Somebody’s man, or their woman, just do it.
Who am I now?

With somebody.
To somebody.
Somebody’s man, or their woman, ask them,
Who are you now?

Somebody to love!
Somebody to love.
Just to stop all of this searching now.
I want somebody to love.
Some-somebody to love.
Before tonight ends without anything.

Somebody to love!
Somebody to love.
I need you right now,
So baby stay by my side.

I want somebody to love.
Some-somebody to love.

You, you, oh you!
Baby!

When I say “Somebody”,
Then you say “To-to love.”
When I say “Somebody”,
Then you say “To-to love.”
Somebody.
To love.
Somebody.
To love.
Somebody.
To love.
Somebody to love.

Tik, tik, tok, Time will never stop for us

((((((((((((((((((((((((:

2011-03-19T22:39:00.003+08:00

Mega smile

Love does wonder.. I'm caught smiling to myself several times this week by my friends.. I'm so excited about everyday, knowing something exciting gonna happen on a brand new day.. I hope you are feeling the same too (:

I felt I could take on the world with just only you by my side ((:

Cloud 9

2011-03-16T23:35:00.004+08:00

Things are too good to be true.. Is it really what I think it is or I'm just living a dream? What if it is a wild goose chase again? Will I be able to take it again?

Is it just a sweet dream? A bubble, beautiful yet short-lived??

Life is a Mystery

2011-03-07T11:58:00.003+08:00

Around and around.. Time passes.. Couldnt believe the last time I blogged was abt one yr ago.. Guess my indulgence in K-pop was the main source to keep mind clear and running away from reality that time..

Life still the same as ever.. Mundane, simple and smooth sailing.. Series of trg one after another.. Rushing for lectures and lessons.. This isn't what I wanted.. I need a breakthrough.. I need a change..

God is still guiding me and He always does.. Yet, I sense myself hitting a low point soon.. Maybe I'm too comfortable and contended with what I have? But this contradicts myself current mundane lifestyle..

My guard towards others has raised compared to the past.. I'm more critical, cold, selfish.. I can't exactly explain this change in me.. Could it be that I was trying to keep myself shut in order to protect myself?

I have been hearing things.. Things I myself not sure if I could truly believe.. If its true, things that I wished and prayed for one year ago are in fact actually granted by God now.. Indeed, He listens to us.. But still, I can't read what are you actually thinking, feeling.. It felt like a rat race against myself.. Sometimes, all you need is to be brave, be confident in yourself.. You are much greater than who you think you are..

So pls wipe those tears away.. Say no more words of regrets..You are beautiful just the way you are.. God created you in the image of Himself.. He will mould and shape you to become the ultimate person He wanted you to be.. Be proud of who you are.. Raise your head cause He is always there for you, so am I..

Cry no more.. He does not come to us to bring us suffering and pain, but love and hope

Hiatus

2010-06-14T23:31:00.002+08:00

Back from Hiatus... Been nearly one and half month since i last blogged..

I have reached the end of my first year in uni.. Looking back, time sure really flies.. I could still remember that i was prep-ing for uni admission one yr back.. Matri card n administration, my first orientation camp, hsoc, 1st week of academic sem (no tutorial), IBG, dnd & pageant, MAF, sports (rugby, hockey n softball), recess week, exam, endless nights in front of the study table, late runs at night, IHG, Cheer and Dance, Cultural Night, more mugging...

i could not believe a yr just passed like that.. I enjoyed my time in NTU n Hall, but i guess the biggest joy doesnt comes from these 2.. Its the ppl i have outside NTU that make my day on gloomy days..

strangely, despite becoming more hectic due to my heavy involvement in hall, i manage to always find some time to spend with church brothers.. This past one yr we get to see the return of hanzong.. I'm grateful to God for that.. I thought we have lost him, but God has His way of recovering His lost sheep.. In fact, we are meeting now very frequent on top of the usual sat n sun fellowship n service/sunday sch.. We always enjoy our conversation together.. On the other hand, i guess the attention to get hz back with us should be transferred to terrence.. edmund too, we dun really get to see much of him nowdays.. i wan to get junjie n jianliang more involved in our grp too, though i cant really find a common topic with junjie..

xin graduated from NUS.. Her decision to enter childcare was a rather big decision.. No matter wad her decision is, i strongly believe we (cj, ying, mel n me) will support her.. With her passion n determination, her dream of opening her own childcare centre will be achieved.. Only thing is, i dun want to be her her workplace.. Kids drive me crazy..

I'm absolutely sure that these are the 2 grps of ppl that will follow with me for the rest of my life..

Have been pretty hot-headed with my dad lately.. Our conversation always ended up badly.. I hoped things will improve slowly again.. Sometimes, we take ppl for granted, esp the close ones, when we stay together.. Things were much better when i was still in hall..

I found a new passion during this period of time: the korean craze.. i cant believe i was also swept along but the kpop fever.. 2 months ago, i bet that i could not even differentiate the girls in snsd.. They looked the same to me.. N now, im constantly watching korean variety/ reality shows, hooked up with their songs n dances.. So much from abstaining free the kpop groups n craze..(but i really korean fashion sense) bye bye japan..

While watching this particular korean reality show (We Got Married), it brought my attention abt "married couples" in the show.. The concept of the show is to bring 2 celebrities together through a fake marriage and live as married couple, going through wad a real couple do in life.. While i do enjoy this show (for its comedy and creativity), it often makes me ponder abt how much is this show is scripted.. Scripted as in, is the show truly reflecting the real celebrities in life??? Sometime, the show portrays marriage way too simplified n beautiful.. There are also instances where marriage values are blurred, roles btw husband n wife confused.. I too wondered if the feelings the "couples" had in the show stays within the recording only.. Watching such shows also kinda twisted my idea of ideal partner in future.. Guess this explains why lesser ppl are getting married nowdays due to influence from mass media, where ppl get unrealistic expectations for their future spouse based on the pretty pictures painted by such sources..

hmmmm... lacking of inspiration to blog.. guess because im pretty contended with my current lifestyle??? Think its a bad thing as complacency kicks in.. Just like what happened to King David.. Maybe i need a gd kick in the butt by God soon???

Why seek for the impossible when the Good has been laid out right before you

Last Paper

2010-05-04T11:11:00.004+08:00

In abt 2 hrs time, im gonna start on my last paper.. Prepared yet not confident cause it is not one of my strongest topic.. Just gonna go in n give me best and not going to think abt it after that.. Looking forward to my well deserved long break (:

I cant believe i managed to mug n stayed disciplined throughout the past one month..Have been crazy.. i had actually set the record of walking less than 100m a day for myself.. cereal munching.. Constant mugging in room alone, my gr almost away somewhere with someone out there.. actually, i think i should have just go on with my application for single room.. its like though we are staying in a double room, we (or me) are living the life of a single room.. Of coz, staying in double got its perks.. sometimes we talk abt personal stuff and motivate one another when we are down, practice dance steps in room or work out together.. Just that, ever since the start of this sem, the amount of time we spent together in room was so much lesser as compared to previous sem.. i dun blame him, he got his obligations.. lol, i sounded as if im very possessive!!!

wadever the case, im gonna stick with the choice i made.. i might not even continue to stay on in hall in yr 3 since i will be away for exchange n IA.. Argh.. wadever la, one step at a time..

had dinner with dad on sun night.. cant stop smiling whenever i looked at his eyebrow.. a part of it was cut away by mum accidentally when she trimmed his hair.. till now haven grow back.. guess there is something cute abt my dad.. it was nice of him to ask me out for dinner.. in fact, mum scolded him when he wanted to bring me to imm for a chill n walk session..i believe he is trying to reach out to us.. n i myself, should do so too, open up my heart to him.. felt kinda bad that i didnt really share much whenever he asked me abt my personal life or so.. i need to be more sensitive towards his feelings..

Worship leader for this sun.. hope the choice of songs selected suit the sermon and message that the pastor and God wanted to convey.. im not goonna focus too much on myself but on the worship and leading the whole congregation to prepared them for the Words.. pray that the Lord will guide His servant..

Gonna focus for the next 1 last hr n enter the battlefield..

Can't resist smiling.. Kimi ni Todoke

Friendship

2010-05-01T00:22:00.003+08:00

Friendships in hall are so superficial and fake.. People that you thought u can rely the most are the one that disappoint the most.. Indeed, hall in just a hotel and not a home, just simply a roof and wall to me.. People that you can rely on are brothers and sisters in Church, and friends that truly went through thick and thin with u, like cj xin mel ying etc.. though we might not meet up much or even talk regularly, whenever we do really meet up, we can converse as though we just met yesterday.. Not like hall, though u see each other everyday, u put up a mask and be a hypocrite.. Yes, hall life is indeed fun, but at times, it's just disappointing and laughable.. "Friends" made in hall really do stay within the hall.. Literally stay..

3 more days to end of exam.. There is so much i want to do.. Learn cooking from Cora, guitar, work out, clear my piles of games tat i stacked in a corner, my walk with God, spend more time with mum, dad n sis, and probably work.. Before all these, mambo rambo will come first..

A new step into the future and past be forgotten

Peace in me

2010-04-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

寶貴十架 (Precious Cross)

Link to music video

主耶穌我感謝你
你的身體為我而捨
帶我出黑暗進入光明國度
使我再次能看見

主耶穌我感謝你
你的寶血為我而流
寶貴十架上醫治恩典湧流
使我完全得自由

# 寶貴十架的大能賜我生命
主耶穌我俯伏敬拜你
寶貴十架的救恩是你所立的約
你的愛永遠不會改變

Has been my favorite choice of song as a worship leader.. Lord, pls give me wisdom in selecting the best songs to represent the sermon on 9th..

Kimi ni Todoke

2010-04-25T14:38:00.003+08:00

Kimi ni Todoke (To reach you)

Link to Music Video

In that gentle spot warmed by the sun, the chime is delayed
The wind brushing my cheeks turns into my deep breath

In that gentle spot warmed by the sun, the chime is delayed
The wind brushing my cheeks turns into my deep breath

These childish feelings
The days we laughed together happily
I hope we come to treasure them
You surpassed this disconnected time
And gave me lots of firsts
I'll connect them to you, I'll reach you

The after school sunset, your back, as you're laughing
Secret whispers, inside these untouched feelings

The you inside of me, and the me inside of you
Are all interweaving future-colored lines

The smell of the town after the rain
And the dream-like secret I hold in my heart
So many times I've felt like crying, but then laughed instead
Rather than thinking about it, hurry up
It's fine if you just fly into my heart
To connect to you, to reach you

In front of you, cherished more than anyone
is someone who cherishes you so that you won't get hurt, that's right, it's me
Even if your words somehow become "goodbye" instead
Everything will be as it is

These childish feelings
The days we laughed together happily
I hope we come to treasure them
I'll become just a little grown up
Surpassing the me that wants to be just like you
To connect to you
Right now
To reach you

What and who am I reaching out for?

Looking Back

2010-04-25T08:02:00.004+08:00

Dad have to work today, so I met up with him early just now to have a breakfast.. As usual, we dun really talk much even though we have not really sat down together for like 2 weeks..

However, we suddenly had this random conversation about my sis.. He was saying that he felt guilty for kinda neglecting my sis when she was young.. Reason being is because that he focused too much on me in the past.. I guess it all started during primary school period?? We were from the same primary school.. Though we are one year apart in term of age, she excelled in almost everything, studies, sports and curriculum.. And when she once ranked 3rd in her year, my dad was very impressed and confident in her that she would do well academically. On the other hand, i was the one always in trouble.. Poor grades, disciplinary problems.. It was probably when i was pri 5 when he engaged a tutor for me to guide me in my studies though it was pretty taxing on the family's financial status during that time..

As expected, i didnt do well n i went to a neighboring sch.. My dad was kinda disappointed.. Thinking that was able to get into Maris Stella Sec at least.. And in my sec school, he continued to spend more time n attention to allow me to do better academically.. But in the process, my sis was neglected.. She started to decline in her grades, and eventually got into a neighboring school like it did.. Guess dad was disappointed but he didnt voiced out to us..

As im always a yr ahead of my sis, more time n attention is always spent on me by the tutor.. Sec 2 streaming and o' lvl.. whereas my sis is always following after me.. Guess this kinda extinguish her interest in studies cause my dad will often compare our grades and achievements, which i kinda dislike cause we are pretty different by nature.. When i got into JC, dad was very happy.. Cause im the 1st in the family to enter jc (which eventually will move on to uni) This kinda further impose a greater pressure on my withdrawn sis. She eventually spoke less at home, esp to my dad.. Her temper flew very quickly whenever she talked to him..

I can never forget the moment where she approached me during the period near her O lvl.. She came to me crying, saying how much pressure she was under to perform for this major exam.. Dad was constantly pressuring her to follow my footstep: get into a jc n eventually uni.. She knew that she hate this kinda of lifestyle and was very fearful of my dad.. All i could do was to say a few simple words of encouragement and offered her as my help for her upcoming exams within a limited time.. Never have i seen such a fragile side of her before.. The butt kicking, super wrestling sis was actually crying n breaking down in front of me.. Guess everyone has a weak side they choose to hide.. I met up with my brothers on the following fellowship session.. I broke down too when i shared abt this.. I was so focused on my personal life that i neglected the only sibling i had.. I too felt guilty and ashamed for not being there for her when she was at her lowest..

In the end, she got into poly, n me into uni after that.. She met lloyd.. I was glad she affected her positively in a way i failed to do so.. She became very focused, and surprised us with her intention to further her studies after poly.. Maybe love is a very powerful tool in driving us forward.. Still, relationship between dad n her didnt really get better.. With her coming home later n dressing up more, which my dad was quite unhappy abt it initially, arguments became more frequent..

But somehow, she has kinda settled down lately..Ever since she entered uni, she is very focus, in term of both academically and relationship it lloyd.. as in, she managed to balance very well.. In fact that she rank 2nd in her prevent sem proved that she was capable all along.. Just that we didnt give her sufficient space for growth.. N i believe that is what my dad felt guilty abt..

Life maybe full of regrets and sorrows.. But we can resolve them in a very peaceful manner if we choose to handle it positively.. I seriously hoped that my dad would not be affected by this whole past as my sis would not be what she is now.. The friends she had, lloyd, sch, everything.. It was all in a package.. What happen has happened.. I hope God can release dad from this shackle..

I too have thought abt what happened recently... Last month was one of my irrational phase of my life.. Never have i been so uncool, insensitive, emotional and hasty in my decisions and actions.. It was not my usual self of handling things and problems.. Every judgment i made was rash and one sided.. Guess i was too delusional for my own good that time.. got carried away by my emotions where i have never been so open before.. Of cause this whole sage actually taught and reminded me alot of learning point.. Being the 1st time ever to take initiative to ask a gal out, it totally feels very diff as compared to be asked out.. It is really easier to be loved than love.. Cause, sometime no matter how much strong feelings u have for the other party, as long she in not interested due to various reasons, the whole thing will be just a one side chase.. In love, things should not be forced and be allowed to take place naturally.. Like what khai said, it should be an accidental, effortless and not painful.. Its only scary when u look back after u fallen to see how far u had fall.. I went on to the point of trying too hard, to the extent that she felt uncomfortable and threatened.. She might not say it, but i can feel it.. Looking back, i looked so dumb and stupid.. like a wild goose chase.. Its no wonder any gal will feel insecure if u are with such a guy, let alone her when she needs ever more of such assurance.. How could she even feel safe if we get together.. Guessed this rejection kinda become a wakeup call to me as well as a reminder to be close to God again.. during this period, i really distanced myself from God..

So im goona just let it be, be my usual self, n not try so hard.. what comes will eventually come.. no point rushing.. If she doesnt want to accept me, there is no way to reach her despite doing so much.. This past 2 weeks i had calmed down alot.. my thoughts and rationale start coming back to me.. This is really a one big learning point in life..

Learn, glance and move on..

One down, 5 more to go

2010-04-22T19:32:00.001+08:00

Math over!! Thank God for that ((: Skipped like 5 qns in a row before managing to the the 1st qn.. UBER PANICKY.. But lucky things got better on second attempt.. Was singing in the exam hall to keep upself up n motivated.. Hopefully, i did well for this paper since i spent LOTS of time mugging.. Problem is, i have very limited time for the rest!!

God kinda answered to me through quiet time yesterday regarding on my previous post.. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.. We might be wasting on the outside, but within us, we are being renewed everyday.. The reason why we are going through so much troubles now is to prepare us for eternal glory.. Yes, eternal n not something temporary.. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Yes, why get bounded by the world where is brings nothing but pain n sorrow.. Must learn to distinguish btw permanent and what is passing away..

We must not lose heart.. "We can partner with our pain and go on serving, praying, loving, caring to the end of our days. We can know strength of character despite our frail humanity; we can show patient endurance and love for others in the midst of our discomfort.Despite our momentary troubles, we can press on, for we have glimpsed the glory that far outweighs them all." Well said.. Do not lose heart..

As for today QT, it again answered another question of mine.. 2 Chron 18:28-19:3.. Rather random verse for someone who might be following the QT material, but it applied alot for me for this occasion. Its a reminder to me to chose the righteous path and not follow blindly with the world.. Though it is good to join hands with the righteous, helping others u meet on ur path, if u make an alliance with evil, it will incur God's displeasure and wrath.. It kinda bring me to think abt a conversation regarding on lady gaga.. rumors said that she is doing so successfully now is due to the fact that she sold her sold to the devil.. Her songs are so catchy yet dark.. It somehow manage to capture the mainstream.. Esp those who are troubled, like me for e.g when i was feeling month one month ago.. As if the song is like calling to me to seek comfort through it.. Den i start drowning myself in her music.. gosh.. Though she might be commercially successful now, walking with the devil is a path towards doom itself.. And the Lord shall not take this lightly.. Whether she really did or many other successful stars n ppl in the society dons so too, we wun know.. All we know is that the Hand of God, judgment, will come down hard when the end comes..

More mug mug time.. Phy and computing next.. ZZZzzz... Getting out of shape too.. Gosh.. All the static trg are insufficient.. Gonna be another week of "no home"

Right and wrong can never be partners. Thank Lord for Your Words..

1 Hour

2010-04-22T12:03:00.002+08:00

Paper in one hour time.. Confident yet fearful.. The next 2.5 hr will be mind over body.. Constantly get stress n blank out in examination.. Hopefully, this coming n following papers are exceptions..

Argh.. God, Past Year Papers and Banana Nut Crunch, please bless n save me..

Houki Boshi

2010-04-21T19:59:00.003+08:00

Houki Boshi(Comet)

Link To Music Video

Looking up at the night sky alone, I saw a comet
Though it appeared and vanished in a second
When I think of you, my chest begins to hurt
I want to see you right now, but I can't fly through the sky

If perchance I could have become a comet
I would go flying through the sky
No matter what kind of tomorrow comes, this thought is strong
So my comet is unbreakable

As I was complaining about how hateful the rain was
Even now I still remember what you said
How, after the rain, the night sky is beautifully filled with stars
Thinking of that, I could even come to like the rain

If perchance I could have become a comet
I would always spill my overflowing light
As you look at the night sky when you're sad
I want to sparkle more so that you will smile

You are always fighting something by yourself
Being by your side is all I can do

If perchance I could have become a comet
I would go flying thorugh the sky, surely
I would definitely reach you, with this single moment of light
Lighting up your present and passing through the sky
If I could have become a comet
I would surely stay by your side, at any time

This song has such a cheerful melody, yet with such sad meaning behind it.. Are you the same too??? Appearing cheerful on the outside, yet sad n lonely inside??

Somehow, I felt it.. I hope I'm wrong

When going gets tough

2010-04-20T19:41:00.007+08:00

Finally completed the past yr papers for math.. Helped alot in the understanding of the topic.. Thought i would struggle with this since i didnt get to practice much.. Confidence level up by one.. 2 more days to start of exam.. If im able to keep up with my pace, maybe i will be able to pull it off somehow.. just that i still need more time for practices..

Room and table are in a mess.. I lost track of time.. It's just paper after paper.. The sun goes up and down.. If i were this consistent with my work for the whole sem, maybe i wun be in such a tight spot..

It can get kinda lonely at night.. When gr is always not in room and out studying with shiling.. It's just me and tons of books and papers piled up before me.. Sometimes, it could even be depressing too.. I just lock myself in the room for whole day and sat by the study table.. The mind too will occasionally drift off to unpleasant and unhappy thoughts..

What is love?? What is the difference btw friends, btw a mother and a child, btw siblings, btw a man and a woman, or even btw man and God? What is true love?? What is love at 1st sight?? Of cause, there is no love greater than God.. But, it can get pretty confusing in the midst of everyday life.. What is right and what is wrong??? What is absolute? They are just so puzzling.. What is trust and who to trust?? Those that u think u can totally surrender and entrust end up up disappointing the most.. To listen or to patronize? Which is which?? To be there or not?? When your presence or comments does even make a difference.. I hate it when i have to preach abt something that i myself dun even believe or do.. It is so frustrating to be a person who ponders and think so much where nothing can be done.. Why do i get myself so upset thinking about it when its all over? or it didnt even begin in the 1st place.. It just gets depressing to think abt it.. Nothing is eternal in this world.. What do i believe and uphold?? Lord, grant me strength..

Let me tide over this darkness so that I could go somewhere far away.. somewhere the mind can find true peace and tranquility.. somewhere your pasts and bondage are unable to catch up with you..

Arghh.. I need more optimism.. If I could just buy that

Yes, isolation.. It is only the best and most effective way..

Down

2010-04-19T22:45:00.005+08:00

Down (Jay Sean)

Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, down,
Even if the sky is falling down,
Down, down
Ooh (ohhh)

You oughta know, tonight is the night to let it go,
Put on a show, i wanna see how you lose control,

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Just let it be, come on and bring your body next to me,
I’ll take you away, hey, turn this place into our private getaway,

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Even if the sky is falling down like she supposed to be,
She gets down low for me,
Down like her temperature, ’cause to me she zero degree,
She cold, overfreeze,
I got that girl from overseas,
Now she my miss America,
now can i be her soldier please,
I’m fighting for this girl,
On the battlefield of love,
Don’t it look like baby cupid sending arrows from above,
Don’t you ever leave the side of me,
Indefinitely, not probably,
and honestly im down like the economy,
Yeahhhhhh

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape,

(So why don’t we run away)

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down

I miss those Genersis times, where u dance dance and dance.. When nothing worries, just simply let go and go all out..

Strength From Within

2010-04-19T20:03:00.004+08:00

Revised math and phy today.. Felt better and more confident slightly.. And u know wad, I'm enjoying mugging 1st time in weeks.. Momentum rolling in.. Suddenly got this strange obsession to understand whatever I missed out and lagged during IH period.. Prob only is, do I have sufficient time to catch up in time??

Cant wait for 5th May to come so that can club club club.. Woots.. Never have i felt such impulse to do so.. gonna drink myself high n party..

So looking forward to the coming carefree days where i just lie on the field and look up into the sky whole day long..

Dealing with rejections

2010-04-19T02:34:00.007+08:00

We often fear rejections by others.. We face rejections everyday, studies, work, friends, family, love.. Different ppl have different ways of dealing with it.. Some choose to cry, some choose to whine, some choose to become stronger and move on.. Today sermon was regarding of this topic.. Strangely, God seemed to prepare it for me, as though He was trying to tell me something..

The sermon was regarding on a few verses. Luke 9:51-56.. It's about Jesus's decision to make His journey to Jerusalem as He knew His time is close. It took great courage for Jesus to come to this decision as it was mentioned that He "resolutely set out to Jerusalem".. Could this means that Christ was actually feeling fear when making this decision that He needed to resolve Himself?? Probably, but Christ knew His purpose here..

He sent messengers to prepare the path for Him.. We can ask ourself are we willing to be messengers of God and lay out the path for Him.. Have we prepared enough to receive the Christ?? The Samaritans didnt.. In fact, they chose to reject Christ.. Will we ever be in a situation where the Lord gave us opportunities to be involved in His ministries and works , yet we choose to turn down??

When the disciples realised that the Samaritans turned Jesus away, they were furious, esp James and John.. They were so mad that they wanted to curse and destroy the Samaritans.. However God rebuked them, knowing that He would be rejected them.. He mentioned that "The Son of Man is not here to destroy life, but to save them instead" (Can only be found in the mandarin version of the Bible) The Lord wants us sinners to be saved and not the righteous to fall. The Lord did not probe on the part being rejected and move on quickly to the next village, knowing that many more needed to be save.. I guess one reminder is to be proactive.. Once you miss the opportunity, it will be gone for good..

Be objective and not dwell in self-pity.. I'm a firm believer of the later one.. Indulging is self-pity gets us no where.. The Lord was too rejected by many, and He chose to move on.. We should learn to change out attitude and mindset when facing rejection and failure..

Just like a bottle of clear water and gassy drink.. We need a clear mind like the bottle of water, where our emotion is not affected by the surrounding.. Whereas for the gassy drink, when u shake it, pressure gets build up inside.. Eventually, all these pressure (emotions) will explode when released.. We have the choice of choosing which one do we want to be.. Guess I got alot to learn when it comes to handling my emotions..

Be positive, staying angry could not solve anything.. The Lord says that its okay to be angry.. Everyone do feel anger.. However, we must not sin due to this anger.. 3 golden rules are: 1) Not to hurt urself 2) Not to hurt the others 3) Not to hurt properties.. Im kinda puzzled by the 3rd one though.. Relax, rethink and redirect.. Running help to keep the mind cool.. If one realised that he or she is often prone to anger, it might mean that he or she has fallen into Satan's trap to ensnare us in sin.. Instead, we should channel the energy to focus on God's work..

There isnt sunday school today.. so the class went to AMK mac to celebrate shelen bday in advance since both Pastor J and her are going to Australia for holiday for 2 weeks.. a pretty last min but a rather pleasant gathering.. Charmaine was back in sg for this week too.. so i guess this was a gd session for the class..

Our sunday class grp attendance has been rather inconsistent lately.. Edmund and meijing regularly attend the 2nd service.. Dingxin flying off to aus soon to study.. Samuel just returned from taiwan.. Qiwei and xiaowei busy with the children ministry.. meiqi off to japan.. everyone is all over the place.. guess the older we get, the less we get to see each other together.. However, whenever a brother or sister is in trouble or difficulty, we all never fail to be there for one another.. Thx u guys for the concern.. I know u ppl have been discussing and finding ways to help me recover from my recent emotion stumble..

With dingxin flying off to aus to study, this means that he might not be able to join us to be william's brothers for his wedding.. I wonder who will replace him since meijing and william intention is for us to walk down the church aisle with a sister paired each.. I'm seriously looking forward to their wedding as i see God's grace and guidance in their relationship.. Despite so many problems and william being at Cambodia serving the Lord, the God still provides them plentiful.. It going to be a very cranky n fun wedding! Heard about our attire for that day already.. lol..

Yesterday was amanda's 21st birthday.. had it a NLB.. a small yet pretty venue.. The 6 of us, me, gr, max, boon, khai n fabian prepared a short dance within a day for her.. I'm glad she liked it and we all had fun too in the process.. Its a pity that ahboon is leaving us soon.. I wonder how would the fate of genersis be without him..

God gave us happiness, we too are give the choice of accept it or not.. Take it or not, life is still going to go on as per normal.. Since tat's the case, y not pursue the obvious instead??

God help those who help themselves..

Stress piling up

2010-04-18T20:29:00.004+08:00

I'm so stressed up... I cant't believe that I forgotten how to do simple integration while trying the papers, worst than a jc student now.. Mind in a blank state now.. I seriously fear I cant do well for this semester..

What can be more worse when you are going to fall sick too?

Why am I in this state?

Argh.. I really need all the prayers I can gather now..

If I...

2010-04-18T02:21:00.008+08:00

If I have the wisdom of Solomon,I could solve all the daunting questions You thrown at me..

If I have the confidence of Caleb and Joshua, I could stand firm by Your side in the face of pressure where others would have fallen..

If I have the faith of Abraham, I could serve faithfully and wait for eternal, yet sacrifice without any hesitation for Your sake..

If I have the voice of David, I could sing of His praises to You from dusk to dawn, even at the darkest moment..

If I have the strength of Samson, no chains can ever hold me back from finding You if You ever got lost..

If I have the experiences of Paul, I could travel to all ends of the world to spread of His wonders in Your life..

If I have remorseful heart of Peter, I could become stronger for your sake when I failed to do so moments ago..

If I have the determination of Noah, I could allow You to remain safe when all other havens are lost..

If I have the courage of Daniel, no beast can prevent me from denying You..

If I have the leadership of Moses, I could move a nation over seas and mountains for You..

If I have the persistent heart of Zacchaeus, I could scale the tallest obstacle just to see You..

If I have the foresight of Joseph, I could dream about suns and stars and yet still be in abundant just to share them with You..

If I have the obedience of Ruth, I could still show You God's grace despite searching in an empty field..

If I have the optimism of Job, I could still smile in Your presence when all hopes seemed to have diminish..

If I have the mind of the Christ, I could understand,reach out and heal broken hearts and souls, like Yours..

If I am what they were, I could alleviate all your troubles and sorrows so that you will be able to sleep peacefully every night and again show your smile the next day..

Our worth, values are built upon others.. We seek recognition from ppl around us.. Confidence, courage, strength, determination.. They all come from God and encouragements from others.. If you choose to believe u are worthless, then we, ppl who built, discover and find our worth from You, are equally worthless too..

But, I'm just a sinner with nothing.. I can dream and expect great stuff all day and do nothing.. Nothing is going to change.. However, God entrusted us with choices in life.. The parables of Minas and talents (Matthew 25:14-30 and Luke 19:12-27). God entrusted us will great abilities, talents and character.. Yet, still gave us the choice to choose how to use them.. I choose to believe that God will develop these characters into me through Him to overcome trials and obstacles in life, along with the Fruits of the Spirit.. What about you? Do you?

I live because I believe..

If I...

Fried Brains

2010-04-17T01:44:00.003+08:00

I cant believe it.. Im singing to myself to keep myself occupied and focused on my mugging..

~You got the whole world, in your hands... lalala..~

Hand In Hand In Christ

2010-04-16T08:25:00.012+08:00

Praise the Lord!! Apparently something amazing happened yesterday.. I thank you Lord for removing a huge burden off my shoulder at this point of "darkness"..

It all began from yesterday morning.. In the midst of mugging, i suddenly received a sms from her.. It was so random as she seldom take the initiative to contact me 1st.. But what actually surprised me was the content.. She wanted to meet up with me to talk about her feelings regarding on this issue.. At first I was apprehensive.. Why God suddenly send her back to talk abt this issue when I already choose to entrust to Him? Is there no end to this whole thing? During that moment, half of me wanted to find out what she has to say, the other half just wanted to run away, fearing that I will fall back into the hole that I recently covered up myself..

It took me some time and prayer to think and muster the courage to agree to meet up with her.. Despite handing the issue over to God, my feelings for her still persist and stay, just that it's "under control". Knowing the agenda of the meeting does not really help or make it better since it would end up with "lets stay as friends" ending. I asked paul for advice and he said that i should just go and listen.. Even though she could not reciprocate my feelings for her, shouldnt I at least try to understand how she felt? After all, its not easy for her to send such a message in the first place. Must have taken alot of courage and thoughts to do so.. Knowing that the fate is sealed and outcome eventually, I went ahead with the meeting with this small little hope that something else might have.. Always a room for miracle..

When I finally got to meet her, the whole atmosphere was very weird.. It got this "I'm here to hang myself again" feeling.. And probably cause we didnt meet up since her baptism, this whole "absence makes the heart grows fonder" shit came in again.. But oh well, that isn't the point.. We settled in this coffeeshop.. It was pretty weird at 1st, cause I thought that it might be too noisy to talk.. Conversation was very slow initially.. She was having difficultly starting and putting her thoughts into words.. Got the constipation feeling there. And when she asked me if i had any questions, I dunno what to ask her.. Yes, I have alot in mind to ask her about this whole thing. But hearing her side of reasoning, I felt kinda shameful that I came with a mindset hoping for something else.. All my intended qns for her were redundant and immature. It was at that moment tat I realised I still haven totally let go to Lord.. I was caught speechless for a moment.. A quick prayer to God for wisdom at that instant, to reorganise my thoughts and get things right.. Thank the Lord cause He did, if not the whole night would be dreadful..

The more she shares, the more fluent she becomes.. God was guiding her to express her thoughts clearly.. Our conversation became more natural and smooth.. Starting to feel more like a 2 way proper conversation.. Her reason for staying single is because she wants to get her walk with God right.. It might be a very simple answer or reason to others, maybe illogical to non-Christians since they might think its okay as long the person likes u.. I have to admit, even i myself find it hard to explain her stand even though i understood what she is trying to get to.. Its so hard to put it into words.. haha, should have seen her reaction when i finally understood wad she is trying to tell me! Its not easy.. But behind this simple answer, it carries alot of careful thoughts and meanings.. Based on what I understood, a relationship isn't complete if God is not present.. Everything originates from Him.. Kinship and friendship etc.. If you cant get ur relationship right with God now, what makes you thing that everything else will be okay..

I'm not sure if this is right or accurate, but a poor relationship with God is like the epicenter of an earthquake.. It causes the ground to shake, having a ripple effect on those around it.. And this effects are usually unhealthy.. The harder it shakes, the more drastic is the after effect. During the phase of clearing up after that would seem to be like the trials of God, where we learn to pick up ourself and to prepare and equip ourself from future trembles.. That's where strengthen our foundation with God to be strong and firm, and when we do, all others, our relationships with ppl, career, studies, health etc, stay firm along with the foundation.. Without building this strong rapport with God, no matter how much u try to build, how high u try to reach, in the crisis where another earthquake or ur faith with God is shaken, everything would just crumble under the pressure

Likewise for her, she chooses to get her walk with God right.. I have to admit that a part of me was disappointed that we could not get together.. But if she is really the one that i have been praying for, to be a God-centered woman, then yes Lord, her action is what that pleases you and would bring a step further into preparing her to be the woman i have asking and praying for.. I should not rush and take things into my own hand since I had already entrusted to the Lord! In addition, both of us got much more pressing issues on hands to handle than to be in a relationship.. Her side: her walk with God, YAM, possible ministry in Church, her sis, her work report.. There are times where we wondered y we are grow spiritually and reached to a saturation point.. In a relationship, one cant always be the receiving or the giving side. Likewise, we have to give too in order to grow spiritually.. The Words of God will be unless if they are not carried out.. Serving the Lord is one of such way we can learn to give and appreciate why Christ has devoted His whole life to serving and giving.. Her ministry in young adults has just began.. Same goes for her new life and walk with God.. The problem with her sis is more pressing.. Its not easy to teach someone how to love when she cant love herself in the 1st place.. It requires alot love, patience and reliance on God to do so.. Without the Lord, I believe most might give up easily.. Christ didnt.. He didt not give up on us and simply hands us over to Satan..

As for my side: My return to service under God, my studies, my dad's health.. I too need to get my walk with God right.. I realised I can be pretty inconsistent in my walk with God.. I guess her decision was a reminder for me too to focus on God and not on all worldly issues.. Y focus on pursuing the world when He could have offered much more in return? Oh oh, my studies.. Shucks.. I'm getting abit pessimistic abt this coming exam.. I'm totally not ready and cramming as much as possible now, be it effective or not.. I study hard but not exam smart.. Always panic n screw up in papers.. but with yesterday meeting, i guess i got one less thing on mind to think abt.. And i guess the most pressing for me now is my dad's health condition.. Though i may not be at home most of the times, i do aware that his condition is getting worse.. The depression, i assumed, in his hand is getting more n more obvious.. Im not sure is it because his muscles are weakening, but it can get difficult watching him struggle with simple daily chores like carrying loads and eating.. Plus with all the other illnesses that he has, i sometime do seriously wonder when will he be able to hold on to.. I hoped that he will retire soon n have his well deserved rest, travel the world and not work so hard for the family.. For now, the least i could do is to spend more time and pray for his health.. His MRI scan coming up soon.. maybe i should accompany him for checkup.. Same goes for my knee.. Mindef has actually contacted me to take my IPPT before my birthday.. problem is i dun even know if i could take it or not.. X-ray doesnt shows anything.. yet it is still not healing.. It can get pretty frustrating that a simple thing like running after a bus can be difficult n painful.. My parents actually asked me to consider down pes.. However to let go all that i have worked hard for during my army days, those blood and sweats bled, the friends that fought along ur side, the red beret and sliver wing that i donned on, the pride instilled into us, must be cast aside, all because of a single busted knee.. Being in a commando is one of my greatest achievement in my life and i think it will be hard to let it go like tat.. Same goes for IH, im going to be just an unless sportsman who hops around after running a short while.. Oh well, I'm gonna entrust all of them to the Lord, maybe He already has a plan for me in place..

With so much happening on both of us now, probably a relationship now will just distract us from the more important issues that need to be handled.. Yes yes, others might say that u need not compromise ur relationship with God in order to be together. And being together, u have a partner to support one another in times of spiritual difficulty.. I agree to a certain extent cause i see both william and meijing as a fine example for this.. However, though singlehood is not exactly a gift from God, it is one of the best moment to channel your energy into serving the Lord and His causes.. For me, if i were to find a partner, i meant a life long partner..Getting into a relationship should be a long n God centered one, one that involves life time commitments and responsibilities. Marriage, a sacred bond btw man and woman, and not simply a fling or fooling around. With such an aim, the amount of time we truly know each other is way too short n hasty.. I believe she thinks like wise too. Along with her decision to be single n remain as friends so as to serve God, I think that this a very Godly decision made which I should truly respect.. After all, I too have my responsibilities to fulfill and complete now..

(A life time commitment.. mj and william,sis and lloyd, both of u are really my role model for a perfect dating couple.. same for paster j n shelen as husband and wife)

God has given me so much in my lifetime till now.. So many that there's just too many to count.. With all the friends and family support we received, why did I say that im always alone?? So why should I get overly troubled like i did for the past month for this issue when God has repeatedly shown countless grace much more i could receive in the past?

The night ended pretty pleasant, with much laughter and sharing in btw.. She said grace while having a popiah in her mouth, this old man who ate exactly the same food as we did, craving for bubble tea, siting in subway while drinking bubble tea when we didnt even order anything, window shopping in NTUC.. Gosh, plain crazy, fun n retarded.. I wun know when will we ever talk abt this issue again, or maybe never in future.. It might take some time before the feeling sink in.. But whatever the case, since we are so clear what we need to do, we should focus on them 1st and entrust this to the Lord.. If we are really meant to be, we will.. If not, God will then offer us a better partner that we can never imagine.. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.(Matthew 6:33) No matter what, we are brother and sister in Christ before anything (: And of cause, the wonderful classmate that we always been.. Do continue to share abt ur problems if u have, for i will always be there for you..

Its so funny that my pastor considered sharing my story with mediacorp on a program regarding youth relationship.. Bet it makes a good drama, with lots of plots and twists in btw.. Though it might not have the type of ending that everyone typically likes, I believe all we need is the Lord to be pleased will do.. I cant exactly explain the peace in my mind now.. despite her saying no, there no burden or heavy emotions to pull me down.. Maybe God is at work? Oh well, i didnt manage to maintain my clean sheet though ): haha, my first rejection after like 21 yrs? Suck it up zhaoqi!

Same thing though, my feelings for you are still the same.. It wun suddenly changed because of your decision.. I told u and i hope u understood.. While entrusting to God, initiative still needs to be taken to pursue what u want.. Its only a matter of if what u want tallies with what God wants to give u.. I might still do things to win ur heart over.. But the choice to reciprocate is yours to decide.. We wun know God's plan, but we know He only offers us the best.. Of course, when eventually everything ends n settle down, i do hope u will reconsider me again.. Time will tell.. Will i still stay on waiting or move on, no one knows.. All i can say this that, this whole sage is a one big trial for me and through it, God strengthen me.. And with this, I can finally close this whole dramatic chapter of my life and the "darkness" that i thought i been through..

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want..

Loneliness is being unaware of the One who is with us everywhere..

God love and bless both u and me..

Smile, cause your smiles bring joy and laughter to those around you.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen..

Unproductive

2010-04-15T07:53:00.005+08:00

Yesterday was an rather unproductive and slow day.. I can't believe Im slowing down when there is still so much to catch up at this point of time.. Mind keeps drifting off and losing focus..

Exactly one week more to D-day.. 22nd Math 2, 26th Phy 2, 27th Media in the Modern World, 28th Computing & Marketing, 4th May Chemistry.. I only got myself to blame for cramming everything together.. Regretted not taking Japanese.. Oh well, no point thinking about it now.. On a positive side, exam will end in abt 3 weeks plus time..

I decided to chiong hall for the next 3 weeks.. Other than fellowships and Sunday services, its gonna be mindless mugging in hall, in my prison cell..

There is so much recent twist of events again.. There is nothing much can be done than to sign and move on.. Strangely, I'm not getting affected by these as much as I were for last week.. Maybe it's the blessing of God for entrusting everything to Him.. But still, there are occasions where the mind just wanders off and ponders abt this whole thing again..

Had a chat with her two nights ago.. Sharing what's on her mind.. Guess she worries and care alot for the ppl around her.. Honestly speaking, I'm glad to be able to hear her voice.. But what I could do is to listen to her and keep telling her to entrust everything to God.. There at instants I'm wanted to share more, but no more personal opinions/ emotions to sway her feelings and thoughts.. Sometimes, we just need a listener only to share our thoughts and mind.. I'm glad I handled this well.. Root of wisdom and peace comes from God and His Words..

Right now, my focus : Mug

Oh man, dreamed abt her.. Oh well..

Resolve

2010-04-13T08:39:00.003+08:00

Started the day with a dreadful mood.. Mind can't focus.. It's hard to resist thinking abt her when u are alone.. Is my resolve towards Lord and her that weak?? I seriously need a good prayer..

There is so much think I want to know and ask her cause there are so much many questions left unanswered.. But how am I suppose to ask while taking her feelings into regards?

Strengthen me O Lord and bless her day.. Let me be at ease..

Steel never taste better..

Learning Point

2010-04-11T19:59:00.012+08:00

Lessons from yesterday bible study and today sunday school mentioned abt staying optimistic.. Life is full of obstacles which prevent us from serving Lord and His Will..

Dream, Announce, Promise and Action.. These are the steps to overcome obstacles faced in life.. However, most of us usually stop at the most crucial step: Action.. Without action, nothing is done.. Even if u have the best dreams, made the most convincing promise ever, but without action, all is futile.. If there is a will, there is a way.. The Lord will provide for He is the provider..

One example is the bind man Bartimaeus from Jericho.. (Mark 10: 46-52)He faced alot of odds: being blind, public pressure etc.. Despite all these, he remained optimistic and held on the faith that the Lord will heal him.. Eventually, the he was healed by the Lord due to his faith.. We should be like him.. Have a persistent heart and courage to reach out to the Lord.. Will we be able to do the same, like Bartimaeus to shout out even more to the Lord when the others asked him to remain quiet.. Will we succumb to pressure around us?

God's grace is sufficient for us all.. The Lord is always there for us.. Its only a matter of reaching out to Him.. Sometimes, a simple "save me", like what Peter called when he was sinking into the sea, will do.. We are so blinded by whats around us to even notice that Jesus is always just by our side for us.. Bible mentioned many examples that servants of Lord are prone to falling and weaknesses. David, a man after God, has alot of fear and pride in him during his reign as king of Isreal despite the fact that God had blessed n reassured him many times again n again.. Peter, full of confidence that he would not leave Jesus under all circumstances, denied Jesus thrice before the rooster crowed.. Yet, the Lord still forgives them and blesses them many many times over.. The difference btw David, Peter vs Judas is the heart to repent..

Had a worship leader meeting today too.. The takeaway from this session is one of Pastor J fav quote: With great power comes great responsibilities.. A similar verse could be found in the Bible (Luke 12:48) Lord gave us the abilities and talents to serve.. If we do not treasure them well n let them go to waste, He will take them away from us (Parable of the talents) God is concern about the hearts of those who serves Him and not with how much we can serve.. Being pleasing to God. One impt thing emphasized is not to serve when ur heart is not ready.. The Lord does not lack ppl serving Him.. Rebuild the relationship with God before serving Him again..

Had another session with Pastor J and Shelen today.. Consulted them abt my concerns abt her.. It has been a tough time during the past 2 weeks where we decided to cut down communication and contact.. I dunno whats her plan, feeling during this period.. It must be very hard on her too with so much on her mind.. Pastor J then shared with me abt the Ireland's boys.. Hat is a very important form of dressing in their culture.. And u usually dun see them without it.. So whenever they need to climb over a wall or barrier, they would throw their hats over and find all means to get over it.. Likewise, we should throw over hearts, worries over the wall and to the Lord.. only through this way, den we will be able to scale the obstacle and reach to the Lord.. They initially suggested that both of us to take this relationship survey to help us determined are we ready for a relationship which is pleasing to God.. but i turned down because i know our case is a one sided pursuit.. at times, i dunno what is she thinking.. but, i do know that she is chained down by her past, which is hard to let go.. I do love her deeply.. but this obsession has become an obstacle btw me and God.. so, im not gonna think abt it anymore.. Im going to just throw everything over to Lord so that i could be with Him.. Only when u entrust with Him, den u will be blessed many times over.. Maybe she is the one, maybe she is not.. But no matter what, i have absolute faith in the Lord in finding the girl of my heart desires who is pleasing to the Lord..

Something when i see couples around me, i do get envy of them.. Love is the gift that God gave us to share and received.. My sis and her bf, gare rern n shiling, william and meijing, jason n shelen, mum and dad..However, this gift is only perfect provided both are the willing parties of receiving and giving.. of cause, there are problems too when in a relationships.. but true love overcomes them all.. they are just trials from God to strengthen and pull them close to one another and God.. Singleness is too a trial from God.. I read it from Holding Hand, Holding Heart.. Most of us misunderstood that being single is a gift.. But no, God created us to be together, man n woman..

I know you are in great pain and you choose not to share because u have ur reason.. I thought that we would be a perfect couple together because we see things on the same tone, God-fearing and be able to confide and assure each other. I envisioned that we could be a wonderful pair because everyone who knows about this think so too.. Because i love u, care for u, im not going to be a burden to u any longer.. U have ur rights and i respect them.. we will stay as the awesome friends that we used to be before all this started.. I will still sms u messages of concern.. I will still be always a phone call away if u ever need someone to share ur worries or concern.. I will protect you from all the harms that come in your way.. I'm disappointed that things are going this way but not sad of my decision because i know that it will lower ur burdens and worries.. I hope my decision will make u a happier person.. I dread the idea of u tearing because of u being unable to be in a position to control anything due to the pasts and presents u cant let go.. I wish only the best for you.. This 2 weeks have made me realised my love for u is deeper that what i thought.. However, if the the time is not right, it will still be the same.. Of cause, i will still be waiting for ur answer and pray as usual, I wun give up.. But i'm not goona do anything to put u in a tough spot anymore.. I will set aside my deep feelings for u to the Lord so that it will at least help u be a happier person by a little. Ppl say that I'm dumb to let it go after trying so hard, but the think is I'm not even giving up, just that I'm totally entrusting to the Lord.. I'm much stronger that u think I am.. 21 years of hardship plus God made me strong.. Eventually, I might/might not move on.. But pls, if u ever realise ur feeling someday, pls let me know.. Maybe a simple sms or any form of hint will do.. i know u are not the kind who know how to express urself well and will find this hard.. But who knows I might still be waiting for u and harboring the fragile hope that day??

Because I love u too much, that's why I choose to let you go and set you free.. I dun give a damn about what the other say.. I could only entrust you to the Lord, who loves you even more than I do..

No one but God only knows.. It's all in His plan

Sore Ga, Ai Deshou (I Guess That's Love)

2010-04-09T22:32:00.006+08:00

Sore Ga, Ai Deshou (I Guess That's Love)

Link to song

Even if there are days when the tears roll down my cheeks
I want to have your back all for myself, but

because kindness is also cruel sometimes
I lose sight of the answer the more I search for it

If you can see the rainbow in the town after the rain
let's start walking now, something is about to begin

Because I have you, because I have tomorrow
because I can't live on all alone
I feel you so close by me, I guess that's love
Because you know how much pain tears can bring
I want to find a smile in your transparent eyes
as I search for a definite meaning in them

Although it'd be good if these feelings found their way into your heart
without me needing to speak a word,

The colour of the town changes little by little but
see, our memories have again increased by one

Because now I can embrace every word that you said
I'm sure that we'll come closer to each other
I guess that's love
Even if a tomorrow that nobody knows is waiting for us
it's all right, don't cry anymore
we'll join hands
and keep walking on forever

It isn't something that builds up in an instant
but a feeling that grows a little at a time,
the feeling called love

Because I have you, because I have tomorrow
because I can't live on all alone
I feel you so close by me, I guess that's love
Because you know how much pain tears can bring
I want to find a smile in your transparent eyes
as I search for a definite meaning in them

That's Love, Isn't It??

Counting..

2010-04-09T20:32:00.003+08:00

13 more days to the start of exam... a semester in university is way too short.. rushing n loading so much within such a short time.. Is that even the right way to learning?? It has become routine n meaningless..

OMG.. The whole family knew abt her.. Zzzz.. Was damn surprised when dad came into room just now to talk to me abt this.. Being a lasting couple is not abt looks.. This is only short temporary.. Haha, look at both of my parents now (oops).. even though my dad is very strict, he does do things that really impresses and surprises mum.. like suddenly buying a jewelry set for her, saying that she should have received them years ago when he asked for her hand.. other simple things like singing to her or mushy words like "I love You" to mum spices up their marriage life and keep it going (: even though they do quarrel very often, sometimes i do think that they will become my own future family model (:

dad mentioned its gd to go after a girl.. but to be overly obsessive, it will become unhealthy.. guess it was the like tat just after the confession.. i just pour put my feelings n heart to her.. looking back, it was so stupid.. im leaving her with no breathing space of her own..

However, dad also advised abt reconsidering going after a girl who doesn't even reciprocate to ur feelings for her.. since love is a two way thing, it could not be one-sided.. if not, it would eventually become a burden to both.. i wonder if he is referring to me for this in case or just making a general comment since mum told him everyday that i shared with her when i asked mum for advices for this whole saga last week.

Like mum always says, as a christian, u need a partner who is God-centered, even if it means putting God before you.. Mum is glad for her too for her recent baptism and reassures her relationship with God.. In fact, it was very sweet of mum to lead a prayer for her walk with God and faith, and well as God's guidance in any progression between us, be it we will end up together or not..

I'm so blessed to have so many friends around me to give me encouragement regarding on this whole saga.. esp when im getting confused and frustrated over this, where brothers and sisters like edmund, limhan, hanzhong, weili, paul, meijind are there for me.. Friends like khairi, wenting, raj, darius to listen to my whines and assure me that i'm a guy that has my worth.. buddies like cj, xin and mel to give me well-wishes and encouragements.. pastor j and shelen to offer their vast experiences and knowledge when it come to bgr and concern when they realised i have not been myself for past month.. sis and her bf, which actually surprises me, to share what steps i could have done to improve our relationship.. Pei, i really think u are very blessed to have such a wonderful bf.. treasure him well.. and now, dad n mum support regarding on my chase to hold the key to her heart.. it felt good (: Thank God for the angels you sent to be by my side when im at the lowest.. i know im not alone in this marathon to reach her..

thx sis, when u shared the process of u going after mr J, it was very encouraging.. and eventually, God granted what u wished for: a relationship that is mutual (: just that, thing is as simple and straightforward for ur brother..

haha, anyway, everyone agrees that you are a good catch and blessing from God, esp mum, dad n sis.. thx..

Even i dunno when will i see the light that comes at the end of the tunnel for this possible endless pursuit, i will still hold on to the hope that someday u will accept me.. the only problem is how long, when it gets so tiring when u think abt someone day and night, to wake up the next day to realise things are still going to be the same..

This is my story..

Will I ever hold the key to her heart or just remain shut out? It is really easier to be loved than to love..

All I know is that I will not get the answer any sooner and I will continue to hold on to that fragile hope as long I can..

Isn't it Beautiful

2010-04-08T10:20:00.004+08:00

Suteki da ne (Isn't it Beautiful)

Link to music

My heart was swimming
in words gathered by the wind
My voice bounded
into a cloud-carried tomorrow

My heart trembled
in the moon-swayed mirror
Soft tears
spilled with a stream of stars

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your arms

I dream of being
against your chest
my body in your keeping
disappearing into the evening

Words halted by wind are
a gentle illusion
A tomorrow torn by clouds is
the voice of a distant place

My heart that had been
in a moon-blurred mirror that flowed
Those stars that trembled and spilled
cannot hide my tears

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your arms

My dream of
your face
that I softly touch
melts in the morning

Music really helps to drown all the emotions that chain onto you.. Thinking of you right at this moment

Thinking of her right now..

2010-04-08T08:20:00.003+08:00

Eating steel right now... Argh, Help me last though this period...

It never taste worse.. I understood how you felt now

One step at a time

2010-04-07T13:15:00.005+08:00

2 quizzes down.. one more next week.. Final exam coming nearer with each passing day.. yet, ther is still so much to be done..

dad is going for a scan for his right hand soon.. it is getting weaker and losing strength each passing day.. he is having difficulty holding the chopsticks or even carrying light weights.. if he is to go with the operation, there might be a chance that he might lose control over his hand if it fails.. God will bless him, us and the family.. Sry that i couldnt do much and didnt fulfill much in my role as a son.. i gave u some much troubles and disappointments.. and yet, u didnt stop trusting me.. it just makes me feel worse.. I dun mind moving out of the current house and settle in a smaller flat, i dun mind not driving without a car, i dun mind not staying in hall, i can forgo all my bad spending habits, all to ease your burdens and not overwork yourself to provide the family financially.. We are doing very well now as compared to the past when we had nothing.. U gave up so much for the family.. and its time for you to rest and let me do the worrying on ur behalf though i might not be as good as you.. u are awesome dad.. just that i dun have the courage to say i love u or thank u.. pride just gets in the way..

life is still as mundane as ever, with some exceptions to spice things up a little. had a gathering/ dinner yesterday.. was supposed to meet her yesterday at 6pm.. but due to past late night mugging and preparations for her gifts since last week, i was very tired.. took a short nap and i thought i could wake up in time to be there early before she reaches jp.. damn, woke up at 5:40pm!!! rushed down like hell, lucky she needs to attend to something 1st..

had a gd chat n catchup with her.. apparently we have not been speaking much since last week cause both of us were very busy with our own stuffs.. it feels good to know that she is feeling much better since the Sunday 2 weeks ago. she is still troubled by some issues, but i believe with strength from God, her faith and determination, she will get through all of them.. maybe they are trials from God to strengthen her?

the whole gathering was gd (: never laugh my heart out for a long time.. it was so nostalgic, reminding us of the good old times where we were not tied down by hectic uni life.

ever since that sunday, we have not mentioned anything again about the possibility our progression.. maybe its good that she might not be so troubled abt this anymore.. maybe she might have move on.. but sometime i do pray and hope that there might be some signs or hints from her words or actions that might tell me what i should do, to carry on wad im doing or to let go n move on.. it can get tiring at times but its not her fault at all.. she didnt want it to happen at all.. haha, n i think its just me holding onto this tiny hope that things might improve or change..

dunno why, but its seemed that i feel the same again as though it was the time just before i confessed to her.. where there is this bittersweet feeling in me.. eager to meet her everyday, but just feel shy to look at her in the eyes when we do really meet. Sometimes, i feel that u dun really dare look at me in the eyes too.. is it because u feel the same too or just want to distance urself from me to prevent from falling further?? at times, i do feel that im unworthy to be with u.. is this a sense of defeat in me??

absence makes the heart grows fonder.. without seeing her or contacting her much, i do think at times how is she doing, she is cooping well with her work, is her walk with God going well etc.. and when we do meet, she becomes more attractive and lovable each time.. just like an angel..

im still waiting for the day to come.. for the answer, be it desirable or not.. but all i want is for her to stay happy, blessed and be loved.. God is so amazing.. He blesses plentifully when u dun deserves anything and holds back when u are so full of urself, thinking its the best of what is provided.. Guess i got to learn to rely more on God.. Lesson of faith, just like Abraham did while waiting for a child..

Stay strong, God and I will be there when times get tough and when you are alone.. Question is, will you be there for me when I need you the most?

Angle in distress..

2010-04-06T00:59:00.005+08:00

Angel in distress... what can i do? just listen?

sometime, i hope i could have done more.. You are obviously not okay at all

Shine for the world with your light

2010-04-05T16:37:00.002+08:00

When you were holding the candle in ur hands, this song came into my mind instantly. I wished i could have gone up to the stage and dedicate this song to you myself.

This song now sings in my heart, and one day, if u ever need me to sing it outn, i will do it for u..

Shine Jesus Shine

Lord the Light or Your Love is shining,
In the midst of the darkness shining,
Jesus light of the world shine upon us,
Set us free by the truth You now bring us,
Shine on me. Shine on me.

Shine Jesus shine
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, Spirit blaze,
Set our hearts on fire
Flow, river flow
Flood the nations with grace and mercy
Send forth Your word
Lord and let there be light.

Lord I come to Your awesome presence,
From the shadows into Your radiance,
By the blood I may enter Your brightness,
Search me, try me, consume all my darkness,
Shine on me. Shine on me.

As we gaze on Your kindly brightness.
So our faces display Your likeness.
Ever changing from glory to glory,
Mirrored here may our lives tell Your story.
Shine on me. Shine on me.

Shine the world with your smile

Where You At

2010-04-05T09:06:00.008+08:00

WHERE YOU AT by Tae Yang

Link to video

I don’t even know your name, girl
But I’m going to get you somehow
Just gotta let me know where u at
Cuz your man's coming

When our eyes first met
You smiled a familiar smile
As if you know me
Making me stop in my tracks
It was only a fleeting moment
But I remember how I felt at that moment
I am afraid that I won’t see you again

I look back to catch a glimpse of you
You are getting farther and farther away
Day and night, high and low
I am here as always searching for you.

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
Tell me now
And let my love for you begin
Where u at, girl

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
When you call my name someday
I will be there right in front of you

The look on your face seemed to say
You understood how lonely I was
That look makes you so unforgettable
You understand me

Oh then I wake up and
Then I’m out my zone
Blink twice then you’re gone

Is your life as hard for you as mine is for me
When you feel worn out by this cold, cold world
Please hang in there until you find me

I run and run and run searching for you
You become only farther and farther away
Day and night, high and low
Beyond the blue sky
I shout for you as always

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, were u at
Tell me now
And let my love for you begin
Where u at, girl

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
When you call my name someday
I will be there right in front of you

Now let’s go

Let me break this down
You may be listening to this song somewhere
Let me promise you now
You are meant for me so
I’ll be there for you

I just wanna know if you feel the same way
Where u at, where u at, were u at
Tell me now
And let my love for you begin
Where u at, girl

I just wanna know if you feel the same
Where u at, where u at, where u at
When you call my name someday
I will be there right in front of you

I dunno where am I heading.. I'm lost.. But if you need me, I will be there.. Where you at

Lord, teach me how..

2010-04-02T01:22:00.002+08:00

Lord, I need all the guidance from You to teach and care for a person who doesn't know who what is self-love.. I too need alot wisdom to teach the same person who to love others too.. Sometimes it gets so tough and frustrating when this person dun get the message despite so much proper guidance.. I really need to muster everything, patience, love, wisdom, to make this right. So Lord, pls guide me..

My Tribute

2010-04-01T01:51:00.006+08:00

*Tribute to Warriors Of Hall 6, Ruggers*

Despite IH has been over for nearly one month, its a pleasing and heartwarming sight to still see that we, ruggers of hall6, coming for a casual game of touch. The turnout was encouraging to me as a manager of the rugby team.

While siting at the side of the field watching you guys played, it kinda hit me that we have come a long way together as a team. We were playing on the rugby pitch today, but our humble beginning actually started all the way from the other field, on the side nearest to the basketball courts.

Hall Matrix just ended, and I placed my name in the list to become a sport subcommer. I was still in road relay that time and zhihong approached me to be the manager for road relay. But deep down in my mind, i know that im was never a fast runners. Friends like jingyang, ahboon, zhihong, weizhe, were so much faster than me. Of course, the initial trainings with the road relay team made me too realised that i would never be the forerunner in the team.

One sport that excites me in the past is rugby. However, the chance to pick up rugby deludes me. The furthest I went was playing touch in Jc PE.. I thoroughly enjoyed myself during those sessions. That where I a resolution take join ruby when i enter hall in ntu despite knowing the risks of the game.

During the interview for the sport subcomm, I gave garerern and nat the preferred sport that I wanted to manage immediately when they asked me. Rugby.

When I came to the decision to take up rugby, I still haven got a chance to meet up with paul yet. All I knew was that he was the previous rugby captain and I had an rough idea that gerald and paul are going to be captain and vice captain for rugby 09/10 respectively. Paul just got back from his IA and during our 1st encounter, he told me a little about rugby and passed me a list of rugby player names: both seniors and freshies that signed up.

I was very excited, full of passion and drive when i looked at the number of names in the list. It was nearly the size sufficient enough to form 2 teams. Promising and capable names that I heard too placed their names down. I was ready to set me vision for team rugby 09/10: finals in IH.

However, things turned to be very different. People turned me down one by one after I approached them. Its understandable as everyone has their own reasons. Eventually, the number that Im able to confirm that were interested to stay in the team was probably 6? Our hall lucky number..

I can also recalled the times where i was running all over hall 6, terrorizing every single male residents that I know to know rugby. This "Join Rugby" campaign in hall was headed by me myself (: haha, it was so fun to see the faces of ahboon, zhihong, shawn, wenkai, ricky, yiling when i pestered them to join. Of course, I believed i frighten off many more than i could imagine! I also remembered the cranky join rugby post that i made in the ex hall forum!!!

soon, it was our very 1st training. I couldnt remember clearly, but if im not wrong, turnout was disappointing.. a small number of 4,5 or 6? but based on what Paul shared, rugby training strength had been like tat all along for past years, so its kinda expected.. This actually made me think seriously abt the plans and goals i envisioned for team rugby.

I approached more ppl, mostly freshies now. Sometimes, it really helps to be a guy who participated in FOC. It really helps to get the ball rolling. Turnouts for subsequent training become better: Me Paul Weeyong Garerern Pinglon Alvin Edwin Kenneth. I can never forget how we trained at the side of the field by the basketball courts. Lights were always off or the Ivps were using the main rugby pitch for training. We were confined in that small zone for training!!!

We began on the basics, passing, loop, switch, NO LOBBING FORWARD PASS.. We were all new to rugby, so i believe paul had a hard time guiding us. strength was also very unstable. it can vary from 4 to 8 at different training sessions. everyone is crucial to the attendance of the training. training time was short, because there is simply too few ppl to train. most of the time, we ended with paul teaching us the technical aspects of rugby.. Likewise, my spirit swayed btw high n low when the turnout varies too..

More joined. Pohshen jingyang arjun sky clarence ruirong jerome.. the number grew healthier.. sadly arjun and sky had to leave quickly due to injury and commitment respectively . touch becomes part of our usual trainings too due to better attendance. With gerald joining us regularly too to coach us, trainings seemed to be heading in a better direction. I can never forget those times where gerald keeps screwing jerome for all the mistakes he can commit: passing and handling errors, running the wrong route, join the wrong side of the group, and smiling all the time.. It was so enjoyable and fun. And I never fail to look forward to next training with excitement.

Next joined Jinhan raj gabriel darras jabir.. Personally, trainings are the most exciting when all 3, Gerald, Paul and Jabir were present together. The team will then just split up into 3 groups to be coached by the 3. Learning curve was steep, but so is everyone curiosity to know more and grasp the game.. Plays start to come in, forwards and backs, lineups, team plays.. the team is taking shape..

Rain or shine, lighting or not, team rugby never fails to train.. i thank you all for coming down, despite the fact we will turn out like some brown monsters at the end of the training. we whined and bitched occasionally, but we still enjoyed ourselves.. Holiday began.. attendance still remained healthy and strong.. ruggers still travel and return to hall, even though some might not be in hall due to personal issues.. I had never felt so strong that we gonna win something for IH..

Came bernard and occasionally funhang and zhenyan.. even our mr president, xiaofeng, turned up for training once.. i too appreciate seniors, weiming and zach, for coming down for trainings to give us pointers and advices to improve..

there were times where tempers flared, all because everyone wanted to do well for IH.. and it became more frequent as IH approaches.. still the team stayed as one, looking forward to the day where the team will enter the rugby pitch under the banner of hall 6..

one memorable training was on the eve of the eve of CNY.. Paul told me that training turnout might be bad due to celebration. But i replied that the team will still come down, cause we are now all playing with our hearts and passion. And i was not disappointed.. We had a wonderful training session. N if i never remember wrongly, Paul was in a very good mood and talked to the team:

"I'm very glad that today training was so good. the turnout was good. and i tell u guys, rugby is the best thing that ever happened to me in hall."

something along the line.. I dunno how the rest felt abt this.. but what paul said hit me.. Rugby is indeed the sport that i truly enjoyed.. trainings never fail to excite me.. Yes paul, rugby is really one of the best thing that ever happened to me in hall..

IH came along with Marcus and weizhe joining the team.. 20th and 21st.. There was a huge uproar as quite a number of rugby players happened to be in hexis too.. there was this huge concern that we might not have sufficient players to play on the day itself.. nevertheless, the full team came down.. it was impressive.. 22 in total.. where was that miserable 4 to 6 that we saw at the initial stage of rugby? 22, this is hall 6 team rugby we are talking about..

of cause, we lost the 1st game to hall 4, den eventually come back against 16 and 1.. it was like a rollercoaster, where it felt we might just lose it anytime.. and me being out due to injury in the game against hall 16 made it worse for me. Im officially out of IH rugby.. but still, the team was there for one another. encouraging one another along the way. Even though i didnt manage to participate much for the rest, i could feel the energy of the team soaring high and it was contagious..on 20th, we are in quarter, on 21st, we are out of IH rugby..

though i was kinda shocked that we made it to quarter instead of semi as compared to the past,i got to watch the team grow from a grp of random players who know nuts abt rugby to warriors who are out to kill in the pitch.. I thank all players to contribute and sacrifice for the team.. jinhan: who gave up his opportunity to represent ntu dragonboat due to shoulder injury, Pohshen, our big friendly giant: rib hairline fracture and poor specs for being stepped by his own owner , darras: for his arm if i never remember wrongly, raj: for his eye and knee that never fail to give way, pinlon: for diving onto the ball on his belly,jerome: for both his shoulder and ankle, clarance: to join us despite after going through his foot surgery recently (and ur finger, for the awesome punch to the deserving banana), kenneth and ruirong: for frequent groin injuries, jingyang: for ur pinky that looks weird now, edwin: keena stepped on his head and many self-inflicted injuries today by slipping, fuhang: for taking the risk to play for the team even though IH soccer final was few days away, garerern: to miss IH badminton due to thigh injury during training, jabir: for constantly losing his eyebrown and cuts, weeyong: for tearing his shorts for countless time, alvin: for having his toes stepped by me numerous times, paul: for all the popping and locking u did, never fail to impress the team, same for ur ankle, gabriel: white shorts that u need to clean after training and many tries u contributed to the team, and your accessory too, bernard marcus and weizhe for coming down..

Team rugby 09/10 will never be the same without you guys.. every one of u shaped the team as it is now.. i know that there might be a high chance that not everyone can come back next yr, but i truly hope that u feel much for the team.. so if anyone of us cant make it back, i do hope that at least you will squat back to join the team.. the team needs every single one of u.. no one is dispensable..

as the sun sets while i sat by the side watching u guys playing touch, i got this sad feeling that the yr is coming to an end, along with my term as ur manager. but still, i know we will still meet up to have occasional trainings and games.. its my regret that we were not able to win a medal for our graduating seniors, but i believe the experience, the brotherhood we built and shared were far more valuable than a medal.. we may not win the best sport team, but in my heart, we are already winners..

so when ever if u happened to be in the vicinity of the basketball court, do take a look at the small patch of field by the side, and give a tribute to where the humble beginning of team rugby 09/10 begins...

zhaoqi
hall 6 ruggers
manager 09/10
rugby enthusiast

Haiz

2010-03-30T22:08:00.005+08:00

Taking a short break now from hours of mugging..

Just had a speech presentation for effective comm.. it went well for me and hopefully the same for the grade too.. there is mkting presentation tml.. will be the last for the whole course.. no more grp meetings with team.. looking back, it is pretty interesting that how this team was formed.. me and kenneth juz randomly join 2 girls without grp to form a team.. then came arjun to make it 5.. both of the girls happened to be yr 4 and in their final years. Kewei from e-lit and chrystal from mass comm.. haha, its so strange. the team chemistry just come naturally ((: kinda sad that this whole thing is ending soon.. of coz, we can still meet up n keep in contact still.

has been nearly one month since confessed abt how i felt.. this period has been a bittersweet feel.. juz like wad paul said, there this sweet feeling when though u know things might be difficult and tough.. sometimes, i wonder will things still be the same if i had not made the move to tell her.. would it progress for the better because she got more time to settle on her feelings rather than me rushing to put her in a tough situation.. haiz, wadever the case, what's done has been done.. no point crying over a spilt milk..

this incident has made me realised how weak i am.. be it in controlling my emotions, my thoughts, my methods of handling things.. i have been trying to solve problems the way i deemed fit, and not seeking God.. Such a shame when I already got baptised n chose to devote my life to God.. yet, i commit the same mistake over n over again..

strangely, the more i alienate from God, the more He tried to reach out to me.. just like wad she did.. it was truly painful at certain points of the period. but prayers make wonders.. i found comfort and refuge under God.. Thanks for taking in your child when he got lost and nowhere to go..

this whole sage started way back long ago and its still ongoing.. there were times that are high n low.. when im with her, i felt i could take on the world.. when im alone, my mind just go crazy over her.. haha, its kinda weird that when u are going through this, u start to realised there are so many couples around u.. just like how u notice there are so many nsfs when u are going ns..wonder where will this leads us to...

well, this week we decided to go with the "low contact" week.. she was feeling very emotional, due to the many problems on her mind.. this sage, work, family, driving, baptisim, her wounds, along with the insufficient sleep she gets everyday, it just make things worse.. it juz a matter of time she will break down, not matter how strong she is.. even if she self-proclaimed she a robot, there will still be a time where it will eventually malfunction and breakdown.. "I'm in agony" she told me.. of coz, who will not.. its just that u having been putting a strong front for everyone to see.. but its so obvious u are having difficulty cooping it..

both of us agreed that she needs to put aside this thing for the moment to focus and concentrate on the other more pressing issues.. and thats where i made this suggestion to stop contact.. haha, its so dumb.. i regretted it the very moment i suggested it.. but to help both of us, i think this might still be the best option for now since we are heading nowhere.. somehow, this no contact compromises into a low contact week.. and so far, i believe i have been keeping to my side of the promise though it can be very tough to do so..

it is so difficult to keep a person out of ur mind.. when u try to put it aside, it keeps coming back.. never did i experience such a situation.. guess this is wad it means to be truly in love? u think abt her wadever u are doing.. luckily, praying helps abit when it really gets tough.. haiz, all this im experiencing, would u feel the same way as i did??

her baptism is on this sat.. meaning i got abt 3 more days to get my project done.. think im going quite slow now.. got to stay up later to do some catch up..

never have i felt so such that she is the woman of my life so far.. i prayed and prayed to God for this lady to appear in my life.. and when she did, things turned out this way.. maybe God is giving me a trial???

i have never seriously chase after a girl before in my whole life.. im lost in what to do.. i dunno what is right n wrong in courtship.. but i know that I have the backing of my friends, family and God.. no matter what, i gonna give my best.. there were already wrong moves that i made in the process, but they are lessons prepared for me be to be the man pleasing to God and the woman that i eventually end up with..

just like u, i have so much insecurities in life.. i need alot of assurance.. and when i dun get it, i feel unsettled, lost, disturbed.. and at times, i feel so from u.. i know wad im up against and things wun clear up so soon.. it might be a futile wait... but at least im sure u are the one that i have been searching for.. if we are not meant to be together, then its God's will.. I have already lower my expectation to the lowest.. afterall im juz a normal guy with nothing much to offer.. but i will do my very best to make u the happiest woman in the world within my ability.. i will change in order to make u feel so.. yes, i will not give up until the day u tell me that its impossible or maybe my heart become harden and choose to move on.. but i safely assure u that this day will not come anything soon n i mean it..

yeap, wad a long break i had.. guess i will slowly update my past year progress by bits.. the mission team just reached thailand today.. could not join due to school work.. i may not be physically be there, but my spirit is.. go forth and spread the words of God and make wonder though His name.. okie, back to muggin..

my heart yearns for u..

Back.. With More On My Mind

2010-03-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

After nearly mia for a year, i think its almost time for me to resume blogging.. some much has happened.. I'm in uni now, after hoping to start on it so early one yr ago..

life is so complicated.. with every further step u take in life, the more u discover that life is so different from what you percieve in the past. Those were the days when we were still so naive...

still, I'm glad that God provided me all these time.. Despite the fact that I distance myself from God at times or chose to challenge God by doing things the way I deem fit, He still does not leave me. He is constantly by my side, and even carried me when times were really tough n difficult.. Thank you Lord..

And now here I am facing a whole new set of problems and challenges that I have never been through before.. I pray for strength, wisdom and guidance from You.. Pls lead me, mold me, remind me, though I might try to do things my way.. "My Rule, My Way".. haha, how I used to live by this set of motto in the past.. hopefully, such days are over with God by my side..

I will do my best to resume blogging as much as possible.. Paul kinda inspired me to do so.. Life is full of mysteries and awe.. So much for us to remember and note. Just like His grace... I believe with this, I can constantly remind myself how blessed am I to be a child of God..

Never have I ever been in such a situation. And with my decision made, not solely myself but with God too, I will give all I got into this "wait". Who knows where will it leads me, but I know I would definitely regret for life if I let this pass without give it a shot.. And of course, I know He is with me too..

Yes, this is my story...

When the music stops, it points down to one... You...

Torn In The Heart

2009-03-12T21:59:00.003+08:00

Im back to blogging after being pissed off by blogger for nearly 2 months i think.. i hate the fact that the auto save thing for draft dun work well all the time.. everytime when im almost done typing the post, the browser juz get cranky n closes.. n it does not juz happen once..

watever the case, i had started working as a temp.. A shipping company at Concourse, called Swire.. The sg branch got a history of about 30 over yrs, but the parent company itself has been around for 200 plus yrs.. so in a way quite a reputable company..

to think of it, im pretty lucky to be able to work in this company.. i do not hav any work experience (unless u consider working in a shop as volunteer or 2 yrs of ns) and with only A lvl cert.. i was looking for a temp job to kill time since i got abt at least 7 months before uni admission.. i was among the 1st to enter ns for my batch, so ord-ed early.. that time I was looking every where for a suitable job that could cater to my preferrence: abt 8 hrs a day, pay abt 1.2k & no working days on weekend.. but shortly after ord, the crisis started to hit the economy, so quite hard to find one gd job..

initially, i almost got into recruit express as hr recruiter, but eventually rejected for not being "chatty" enough.. den i started looking into newspaper.. wanted to try working in retail or f&b cause get to move around alot n socialise with different ppl.. however, pay very low n working hour very long.. by some chance, i found swire ad in newspaper.. tried applying, but did not receive any news after that.. it was only abt 1 month later, i received a call from them for interview.. haha, to think i was already very desperate over looking for a job.. ever since ord, i have been surviving on my own saving, pay for my own insurance n saving policies.. somemore, i called yewting in the afternoon tat day to ask he got any catch for job.. was intending to follow him for the singtel promoter interview.. glad the call came tat day..

went for interview the next day.. was almost late cause the interview was after the singtel one.. cant find the lift that reaches the company floor.. barely made it on time though.. was very surprised to see so many caucasians working in that place.. only through the interview den i knew that it was actually a big british shipping company.. had an interview which doesnt feel like one.. the interviewer, sylvia (my current boss) explained the job scope n assumed tat Im going to join the company.. pay was uber gd (1.4K, above my expected range) at 1st sylvia was expecting 2 people to turn up for interview, after cutting down the list to me n a hwa chong guy.. but the guy backed up last min, so in the end yew ting the job instead.. lucky ass.. also, the new ad i was last time in the paper was actually meant for recruiting perm staff, so somehow the company needed temp staff, n im in now

so ended up in swire now as admin related temp staff, but work we do is like what a perm staff does... we were in charge of a project, attended countless meeting with managers, conference meetings with oversea.. so i learned alot from my stay in the company.. the contract ending at end of tis month, but im going to extent to june.. impossible to finish the project within my contract term.. i dun think i will wan to leave before my work is done too.. i was very grateful to Sylvia n Percy (my other boss) for being very kind n patience toward me n yt, so dun wan to let them down.. however, the extention going to cost me to miss the special term for ntu in may.. still wondering if i could cancel the term n join the regular july intake..

gonna take a week leave too next month cause going for church's missionary trip in thailand.. going to some student centre over there to teach them languages n organise day camp.. hope everything will go on smoothly n learn alot from tis trip since its my first missionary trip.. gonna be baptised too before leaving for thailand, so next month going to be quite happening..

i love my job, my bosses, the working environment.. but recently, been feeling very tired.. the current phase of the project is going to be one of the driest part whole of the whole thing.. waged constant wars with the Zzz monsters, esp after lunch.. but still time passes quickly, n the weekend is near again (:

i have been spending alot more time with God n church related issues.. joined by the church choir, attended more of fellowship activities n even prayer nights now.. closer with the church peepz too.. probably because the christmas play in dec that bring all of us together.. in fact, im actually enjoying myself very well now n happy abt it (:

ying came n returned back to aus, same for mel (though her stay was shorter n almost non-existant to us) ya, but we understood ur difficulties, so its okay ya.. juz next time bring more goodies from europe, like BRANDED clothes for example n not juz some CHUPA CHUPS gotten from airport.. gotten to spend more time with ying since her return from auz.. thought tat it would be very weird initally since we kinda had a major disagreement months before her return.. intestingly, things still went on as per normal.. thanks for not being mad with me ya.. did crazy n stupid things as we use too.. haiz.. missed those jc times..

yes yes, this might be the countless time i mentioned, but i missed schooling.. for the gals who went on studying immed after A's, u ppl wun understand how we guys feel.. really looking forward to uni (: but damn, what with all the crazy deaths in my beloved ntu? one attempted murder n another sucide.. watever the case, im going to mech eng, hopeful not gonna to affect me alot..

hav been thinking alot for past weeks.. u dun know y but im like suddenly thinking abt my love life during jc days.. maybe the 2 yrs time in ns does hav an adverse effect.. im like constantly think of her recently, work, play n even during in my slp.. as if its stalking me.. looking back, i was juz a j2 doing my job as orientation leader n she as freshie.. we were introduced to each other through various means.. dunno why did i gave up on the relationship when it was going to well.. valentine was coming n ppl already assumed we were already together.. it was a mutual interest.. yet, somehow, the me at that time screwed it up n wanted to be single.. until now, i still couldt understand why did i made tat move.. the worse thing is tat we did not make a clean "breakup", so everything was very blury.. my time in dance was probably to get nearer to her, but ironically, when she was there, i juz cant approach her.. juz something in me tat holding back.. thought tat i could try after A's, but too weird to ask her abt it again since i let her down in the 1st place.. now she is doing well (i hope) n the least i could do is to wish her the best n pray for her..

pls dun ask me abt tis as im having a headache over tis issue.. probably because my sis got a bf, den got me thinking abt it.. kinda proud of her to be able to get a gd looking, sporty guy instead of some geek.. well, i hav no worries since she told me tat he already hav plans for the future n i believe he will treat her well.. well, he BETTER do.. (: gonna press my sis to intro him to me one day..

k, gonna slp liao.. tis post is like crap, so much on the mind, but cant pen down nicely.. heck, gonna wake up like in 5 hrs time for work.. great tat tml is FRIDAY.. going for driving lesson n meet cj n xin after tat..

New Year Ahead!!!!

2009-01-02T01:00:00.002+08:00

Whao!!! A year had passed!! a new start again for me and i need to start on new year resolutions (which i had never begin before)

Resolutions for 2009:

1. to be baptised n faithful to God
2. to be truthful to myself
3. to spend more time with family, dad n sis esp
4. to mug hard for uni (once i got in)
5. to get driving licence
6. to stay as fit as i did in ns (goal getting further n further away)
7. to revamp my room (including painting if possible)
8. to master basic guitar
9. to mature more n be less retarded
10. to revamp my wardrobe

11. to continue my jap language lesson

yeah, tat roughly wad i aim to achieve tis year, hopefully not to demanding.. to move on in life as much as possible, resisting the urge to look back...

My Rule, My Way, Along With God's Will

Im Drying Up!!!!

2008-12-30T21:07:00.003+08:00

Gosh, the year is nearly over n yet i still haven found a job.. on currently surviving based on my saving during ns.. well, though i got saving account, my account for spending is not topping up.. hav not been really getting any $$$ from my parents since ord.. so now, everything i do very very budget budget..

christmas is juz over n it was a very busy n costly one for me again.. ended up buying more presents tis yr.. some much for the cash mum gave me intended as chrismas present.. well, im fine with it anyway since christmas is the season of giving n if it is for impt friends, why not??

but christmas is more than juz any other normal holiday.. it was mean to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, who came to tis world to save us.. sadly, the purpose of tis special was lost as time goes.. christmas day itself became commercialise by commercial companies n firms, used as a marketing tool for their own purposes.. X-mas, commonly used by them, was used to rule out "Christ" from "Christmas"..

i found out something interesting.. Jesus Christ was actually not born on 25th of December.. 25th december is juz a date to celebrate his birth.. also, the so-called 3 wise men tat went to visit baby Jesus was not entirely true.. the event of wise men visiting Jesus in stable did occur, but the exact number tat went was unknown.. it was assumed by many to be 3 because there were 3 gifts offered by the wise men to Jesus, so one each.. in addition, the wise men did not appeared to the night Jesus was borned but years later.. so, i was like "Wow" n "Orh" after hearing these.. all along i grew up in a church hearing to all the stories from the bible, there will alway be things tat i still do not know n fascinated by the endless knowlege n information the bible offers.. its only a matter of whether u choose to open ur heart to it's words..

well, i may not be a totally devoted or "holy" christian, but i decided to put in my best effort in rebuilding my relationship with God.. there no such thing as little or half faith, juz yes or no.. until now, there are still qns n doubts regarding on tis faith which might sometime hinder my relationship with God.. But, deep in my heart, I know there is tis one true God, the God tat surpasses time n space, one tat is not bounded by what is finite.. And i am glad to say tat i have no regrets in accepting Jesus Christ as my personal saviour..

so much for my "holy" post.. christmas was very happening n meaningful.. our church had a play n i was involved as a supporting actor.. though the rehearsal n practice came pretty late, along with the many screw ups even on the actual day final rehearsal, everything juz went pretty smoothly despite minor problems.. the sound n lighting, prop teams, acting crews, scene transition n mood for the actual performance, it was wonderful considering the amount full length practice we had.. fantastic (:

stayed over at 141, celebrated qi lei's birthday n christmas countdown.. everyone gathered together just like good old times.. it seemed ages we came together as a whole fellowship, esp when everyone starts to go separate ways as we grow.. sammuel became a regular, n i believed its because of the christmas play.. got closer with many other more in the church.. after all these years, no matter what, its always the church friends tat u could eventually rely on (:

gonna get baptised next yr, enter ntu early special term n start studying, obtained driving licence (ATT on 9th of Jan, n haven study yet!!!), wan to learn guitar, resume jap language lesson, n WORK TOO!!! tmr is new yr eve liao.. so farewell to another yr n look forward to another better yr ahead!!! (i hoped)

looking back

2008-12-05T21:42:00.002+08:00

finally, back to blogging again.. mia for very long.. mainly due to being lazy (no wonder ppl always mentioned tat maintaining one is troublesome) alot of thoughts in my mind right now, n here to voice them down..

ORD LO!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep, i ord-ed on 10/11/2008.. good bye to ns, camps, booking in n out, soc, super short haircut, drills, turnouts, random endless route marches, tucked-in shirt, blah blah blah.. looking back, 2 these 2 yrs sure passed pretty quickly n faster than i thought.. life juz seemed so tough when u ar serving it but juz a breeze once u ar over with it.. as if a spell is cast over u and lifted on 101108.. life in ns seemed like a mirage, so real yet hazy...

yes, i complained many many times over n over againto many ppl abt ns (esp btw me n cj, yak yak yak) abt how tough n impossible to undergo tis period of "dark times" sry to anyone who hav to endure my storytelling sessions even though u ar not interested.. haha.. tis applies very well for the female counterparts out dere.. i cant hide the fact tat now whenever we guys gather together, there ar only the standard few topics we discuss : 1) outfields 2) tekan-ing sessions 3) saf rations (haha, esp combat rations) 4) guard duties 5) units 6) ocs n csms 7) and more tekan-ing sessions.. too many of the female friends could relate to our conversation n many many apologies for tat.. to think that i used to believe tat such a thing would not happen, when we hav lots of tat in camp.. but ladies, please understand us.. tis is a stage where most of us guys never endured or been through before.. so it was really an eyeopener for us.. never did we undergo such harsh trainings or discipline before (other than the naggings from our mums) it also never occur to me tat whenever we guys come together, topics on ns juz come to us naturally, even time to time we promised the girls tat we would not bring it up.. oops..

lots of events cramped within the last six months of my ns service.. n yet i used to believe my instructors tat tis period would the sweetest phase of my ns tour.. well, i do hav to say it is true to a certain extent.. its a fact that we did much lesser trainings compared to the pass one yr.. but never did we believe tat it was juz refering to outfields.. ever since our "victorious" return from atec, thailand, n completion of uc (unharmed combat), we hav been pretty busy with trainings for saf n ndp rehearsals.. will move on the ndp since the saf day have been touch on in the previous post..

what ndp left in me was a pretty hazy one.. but i could grantee for sure is tat i was one of the many proud singaporeans on tat day itself... i seriously believe not many gotten the chance to be personally involved in ndp parade section, let alone as part of both the guard of honor n best combat unit at the same time.. yes, drill trainings were difficult.. not physically, but more on the mental side tis time compared to saf day since we do not need to stay in the parade as long.. yet i wouldt dare say tat ndp will be any easier anyway.. probably due to the fact tat ndp is being catered n broadcasted to a much larger viewers compared to saf day itself.. in addition, ndp been broacasted worldwide, with the world watching at us.. yes, every single one of us to be exact.. well, trainings were twice a weeks, without excluding saf day ones too before saf day over.. though many hours spent coming together for training, the only actual time spent for drills was very little.. parade was only part of the national day celebration, not including performances n shows.. so most of the time were spent waiting n waiting.. n u know, tis was the most sinful part of the whole ndp thing.. imagine urself with nothing much to do, sitting around with ur fellow mates (whom u get to see almost everyday of ur life, tat time) n tons of kids from various uniform groups screaming endless cheers (main culprits were gb n girl's guides) wad make thing worse when u ar in this situation, is tat u hav many food sponsors supplying free snacks n bites for grabbing.. i could not remember how many countless time where i promised tat i would not take another share after im done with mine, to be appeared q-ing up in the line waiting for another round.. damn.. old chang kee, milo, mr bean, pizza's hut, kfc, etc.. damn..

still, i hav to give compliments to many various groups involved in ndp for making it such a success.. ndu, for challenging us to see which marching contingent is a better one.. the logistic part (who ever u ar) for managing such a large scale project n ppl.. be it food, transport, holding ground etc, u guys ar awesome (esp in handling the public, kids included) n i hav to admit, it almost equally as shag as our outfield training.. the black knights, for stealing the limelight of the show.. was wonderful, with high risk moves.. the red lions, for bringing back memories of our airborne jumps, when these jumpers were used to be our instructors.. n finally *drum roll* the irritating uniform grps sitting directly opposite us in the holding area for their wonderful n seemly endless cheers.. without u, the holding area will be juz too peaceful for us to handle.. haha, talking abt uniform grp, there is one particular uniform grp i wan to sympatise, which is the scouts.. it seemed tat the more senior boys will get to wear red bert compared to the green one (if i remember correctly) of the junior boys.. sadly, these seniors juz always ended up becoming our mockery with the berets.. sorry, but i believe u didt not walk ur ass off to get tat (: wad really caught us laughing is tat even the security guards of the suntec wore red berets.. well, no problem with soc (special operation command ) elite police unit wearing tat.. but hello?? SECURITY GUARD as well?? well.. u might say that we ar boastful or so, but please, it took us such a hard time to obtain the right to put that piece of red wool head-dress on head.. where scout boys n mr security could juz obtained them without much challenge.. would u even understand the value, the blood n soul, the pride we put into the red beret n don it on our head after 9 months of harsh trainings and it doesnt end with tat..

on the actual ndp day itself, i would die tat i almost got wiped off the surface of the earth.. my no 1 kept giving me problem.. the collar badge keeping dropping, juz cant seemed to be tapped down.. shoulder emblem nearly dropped off as it was not sercure properly.. n worse still, nearly MISFIRE due to rounds stuck in chamber.. OH MY GOSH.. i nearly ko-ed tat moment when i heard tat "tak" sound during the second round of joy of fire (cant remember the spelling of the orginal name, foo de joie if im not wrong, french i think) lots of things went through my mind: did my collar badge drop? my shoulder emblem still on my shoulder?? will i hook off the front guy's beret like i did few training rehearsals ago??? should i fire the next round???? why am i even here????? ha, my mind juz ran amok.. well, i calmed down.. the command for the next drill was given.. hormat.. damn, rifle raised to the shoulder.. should i fire?? will it go off?? den i did one of the craziest thing ever.. well, it not like i didt do much before in life, juz tat army made it a routine.. i slowly raised my left thumb from the pistol grip to the safety button n tried to put to safe.. damn it juz wun go in, caused the round was stucked, plus i cocked the rifle again when the cocking of rifle command was given.. meaning double feeding!!?? now two rounds in the chamber.. i remember tat alvan was laughing from my back.. obviously he saw the whole thign.. hell, how could such thing even happen at such a time.. if i misfired, not only the whole public will focus on me, mr president n the whole parliment will get to know who is corporal 1st class lee zhao qi tat day..well, i didt not hav the honor tat day..

after ndp was the 21km ahm.. the very 1st time i ran tat far in a single attempt.. well, marching was long over that mark, but running 21km was my very 1st attempt..pretty challenging, esp when im not a long distance runner.. blamed it on the many tranings tat the battalion gave, i managed to finish it without much problem and after effect days after.. running 21km was a whole new experience compared to marching.. likewise, u hav to keep talk to urself to keep urself moving.. but as for running, i realised there is really no such thing as pacer.. different ppl run at different pace.. once u run at a pace tat not within ur comfortable range, u ar actually not maximising ur running capacity n energy.. so, all those kind pacers out there, thank you for being such a nice guy for making the effort the push the weaker ones on n cheering for them even though they rarely registered in their minds during their runs..

we had one day rest after the ahm to the begin of our next n last training phase.. details could not be released due to military secrets but after the local traning phase was the the foreign training phase at thailand.. was so hoping tat it would be cancelled due to the instability of thailand.. who would wan to go outfield after weeks of lying down on bed in bunk waiting for ur meals n book out daily.. nevertheless, got through the horrible part of the phase, n soon found tat i was in the middle of R&R n again on the plane back to singapore..

and next, the preparation for ord parade!!!! after we returned from thailand, we go less than one week to prep for ord parade.. time was tight, but fun n enjoyable.. laugher was everywhere, except when rsm appeared.. the officers and men came one for tis occasion as we embarked the very last phase of our ns tour.. finally when 241008 came, n we donned on the no 1 attire smartly for the one last time and realised tat after the parade we were free men juz like two years ago.. the whole family came down.. it was very nice of xin too to come down n attend the parade.. the cermonial day juz ended as quickly as it began..

one week later, we gathered together again for the company's ord dinner organised by lester.. nearly everyone brought their dates except the few miserable us tat did not managed or bothered to find one.. dinner was light hearted n brought back warm memories n feelings.. juz when oc closed his speech on his personal experiences with the company during his tour did we realiseed tat everything was nearly over.. many photos were taken n hugs exchanged and even though not much words were expressed after tat, everyone seemed to under how each of us feel in the heart..

hey, but it still not over yet.. ord date itself was on 101108.. so we gathered together in camp one last time in no 4 as nsf to collect the very thing tat we hav been waiting for: the pink ic.. u know, after all these time u hav been yearning for this little card ever since u hand over to the military on enlistment date got into ur hand once again, u realised tat the past 2 yrs tat it was not the ic tat u truely wan, but the life of a freed man u hav lived before.. not tat army has tied us down from freedom n rights, but shaped us to be appreciative of what we hav in time of peace.. ns trained us not to take things for granted, n in these case the peace of our beloved nation.. nothing is free in the world.. everything comes with a price, n tat applies for our freedom to be called a singaporean.. recent mumbai incident once again proved ta this so called peace that we boldly took for granted could be easily be taken from us in a blink of eye, be it u like it or not.. n it is granteed tat it will not be a pleasant experience, as we learned from past occupation n the fall of singapore's 1st victim to terrorism.. complacency will not n shall not be tolerated for such an incident to happen in singapore n i believed tat singapore would not be the same if it did.. juz like how we wished to return to the same life as we used to live before entering ns, singapore is taking her peace n stablility for granted by assuming tat we ar immuned to such attacks or economic crisises.. i believed my biggest lesson tat the ns had given to me is to live a whole new life, an improved one, as compared to the past in this ever-changing world tat constantly demanding us move forward.. n of course, ns in my case, has acheived its purpose..

tis post could only express a small part of wad im feeling or undergo tis past 2 yrs as a soldier.. as i stepped out of the camp tat day with a pink ic in my hand, i could not help but to think tat will i be ready to face a reality world tat is not as merciful as the army's harsh training.. few of us left with a heavy heart, while the rest, oblivious to the fact tat some of us might not get to meet again in future even though there are opportunities to come together for reservices, gloating abt the pink ic on the phone to friends tat are still in service.. yew ting chatted with me, n shared tat why was he feeling empty on the day itself instead of being excited n cheerful.. n we come to a common agreement tat we used to believe tat after we will still get to see each other after every book out, den to ord parade n dinner n finally ord date itself.. never did we expect tat the sudden emptiness on the ord day itself was so overwhelming.. yes, often we promised tat we will still continue to meet up despite how long hav pass.. however, looking back at my past, my pri n sec friends (n in fact, some of my jc friends which i knew so recent ago) seldom or never contacted one another again after graduation proved how ironic the promises could get..

until now, i still could not accept the fact tat im officially ord-ed.. i could not discribe the mixed feeling tat im going through now.. sort of a sweet yet bitter feeling though.. probably because the schedule had been very tight, esp the last half yr, tat time passes exceptional fast.. as if it was over in a blink of eye.. still, this chapter of life will always be a part of my heart, a name when i was once called zq lee

moving on, and never look back.. no time for self-pity for the world waits for no one

Coming Close To A Chapter..

2008-07-31T15:34:00.003+08:00

ages since i blogged.. times had been hectic, with numerous things to be done.. 1st thing 1st, 1st cdo battalion won the best combat unit of the year title in atec.. its been the 22nd time we win since the start of the cdo bn many many yrs ago.. though winning the title is something to be proud of, we should not be complacent abt it.. commando is always thought to the elites among the saf n expectation is high.. guess winning another yr is juz like a rountine need to be done daily.. ppl aint gonna be make a big fuss over such a win, but losing on the other hand portrays us badly instead..

yep, tis too means tat we are involved in marching for saf day n ndp.. trainings were tough since the 1 and half yr of ns before werent much on marching.. we were very into physical n combat fitness training for atec.. however, these events required another type of fitness - parade fitness.. well, i heard tis from one of the officers during the rehearsal for saf day n i wasnt very convinced at 1st.. however as the trainings n practices passed, it became obvious tat such a fitness is impt to endure through large scale parade.. usual parades normally dun exceed half an hour.. but both saf day n ndp require at least nearly an hour of ur soul in the parade.. it wasnt easy as we were normally in the hot sun, but the trainings in thailand proved to be useful.. haha im glad to say tat out of the 4 goh (guards of honour : commando, naval diving unit, air force and military police), we have zero fall out rate for all the practices of saf day.. the other units began their training a month before us, yet for us to be able to catch up with their standards n probably outshine them, guessed its something to be proud of.. 1st of july was the saf day itself.. all the high ranking officers were there for the parade as spectators.. tat includes the chief of army n defense force, minister of defense n the president.. on the same day, we were also awarded to best combat unit award n the state flag, only to be held by the bcu.. focus turned toward ndp after saf day.. endless drills n marching.. but it was rewarding too.. not many ppl get to marching on such a large scale event as the goh.. i heard tat tis will be the 1st time ndp will be broadcast live on cna (channel news asia), meaning the whole asia will be watching us.. so far, we did 3 national education shows for students n public.. tis coming sat will be the preview, n the next sat is the actual day itself.. i always enjoyed every single moment of the march, from suntec to the marina bay floating platform n back to suntec.. the public will always be cheering n calling out for us.. we too get to view the black knights 1st hand with all their fancy air stunts..

cleared my soc n finally ippt today.. it feels good to be able to hit my personal best for both.. used to remb i struggled badly for these two physical tests during bmt periods.. guess running is my best improvement of all.. used to run abt 11:30 during jc, 10:14 during bmt.. those times i used to think tat i was fast.. but well, army makes everyone go crazy.. i dun noe why n what motivated me to train for cdo ippt gold.. i used to hav the mindset tat its impossible, esp for the 9:14 runing time.. but somehow i managed to acheive it toady n im proud of it (: but it came with numerous attempts, 10:05 to 9:34 (1st time i ever gotten below 10) to 9:22 (i was very demoralised abt tis as i was so close to getting gold) to 9:07 (yeah!!) i didt expect myself to perform today as i had a fever yesterday.. yep, n thank god, i managed somehow.. had my ippt gold n marksmenship last month, cleared soc, basic n indon wings, and a promotion too!! going to be promoted by tml to 1st class corporal.. meaning $50 more in monthly allowance.. well, im glad tat i could achieve almost everything i could for my ns tour (though i lack of a thai wing).. now its juz waiting for ORD!!

i truly enjoyed every single moment of my life in ns, even though i might whine at time.. it taught me many things and allowed me to know great friends.. sadly, ord is coming soon (nov) n im believe im gonna miss all these times, juz like how i missed jc life during ns.. still, im looking forward to uni.. oh ya, i picking up jap at a learning centre now (:

my grandfather passed away in may.. im glad tat he left very peaceful in his sleep.. he was released from all the mortal sufferings in tis world. be it physical or emotional pain.. somehow, i still could not let got the fact tat my grandfather gotten into such a state because of my relatives.. he gotten into depression because of his sons or my uncles.. i cant forgive the fact tat they left him in tat state where a rational man like him turned into one who cried out he is going to die everyday.. i hate tat nearly none of his children bother to show care n concern to him till something happend.. i depised the fact that they wept n mourned the loudest when he passed away.. sometime, i think tat trying to read a person mind is like solving a pandora box, full of surprises, though mainly unpleasant... nevertheless, im glad tat my grandfather stayed with us during the past yrs till the end where our family gave our very best to him while others shoved away the responsibilities to look after him..

life is full of uncertainties n surprises.. treasure them while u can..

Hurdle Over

2008-04-06T18:05:00.002+08:00

been a while (again) since i last blogged.. 4 months.. well, this period of time had been pretty enjoyable for me.. so im gonna make some effort to note down what i hav been doing over the past 4 months

juz back from thailand! the whole atec evaulation took place over dere.. was dere close to one month.. weather was hot n dry over dere.. temperature goes as high as 37 to 38 degrees n it a norm dere.. so u can imagine when days are even hotter.. i would say tat tis trip to thailand is pretty meaningful, somehow similar to the brunei one.. i got to learn more abt the lifestlye of the thais over dere.. they are very generous n kind people.. n they help u from the bottom of their hearts.. though not even part of thailand is not very developed (or laid back), the people there enjoy themselves more than most of the singaporeans do..

though the pre-evaluation prep n evaluation itself were gruelling, it had been an experience.. many times we found ourselves carrying heavy loads exhuasted after going through excercise after exercise.. bet during our time in thailand, all of us on average trekked up to 70km at least.. still, i think it was meaningful.. going through all these difficulities helped us bond n know one another better.. im not sure how the rest of the company felt abt tis, but i personally get to know many of my companymates better.. my impression on some of them changed, most for the better..

being a commando really trained me to become a better person.. i realised tat i hav become more matured personally (mayb not to some other people, esp CJ) in the past, i used to get irritated n lose my head easily when im in a tough situation.. but now, my mind is clearer n im able to make better decisions now.. i too learned how to be a better follower as i used to often hold leadership appointment.. following n leading are both equally tough. i smile more often from the bottom of my heart now.. guess these come naturally

anyway, based on our unit performance in thailand for atec, it is most likely tat we will be getting the best combat unit of the yr.. tis meaning we will get to march on ndp in no 1 attire.. tis victory came with blood n sweat shed by every one of us.. and tis too came with honour n glory..

still,dere are much to be done.. rehearsal practices for saf day n ndp, some other minor trannings n hunt for mas selamat.. the latter incident took place juz abt one week before we left for thailand.. but seriously, i thought he would be caught by the time we arrived back in singapore.. i was wrong, n tis implies tat, i too, are one of the many curprits tat take singapore peace and stability for granted.. everyone has a role to play, be it as a soldier, worker, homemaker or student.. its our responsibility to keep singapore safe n peaceful as it is..

in the past 4 months, i frankly have not been really mixing around with a lot people.. its always with my jc close friends, churchmates or ns mates.. unfortunately, the main reason is due to the fact of my obsession in manga n anime (juz like wad cj said) it took away most of my free time (as in when im not in camp) guess during tis time, i read or watched at least 20 over manga and animes.. hate to admit but it did close up my social circle quite abit.. but still, i enjoyed myself somehow and pretty surprised tat it actually replace my previous obsession in gaming .. so, i think im gonna continue but try to tone down abit.. if not i think im gonna get withdrawal syndrome (like an addict)

ying has already left for aus for her studies.. farewell is hard to say, but things have to still move on.. i think its tough on her, esp when she has to left her comfort zone to embark into a foreign land.. she is a strong lady n i believed tat she will overcome probs she faced over dere.. still, no matter how strong one can be, dere's still a limt to one.. so, if u encounter any prob, pls contact us.. i too on my part will try my best to help u (though i disappointed u once, sry)

tried to changed my blogskin, but somehow it juz dun fall nicely in place, so im gonna juz stick around longer with tis skin.. (actually, im abit lazy to do something abt it)

gonna book in again after one week break from military life.. like wad cj (again) said, we might be quite reluctant to go back camp.. still, there are things to look forward to tat can be enjoyable, n i sincerely believe tat life will be much more easier compared to pre-thailand phase.. so, let juz enjoy (:

a year of ns has passed!

2007-12-13T09:05:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. a month plus since i last posted.. pretty hectic for the past few weeks.. constantly out in the field training.. the unpredictable weather made it worse.. often found myself out there covered with mud when it is raining..

atec is coming soon.. n the whole formation is preparing for it.. a single outfield training will at least requires 35km of marching with heavy equippment.. to think of it, the whole company is getting stronger n stronger each week.. training might b tough, but somehow it managed to bond the whole det better.. pretty soon when atec comes, we will definately be ready n clich the best combat unit of the yr again.. ohhh.. really looking forward to march in ndp with no1 in it.. (:

2 weeks ago, were ying n cj birthdays (27th n 29th of nov respectively).. as always, their birthday celebration is always the biggest aomong us (yes, n if u 2 ar reading, better feel guility.. haha) spend tons of money on them, but guess it worth it la.. think they liked their gifts.. we celebrated their birthday by going to marina square foodcourt to eat their cake.. super malu when we sang the birthday song, kinda weird singing in such a place.. proceed to harbourfront centre to take cable car to faber for a dining place in jewelbox, called alvito bar if im not wrong.. ha, the cable car booth jus remind me of last yr when melvin tried to purchase the tickets for sentosa admission.. definately hi-5 can remeber tat.. we settled down their n order our meal.. seriously, i think the food there is worth the value.. we were very pleased with the service too.. while dining halfway, it started to "snow".. bubble n foam making device i think.. took alots of photos after tat.. guessed it was the most number of pic i took in a day.. lots of crappy stuff.. anyway, we enjoyed ourselve greatly..

got standby duty in camp for the christmas week.. morale n mood pretty low.. gonna missed lots of the fun during christmas, be it with church or friends.. wadever the case, gonna make full use of this period to train up physically.. lost quite alot of the physical fitness over the past few weeks due to field training..

gonna buy ps3 today.. hehe.. been waiting for very long.. initially wanted to purchase when mgs4 is released, but cant wait anymore.. melissa coming back soon tis sun, looking forward to meet her.. hope she dosn't crash the plane though (she going to kill me if she sees this) like tat, the ultimate hi-5 will be complete.. (to think of it, how come choose hi-5, not very cool) got nootka outing on 29th if there is no changes n council chalet from 28 to 29th.. busy busy week.. well, hope for the best for the last month of 2007!

birthday boy n girl!

organisers

me n "darling"

cj n xin

ying n i

hi-5! (without mel,dun think got space either)

"snowing"

smiley (:

caught in thoughs

cool style

Path Completed..

2007-11-01T21:04:00.001+08:00

Finally.. im officially an commando.. got my red beret on 26th of oct.. pretty impt day for those tat ar getting their red beret on that day.. after going 10 months of tough training, this beret officially belongs to us, along with the rights to wear it..

initially i didt understand why cant the red beret be issued to us straight after bmt cause it is juz a matter of time before we become a part of the commando family and obtain the red beret.. however, after going through all these hardship, i finally understood why.. not many could withstood the hardship tat the training offers.. not because it is physically demanding, but more of metally demanding.. there ar many times where u juz keep telling urself to give up, go be some normal infantry will do.. often u find urself waging war with ur own mind.. greatest enemy not others but yourself.. indeed true..

i remember times where when i could juz couldt meet the chinup requirements for ippt or soc timing.. i kept motivating myself by telling myself tat i could do it.. but everytime when results do not show or tally with the efforts u put in, u get more depressed and affected each time.. as if it is juz some false hope.. finally when u got through tat, u got injured during the very 1st jump for ur airborne course.. another blow to ur morale when ur fellow coursematez graduate while u sit aside in clutches.. again n again, my mind n soul is tested over n over.. n gradually, it juz gets stronger over time.. to me, tat is what commando training really gave or impart me

cj n i kept complaining to one another abt how tough is training, n how much he wanted to give up.. ha, to think of it, both of us both our beret last fri.. time really flies.. from the day we enlist as recruits, to privates, den to corporals.. each of the process holds many memories..

well abit on my red beret cermony.. before going straight to the parade, we did a 72km route march.. took alot of toll on us.. many began with injuries and ended up with even more.. but im glad tat none of my company matez fall out from the march.. we started from 4pm on 25th oct to abt 4pm on 26th oct.. in total, abt one full day.. we were really shack out.. yet there was no time to rest.. we were supposed to march for 4km in 45min, rest for 15min, den move on again.. as always, the further u march, the more pain u feel, n slower u get.. muscles get tighter n tighter with every rest.. ouch.. haha, the funniest moment was the night part.. where everyone get tired n sleepy.. u get ppl who sleep n walk at the same time.. or facial expressions u never seen before.. wadeva the case, the long march was over only after walking from camp to east coast park, den walk up n down the full length abt 3 1/2 times den back to camp.. wad a killer..

right after we finished marching, we rested at the shed in camp to prepare for our parade.. the rest was yet only abt 15mins den we need to move off for the cermony.. we had only 5 mins to camo our face, carry our boats, n be ready at the gate by den.. everyone was limping around tat time due to the walk.. yet i think the parade took the pain off our mind..

when we reach the gate, the parade started.. the emcee asked the audience to turn their attention to the gate, tat where when we come in n steal the limelight..

once on the parade square, we dropped the boat den fall in.. it was den the time to issue the red beret..

look at those berets, so juicy!!

issuing of red berets (1st guy from the left, in the 1st row)

Donning of beret (ha, now 3rd guy from the left, 1st row)

Kaboom!!!

well, tat the parade roughly all abt.. though our training as trainees were over, many more responsibilities and challenges are awaiting for us ahead.. Nevertheless, i will be definately be ready to overcome every single one at come at me..

the whole nation is watching

Path To Red Beret Almost Completed..

2007-10-21T16:00:00.000+08:00

ha, hav been back from brunei for almost 2 weeks plus, yet too lazy to update the blog.. so i decided to do abit of updating here to remove some dust from my personal corner..

brunei wasnt as tough as i thought.. thick veg n wet climax, but can get very hot at times too.. spent time at brunei for abt 21 days there.. life is pretty simple for the brunei ppl.. training was quite fun yet tiring.. learnt lots of stuffs there, like basic survial courses n nagvigating though rough terrain..

guess the most defining moment in brunei is the survial course.. we got to learn skills on how to survive in the forest if u ar stranded alone in it.. from building simple lodging to setting up traps to hunt for food like monitor lizards (yucks).. best of all is tat we got to witness the killing of quails, chickens n rabbits with bare hand.. no snake though (guess low budget to get it, the animals were obtained from farms) the rational of killing with bare hands is to train us to kill n hunt for food in case we ar left with nothing.. in additional, it is to give us a personal feel of killing a living creature, so tat we ar more ready to take a life in future if there is a need too.. well, everyone got a chance to kill at least a quail.. but the more "lucky ones" got to kill chicken n rabbit.. yep, some backed out of the killing.. its pretty interesting how the techniques were used to kill them.. for the quail, u hav to life them up by the wings den stroke them gently till they calm down.. den, out two fingers in btw their neck, twist n PULL.. quite gruesome n cruel, but it will be more cruel if u cant kill it in one try.. imagine someone was to be hung, but the rope snapped in the process n u hav to put him back into the process again.. so it is best to finish it quickly.. at least tat was what i told myself constantly in my mind before i was to kill one back then.. well the general lesson learnt was simple: in order for one to survive, another must die.. survival of one precceeds all human principles (roughly wad i could remember from the survial creed, tat we were told to recite before killing the animals)

before going back to brunei, i managed to do another combat jump.. tis means i offically completed my basic airborn course.. gee.. jumping is fun, but the trill mixed wif fear will always be there even it is ur first jump or number 1000 jump..

i believed it is more or less confirmed tat im in commando.. as in officially commando.. we went through a gruelling 10 months before we could earn the rights to recevie n wear the red beret while other units mainly got it within one month after the end of their bmt.. n tat doesnt mean u will still stay in commando.. some of us will still unfortunately get posted out, n more in future due to injuries.. haiz.. finally the red beret presentation is on tis coming fri, right after a 72km march.. gee.. it is going to be a very meaningful day in my life.. all the blood n tears sheded.. tis will be the day to be looked forward to..

kk, got to go back camp

trials of God

2007-09-02T19:07:00.000+08:00

its been really long time since i last blog.. like always, many things happened.. well, so ar pleasant, some ar not..

more into the happier events.. i got my sliver wings.. completed my basic airborn jump.. kinda proud of it.. has been a personal achievement.. completed all the local outfields in singapore liao.. so means no more outfield for a while..

to think of it, i cant really recall much happy events.. hmmm..

oh well, as for the not so happy ones.. dad is undergoing treatment now.. doctor siad there is a blood clot in his brain, n it is affecting his vision now.. dad said he is having double vision now.. though doc recommend operation, success rate is only 30%.. as it is refering to the success of removing the clot or something else, i dun wan to noe.. juz tat, dad had already made up his mind not to go opt.. dunno, but im kinda against his decision.. coz by not removing the clot n leaving it in the head, its like a time bomb.. might juz burst one day.. after effects are either getting stroke or death.. hmmm.. he currently undergoing therapy with the chinese doc instead now.. he said tat recent brain scan shows tat the clot is getting bigger, maybe probably due to the postive result of the chinese medical work tat the clot is dispersing (which made it looked big).. whatever the case, i can only wait for the next scan to see if it really works..

have been giving some thoughts.. what if something really happen to dad.. got to take the responsibility of a man in the family.. mum is falling sick too lately.. guess its because of dad's health.. hopefully she is taking good care of herself ya.. got to start watching my expenditure n begin saving, got to fine some way to rely less financially on my parents..

well, melissa n charmaine have left overseas to study.. swiss n us respectively.. soon ying will be going to aus next yr.. mayb for melvin too.. wish i could finish my ns quickly n continue to pursue my education quickly.. think i will take part time while during to reduce the load of my parents supporting my studies..

going to bruei for oversea training in abt 2 weeks time.. its going to be 3 weeks long training.. heard many things abt the condition there.. well, gonna give it a shot no matter wad.. red beret presentation going to come in less than 2 months.. something to look forward too.. hmmm.. at least some motivation to look forward to..

birthday come sat if im not wrong.. but kinda not in the right mood to celebrate.. feeling pretty low at the moment.. but still there always something to look forward to in life.. juz tat if u see it only..

just a small glimp of light will be sufficient

path to red beret begins..

2007-07-08T15:36:00.000+08:00

bac course is over.. but i still haven gotten my sliver wings.. this is because i got injured during my 1st jump.. landed on runway.. super hard.. ended up spraining my foot.. juz hav to wait till 12th of july for another chance to get my sliver wing back.. will be jumping again.. hopefully no injuries again.. wun wan to recourse.. n there is no pride in getting the red beret

finally posted the 1st cdo battalion.. promoted to coporal too on the day i got posted.. meaning my ns allowance rose again.. haha, abt 770.. almost the same allowance as sergent from sispec.. however, we wun get promoted at more in further, unless u considered 1st class coporal.. currently life in battalion is slow, but i believe it will pick up quickly soon.. hopefully i can adapt to the pace.. cant wait for my beret to come.. seriously wish to attend ndp next yr in number number 1.. will be a proud moment

mel n ying are going oversea to study for sure.. wish all the best.. unfortunately due to confinement next week, i n cj cant attend mel's farewell party.. haiz..

celebrated xin birthday yesterday.. had quite a good time together.. hi5 organised tis mini "amazing race" for xin to find her destination for the dinner n clues were given for her to guess wad is her birthday gift.. oh well, dinner was good n xin liked her gift.. however tis might the last chance we come together as hi-5 as mel is leaving..

college day next week.. invited to attend to receive prize.. hopefully im allowed to attend it.. coz i wan to see my ex-college friends.. geez

there are so much think i wanted to do, juz tat time is always not enough.. well, time is never enough.. the world is changing so fast tat i couldt catch up..

the mind is only as weak as how strong it could be.. its only a matter of which side do u look from..

Gotcha..

2007-06-03T19:27:00.000+08:00

Ha.. i PASSED my BAC test.. going for airborne course cuming wed.. gonna be a once-in-a-your-life experience.. hopefully i dun get injure myselve though.. there has been signs of ankle injury for me..

chose ntu mech eng already.. kinda glad tat im going into tat uni ..looking forward for ns to end so i could go back to study ya..

had hi-5 meeting on fri to visit ying.. she got food poisioning, due to eating salad? dunno.. had a fun thing catching up with them.. another gathering at rocky pizza on the next day, but with melvin joining in too.. man, he is going to POP soon.. time sure goes quickly.. attended the 8th sc elect's camp too.. hmm, didt noe them well enough to commend anything though.. hopefully they will continue the hard work we began.. another catchup session with the councilors too.. all the guys are undergoing ns while the gals ar waithing for uni admission.. most selected ntu n nus to pick up their courses.. hopefully we get to see one other there in future..

kinda miss both my jc n sec sch classmates.. hope there is going to be some gatheringsso we could still keep each other in contact..

A is for Airborn

2007-05-30T16:38:00.000+08:00

heylo.. im finally back from taiwan.. the whole training took abt 3 weeks.. kinda homesick during tis period.. well, im back anyway.. (:

took an taiwan airline, ava, to there.. the plane departed on an early morning.. and arrvied abt 6.30am.. taiwan is pratically like a desert.. not as in landscape but the weather.. very very hot in the day, and very very cold in the nite.. also the day starts very early in the summer season.. probably abt 4.30am? ya, so u normally wake up with the sun shinning at u.. also the day is long, from abt 5am to 6.30 pm.. when u ar used to singapore time (btw, singapore and taiwan timezone are the same..), u have serious problem in the day in taiwan.. the sun is already sorching as if it is noon in singapore, but when u look at ya watch, it only nine.. gee.. tat y most of us got sun-burned when we juz arrived..

initally i thought the camp in taiwan was quite layback, but to my surprise, i was wrong.. pretty much like some normal singapore camp.. the reason why we went oversea is to assist the leaders for training.. well, we were the "enemies"of the leaders.. at 1st i was supposed to join my course in going to the field to assist the leaders, but a small lucky number of us were selected randomly to take up certain appointments.. i was appointed as signal oic.. kinda shack though.. hav to sit in the office whole day listening to the com set to have a good update on how the training is progressing.. so when events or incidents happended, i will be like the 1st few to know.. n coz im always in the office, the instructors always ask me to do some admin stuff.. thus in a way im a clerk.. i too help out in store, meaning storeman, and occasionally in arns too, hence armskoteman.. gee, worst of all, im a runner for the wsm.. hav to follow him all over the place when im not manning the coms.. signaller, clerk, storeman, armskoteman and a runner.. phew.. and to think the rest of the coursematez think tat im still in the office enjoying the aircon and listen to radio..

i dun blame them though.. cause i know its tough to work in the field.. esp the weather is so unpredictable.. it juz rain n shine, shine and rain.. tough on them.. n i heard constant arguments occured among themselves due to poor morale.. salute to them..

it was quite happening in taiwan.. esp the incident tat took place where 2 singaporeans died in a taiwanese airplane crash.. i was the 1st few to heard abt it.. kinda glad tat we were safe from harm.. but felt sad for the affected battalion for their lost of friends.. it could juz easily be us if we trained in tat location.. worst still, they ar ns men like us.. still got so much to go in life.. die for ur nation..to call it an honour or disaster?? wadeva the case, these grp of ppl came to our camp to seek refuge as their camp was damaged and handed over for investigation.. to my surprise, they were smiling and laughing despite what happened.. yet when u looked into their eyes, u see sorrow and weariness.. haiz, they were really juz like us, 19-20 years old men..

i was abit disappointed with the local news when i collected the newspaper(mailed over from singapore) from the office.. the media protrayed too lightly on the air crash issue in my ppint of view.. the sorrows of these victims were juz mentioned in one or two pages of the whole papers.. on the other hand, the taiwanese citizens claimed the dead pilots as heroes for crashing the plane into the camp instead of juz letting the plane crash into the cilivian area..i cant juztify whether is it right or wrong of the pilots act, but i can fully assured tat at the split second of their lifes, they made the toughest decisions in their lifes..to crash into the cilivian housing tat will kill their own ppl and not risk diplomatic ties tat taiwan n singapore built upon closely, or to crash into crash into the camp to protect their fellow countrymen which they swear upon protect with their lifes, but inccur the wrath of the singapore government n ppl, or to juz eject from their plane to safety which left the plane to crash into wadeva tat comes in its way.. i personally find it hard to decide.. i was initally angry for the pilots' actions for causing the death of our country soldiers, but after some thoughts, i understand.. in fact i learn to sympatise them.. they definately know they wun make it as the plane was already flying too low, they parachute wun open in time to save themselve.. plus they hav alot to answer for, to both the taiwanese n singapore government, victims of the crash etc.. they also hav a high chance of going to jail for crashing the plane.. which leave them with only 2 choices.. at least, they died with pride..

r n r came.. we went to numerous places, kenting, gaoshiung, taipei etc.. ate quite alot and got food poisoning!! gee.. nothing much to play though..

coming fri is my bac(basic airborn course) test.. it is an important as it decides if i stay on in commando.. hopefully i can make it ya..

received letters from ntu n nus.. ntu offered me mechanical eng while nus offered me civil eng.. nothing from smu so far though.. dun think i wan to go smu .. dunno why, but i feel smu is not the sch for me anymore.. how i used to hope i will get into smu.. guess i will more or less go for ntu.. kinda interested in the uni though it is abit cheena.. oh well, lets see..

A reminder of my old self

2007-04-29T17:59:00.000+08:00

As per normal, life in ns is passing fast.. probably because of training everyday.. not shack though, in fact slack.. do pt, learn new stuff daily, den take test, and its night again to rest.. weeks after weeks..

hav been booking in n out this weekend.. last fri was some major event happening at cdo ti den we ar allowed to book out in the afternoon, yet hav to book in in the nite for a one n a half lesson on sat.. den booked out again after the lesson to book in tonite, which in turn booked out again tmr nite for labour day.. which AGAIN book in on tue nite.. gosh, all these book in n out things are costing me a bomb due to transport cost.. strange.. we ns men look forward to book out over the weekends during the weekdays, yet felt lost when we got the chance to..

watched the korean movie yesterday, 200 pound beauty.. suggested by melissa n ying.. i was kinda reluctant at 1st, cos i thought most korean shows are either crappy or full of crying scenes, which i wouldt wan to pay to watch such a movie.. but after watching it, it wasnt tat bad after all.. in fact i would recommend the show.. damn, brainwashed..

the show is practically abt this 200 pund girl who is super big yet talanted in singing n kind hearted by nature..and she got a crush on the main male lead of the show.. due to some reason, she resorts to desperate measures to gain his attention or love by undergoing plastic surgery.. she got what she wans, to be pretty n slim, yet still fails to gain the male lead attention.. even worst, with her new found identity, she lost her family, friends and even herself.. to choose btw her new found fame/love or her previous identity, she struggled.. eventually, she confessed abt it yet was accepted by majority..

well, while others are either laughing out loud throughout the show or sobbing over the show, i was again in deep thought, my own world again.. reflection time again.. thought abt 3 stuffs.. the 1st one was abt plastic surgery.. if im not wrong, korea probably has the highest plastic surgery rate in the world.. will this show be trying to portray tat plastic surgery is actually ok as it is an act looked down by many?? is it ok to look gd by altering our natural look?? we are living a world tat is so pratical abt gd looks and beauty, tat we overlooked our own inner beauty.. statistic shown tat taller ppl get paid more than the shorter, those with gd looks get better job prospects than those who looked average.. the media has been trying to portray tat ugly is the new beauty, but who will ever truly embrace tat idea??? not the next decade definately for sure.. if undergoing surgery tat will help to improve ur life drastically, juz life x-treme makeover, will it justify???

next, tis movie somehow reminded me abt my own past.. obese was wad i used to be.. fat but joyous n carefree.. probably like the main female lead of the show, to eat wad i wan in the world without the fear of being fatter (since i was already fat) however, in sec sch, i had a crush on tis classmate.. to be in love without being able to express, how painful it is.. only can view her from a distance.. i didt even dare to confess a little bit of how i feel toward her, as i noe tat i would definately get rejected.. juz becoz of my size.. i suffered so much by dieting n exercising hard to slim down juz to hope tat i will be accepted.. eventually i managed to slim down, yet i still didt dared to confess to her.. the fear of being rejected is always there.. becoz i put in too much, tat y i fear of losing.. thus, i became over concerned abt my own apperance, tat one day i will become the plump self i used too.. i became insensitive, selfish, n in fact judge others by looks too.. something tat i used to loath in the past.. i lost so much juz to slim down.. like the show, my relationship with friends n family and my own identity.. luckily, i wasnt tat extreme as i used to be and tis movie served as a reminded to me not to forget my past.. not to judge by the cover on others, like i was used to.. even till now, tis fear still resides in me..

lastly, the part tat the female lead "forsake" her senile dad for her new found fame reminded me of my sad family problem.. it was so similar to my grandfather incident, where he was abandoned by both his sons, which in turn my mum n dad hav to take care of him.. suddenly, tis show touched me so much as it seems to reflect my life..

oh well, hav to book in later juz to book out tmr.. watching spiderman3 on tue.. hope it met the expectation of all..

Hurdles Of Life

2007-04-13T22:28:00.000+08:00

Life as a private in ns is pretty slack for the time being.. other than the morning pt, the whole day is fairly fine.. we enjoyed alot of benefits that we dun while we were still recruits.. to think of it, the new intakes for bmt was juz recent.. yuan siao, caixiang, melvin etc went in i think.. ha.. imagine them getting shaved, juz like what i 1st went through 3 months ago.. time sure flies..

well, i cant really blog much abt ns cause i might "accidentally" reveal military secrets.. military police (mp) are all around to catch offenders.. so muz be very careful to ppl out there who have low level of awareness ya.. many of my platoonmatez tat got posted out of kommando (our slang) went to different units, like infantry, amoured infantry, rp, signal etc.. and received numerous feedback tat they regreted opting out in the 1st place.. hmmm, dunno how is it like out there, but no matter what, they hav to make full use of their time.. maybe it might not be as bad as they think?

saw john (council) on good fri while having lunch with church friendz.. went to ocs.. going to be an officer.. haha.. cool.. but gonna be tough too.. heard quite a number of pioneers going into ocs too.. wish them the best of luck..

received a call from smu yesterday when im doing sentry duty as the leaders went pasir lebar to train.. guess what??? it was from the school of business!! yeah!! said i was supposed to go down for interview on 28th of april.. but, what? i was also called by the school of infomation system (SIS) one week earlier to go interview!!! and it was on 21st of april.. (the interview was also one week earlier then the business one) gulp.. well, hav to be honest tat SIS called me earlier.. so i told the lady on the phone (from bus school one) abt it.. den she was like.. "err, oh, they called u?? hmmm.. ok, i got to check again.. will call u later.."

and i haven receive her call yet..

errr, does tis mean im losing the chance to go for the interview for school of business??? dunno.. but hopefully, they call again, cause i put business as my 1st choice n SIS 2nd.. nevertheless, im ok with either.. (contradicting huh?) watevea la.. was thinking what my dad told me.. he told me tat i should not applied for too many uni.. cause if all three of the uni i applied happen to accept, i will hav a tough time deciding where to go.. gosh..somemore, i applied different courses for differentl uni.. (engineering for NTU, business-related courses for SMU and arts and social science for NUS) problematic as im actually ok with taking either one of the three courses above!!! and what dad said was veri true.. i was already struggling btw SIS and Business for jus only smu.. damn..

weighting which uni to go, all three uni have what i wan.. smu: easily accessible (direct bus) cool, hip, n my ideal sch and fav course.. ntu: hostel lifestyle with quite a well recognise engineering degree.. ( coz my dad is working in the engineering field and is a well known man in his field, if i steer toward engineering, i can easily get into international companies through my dad = means steady future = no worries abt job) nus: oh, quite accessible somehow, but cause it is a very recognised uni in the world and hostel life too.. also social science is quite attractive to me.. u noe, socialising n stuff..

my dad will of course wish tat i will enter engineering (means ntu la) though he will still support my final decision.. this really put me in a tough spot.. cause my preferred path is a tough one (smu) the business world is veri competitve.. plus it might not definately assure you a good job.. i seen cases of ppl who graduated from business courses ended up in other field instead, like teaching etc.. so diff from what u learned in the uni.. on the other hand, engineering will allow u to not only enter engineering field, but even to business too if u wan.. (no limit imposed in business world) soooo, my theory is ... an engineer might be able to take up business related job, but the businessman definately wun be able to enter the engineering field.. get it?? no? den too bad..

melissa is probably going oversea to study.. hope she chooses the path is desires ( which i believe she will) good luck for ya interview ya.. (oh, tis mean F4 not not Hi-5 !!! ) oops..

for unknown reason, i became quite mean nowdays.. as in, im not as concerning abt others as i used to.. kinda of like in my own world thing.. not to the extent of isolation la.. think ns made me more "pratical" or maybe materialistic?? i more interested in activities tat i will gain in (self-centred?) and less as caring as i once was ( bo-chap?) geee.. seems like im going against my principles ya.. gonna do some reflection in the corner ya..

watched alot of movies since i enter ns ( ns again, everything seems to revolve around ns.. if u dun believe me, for those guys who juz enter bmt, u will suddenly realised tat singapore has actually alot of botaks serving ns when u didt even notice they existed before u enlist.. interesting huh? but true) watched the number 23.. was quite a spooky show.. imagine one whole life revolves around a number and u cant seem to escape from the vicious cycle tat ur mind put u into believing every bad things happened got to do with the number..

and again, my ns matez (again) and i came up with our "so-called number " : 7

reasons??? juz pure crap.. see, this is how we came up with it..
-our bunk got 14 ppl, and 14 is a multiple of 7..
-our bunk got 7 beds (double decker beds) and got 14 lockers, which 14 is a multiple of 7
-our bunk got 6(+1 for commando) fans (oh, commando got tis culture of doing one more than the usual sum needed, like if u are given 10 push-ups, overall muz do 11 becoz 10 and one for commando =11)
-we got 2 weeks of leaves tat we can take in a yr, which is 14 days
-we are supposed to hav 7 hrs of sleep a day to be sufficient
-our pay is 350 (recruit pay, suppose to be 650 coz we ar private, but due to some screw up) and 350 is a mulitple of 7
-there are 7 days a weeks
-we got tis sergent called murali, and he got tis fetish for giving we 7 extras guard duties if we create problems
-a dream of 7 murali, which each gave 7 extras, means total of 49 extras, which is a multiple of 7
-the leader course currently has 52 ppl (after dropping from 63) and 5 plus 2 =7

and the bullshit goes on and on.. tat what we do to keep ourselve entertained in ns.. dumb?? nah, creative

damn youtube.. heard they disallowed jap anime to be posted on youtube.. means i cant watch my naruto n bleach went i booked out.. not tat there is no other sources, but juz tat too lazy too download online.. sometimes, ns makes u lazier..

ok, blogged too much.. get back to slp... got to meet hi-5 tmr ya..

has been some time...

2007-04-01T18:54:00.000+08:00

wow.. pretty long time since i last posted.. alot of things happen again..

hmmm, 1stly, BMT is over!!! no longer freaking recruit now.. a private liao.. hehe.. dun get ordered around so badly too (though still get ordered though) to think of it, i missed my BMT times with all my platoonmates.. had POP (passing out parade) and did a 24km route march with full battle equippment.. was a veri significant event as it marked our graduation from BMT.. both dad n mum were there to witness the event.. get to wear jungle hat now too.. no more jockey cap!! (:

received A-lvl results too.. it was said pj did veri well tis yr.. well, wateva the case, my grades were average.. dunno if it is a gd or bad thing.. coz i didt think i studied hard for A's as compared for O's.. but again, dragon year batch, so can expect tons of strong competition from all over singapore.. applied for all three uni, but wished to get into smu the most.. think im fine wif any uni and course though.. juz tat hav to build up interest gradually..

dunno for wad reason, im always looking forward to booking out during weekends, but when i book out, im quite lost.. guess probably everyone is occupied with their own activities.. all the girls are mostly working n the guys in ns..

ns really drives ppl nuts.. ppl in there either think of training or girls.. well, no girl for me though.. maybe tats why life is boring when i book out.. everyone seems to get abit horny too.. haha.. oh, guess im not making sense..

probably too long didt blog, so dunno what to post too.. wadevea the case, i wish to complete ns so i can enjoy uni life.. wish to go back college life again.. gee, didt treasure those times when i should hav.. oh well, life still goes on.. hav to book in tonite again n be a spartan warrior again..

Ns.. oh bother..

2007-02-20T09:37:00.000+08:00

ha.. back from ns.. booked out.. in fact this is the third time I booked out from camp.. had to be confined for only 2 weeks.. well, camp is in pasir ris, so abit troublesome.. still, was thankful coz i heard tat ppl in tekong book out time is inregular due to the huge numbr of ppl there..

well, ns isnt as tough as i thought (compared of our parent's generation) guess becoz saf is much more flexible now.. they are training us more smart rather.. training is only tough for the 1st 2 weeks.. coz we hav not been truly excercising n our body need conditioning.. still remb tat my body ached so muc within the 1st 2 weeks tat I even had problem doinga single chin-up..

ns is enjoyable too.. get to know ppl frm different background.. for my camp, it is made up of mainly A' lvl students.. of coz, dere ar ppl from poly, ite or juz O'lvl cert holder.. tat did not matter anyway since we hav to go through the same stuff together..

love my platoon to the core.. we might be the slackest, but we always how result at the right time.. the cny performance by our platoon could be easily the best in the company.. guess mainly due to the fact we can get along wif one another pretty well relatively to others..

booked out almost every weekend.. before booking out, i always had tons of things to do in my mind.. but once we booked out, i juz stayed at home for the whole day.. gee.. lazy i think..

ocasionally, i do miss college life.. how i used to hate schooling n hw.. think of it, it was dumb.. the discipline imposed on u is definately not as strict as ns.. go town or play bball everyday.. eat wateva u wan.. college life sure holds fine memories.. wonder how is everyone doing.. A' lvl resul coming out soon, so can see the rest next week.. heard its on fri.. hope i did well (though i dun think so)

watched letters from Iwo Jima.. was a gd show.. its a show on ww2, where the japanese hold their final ground against the allied from entering ther homeland.. quite a depressing show.. coz it as a suicide mission from begining.. no support from homeland due insufficient troops and no retreat as it would be dis-honourable to the country.. fighting against overwhleming odds, a situation u wouldt wan to be in.. i gave some thought after watching tis show.. currently as a soldier of our land, will such a day happen.. to fight a war knowing tat u will not return alive, indeed it is disheartening.. definately a gd show as it portrays man's ugliness..

war is sweet to those who never experience it

oh well, booking in tonite again.. happy cny to all ya

give thanks

2007-01-12T05:50:00.000+08:00

well, will be officially going for ns soon in abt few hrs time.. taking a part of my life at tis moment leave some final words before entering.. hav been a wonderful start for tis yr, with numerous activities happening..

hav to thank my church friends for bringing me back to God.. one tat i had lost in the past, not the another way.. thx alot for constantly there for me ya..

all big n small friends i had in pioneer junior college, great time spent during my term in pj.. everyday was a brand new day for us.. 05 'O1, 05' O2. council, 05s17, nootka, chalets, 06' O1, gradnite, openhse or even juz a normal sch day, it juz rocks ya

n my family for everythingi had now.. take gd care yep

yes, my hair will be gone soon, but tat will be temporary lost only.. one must go through trials to be great.. no hair, shaven-lee.. gosh

ya.. gonna go.. give thx..

misunderstanding

2007-01-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

words are indeed destructive if they are used in a wrong manner.. harsh consequences usually follow along shortly.. so much for trying so hard to be careful with words n speeches, yet in the it still happened.. guess i still to be more careful, more sensitive towards others..

many things happened.. B.O.B formed, farewells, high n low moments etc.. oh well, wateva the case, ns is going to find me on 12th of jan.. my hair going to be gone soon..

hopefully, the misunderstanding could be cleared before i enter ns, if not everything will be too late..

Hello 2007, Byebye 2006

2007-01-03T14:36:00.000+08:00

well, now its over for 2006 and hello to 2007.. had so much activities over the past few weeks.. christmas, new yr, outings and more slacking.. ah.. post A's life is very boring.. i guess those who graduated feel the same too..

cant work coz going in for ns next fri.. kinda fast though.. still remb that time i went for the medical checkup, den some vocational assessment and, poof, became coco-cruch!!! no lar, enlistment liao.. get to hear various feedback from friends tat went in early for ns.. said was kinda slack.. like 1st week some sort of orientation n equipment check.. den book out.. could be same for me due to coming chinese new yr.. it could be different too.. coz they went in early for failing nafa or exceed the BMI limit.. therefore, can be veri tough for those going in for standard ns instead.. hehe.. to think of it, i haven been training much either.. guess i gonna get screwed inside.. bet i will get confined every week due to poor fitness.. i also notice i do things veri slowly (numerous feedback from ppl due last yr, esp between class intervals when we need to swap class)

might be gd actually to get confined in camp.. realised the public transport was damn expensive.. student fare for me was over when 2007 came.. a bus trip from $0.45 shot to a whopping $1.30 for stops between 2 stops (gosh) i finally understand when singaporeans made a big din over small rise in bus fare now.. standard of living in singapore really high.. cant go out tat often now as i wished.. veri budget

christmas was normal for me though.. on the eve had a dance performance in the night, but before tat, went to watch curse of the golden flower.. wasnt tat much action as i thought.. but think was quite a gd show though.. others that watched the movie said it was boring instead.. mayb tis suited for those who prefer to think deep, or likes lit i think.. not saying i like lit coz i dun like reading.. the plot behind the whole show is so complex.. piety and harmony etc.. the whole show protrayed the irony of the imperial family who is trying to set a gd example to the nation by following this household rules.. so much for piety went u go against ur father to help our mother.. gee more thinking again.. went back to church to perform.. was some hip hop cum R & B cum break dancing.. took numerous photos den went to meet hi-5 for a late steamboat dinner.. a long time since we came together..

when back to church again to stay over.. they had a bbq over there.. lots of games played, even hide n seek in the basement.. was totally pitch dark.. fine place to play.. bet will be the same in the forest for ns training.. yep, n this is how i past my christmas.. in darkness n fun..

26th of dec.. hmmm, had a nootka outing.. nootka offically one yr old.. met at douby ghuat mrt.. never made tat place a meeting point again.. everyone was waiting all over douby ghuat.. some at ps, some at the northeast line station, some at northsouth line station.. gee.. horrible.. nevertheless, quite alot came despite it was raining heavy n everyone working.. dined at fish n co.. there was this live performance (whose who went there before will know) n this female singer was singing.. then we delicate a birthday song to nootka.. but kinda weird especially one named nootka.. so everyone decided to use shahrin n named him "nootka".. and the brithday song was sang by the singer...

"happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to... Nootka??

happy birthday to you.."

haha.. was damn funny, everyone looked around and stared at shahrin.. who in the world will be named nootka??

went to mr ling wedding dinner on 27th of dec.. was at some unknown hotel.. majority of the class went.. wedding was attented by many other teachers too.. get to see a glimsp of the couple.. very well dressed indeed.. if im not wrong, mr ling likes ler since secondary sch days.. den they lost contact for 7 yrs? or so.. after tat they manage to come together again, den he confessed... haha wad a love story.. the night was great n everyone enjoyed themselves..

got a chance to play underwater hockey at queentown swiming complex.. was a great experience.. u hav to be fully geared, wear fins n snorkel to go underwater den compete with others to fight for the pluck.. super tiring too.. not because of the game, but the numerous time u hav to dive down return to surface for air.. if u got short breathe den tat too bad, which is for me.. was a "water lily" , mean floating on the water.. kinda underestimated the game.. now got more respect for the divers than commandos..

hav been sick after that, probably thx to the yong tao fu (if im not wrong) after the game.. think was food poisoning.. still went for a morning jog the next day.. couldt move around much after all those activities, yet still hav to go out with pubco and be the song leader for the sunday service 31st of dec, the last sun of 2006.. head was heavy n felt like puking.. oh well..

went home after sunday service to nap the whole afternoon.. wad a way to past new year eve.. woke up abt 6pm den cab down to celebrate new yr eve with my church friends again.. n guess wad, steamboat.. yuck.. similar to the yong tao fu i ate 2 days ago.. stayed over again.. but was too sick the next morning.. cab home n slept the whole day till nite, abt 8.30pm.. wad a way to past new yr..

watched a night in the museum yesterday at cine.. was the second time.. quite a nice show.. guess the humor revolves around mainly the cowboy n octavious roman guy.. den went to crystal jade to eat.. hav been eating too much good food recently.. tat y stomach upset..

remb i had a dream.. i dreamt tat i got triple B for A's.. was mayb a gd thing if it came true, but on a second thought, dragon yr batch again.. dun think its sufficient.. heard tat A's result will be announced on a single digit date of feb.. gulp..

wadeva the case, i gonna enjoy my remaining time n ns 1st.. the rest i will leave the thinking to be done later.. happy belated new yr..

picz from past events:

my sis n I (ppl keep saying she looks older than me.. come on, she is only 17)

An End or A Start??

2006-12-18T22:26:00.000+08:00

abt 3 more weeks to my enlistment date and im still not doing much of training.. gonna suffer ns.. always wanted to exercise, yet stood at home and played game instead.. it really going to be my undoing

have been going out alot recently with my churchmates.. dunno is it becoz everyone else ar busy.. but no matter what, i hav gave alot of thoughts into this.. i muz set my piorities right.. indeed, these are the only ppl i truly enjoyed with.. no worries, no stress, no voice raised, nothing.. juz fun, with everyone sharing everything purely from the heart.. conversations tat bond us together, like we used to when we were young.. guess we ar changing too fast.. so fast tat we even couldt remember we once attended lessons together, attended camps, fought with one another, ate together.. we grew up in such an environment.. now, all of us walked a different path, forgotten how we endured those times..

and we still hold on firmly to that special friendship that follows us in both times of good n bad.. tat's why we ar working to re-establish those ties we lost in the process when we walked alone.. im sry for walking out on u ppl when i began a whole new life in jc.. im sry for forgetting the moments we enjoyed in the past.. n becoz of all these "sorries", we distanced one another for a period of time, a time long enough to forget tat friendship we held.. im so grateful that we ar coming together again to relive those times.. give thankz..

hav a dance performance on christmas night.. yet wasnt practising enough.. hav to buck up wif the rest of the dance crews too.. mr ling's wedding is on 27th.. im not sure if the class has prepared anything for him.. not cheap to invite the whole class for his wedding.. he has been a great form teacher.. was our math tcher last yr, n both math n form tcher tis yr.. i guess the whole class sees tat he changes over the yr, from being a veri inflexible person to a open and expressive tcher.. got a wonderful pick, his wife is veri pretty.. ha, do wish the best for both of them..

hmmm, nootka outing on 26th of dec.. a veri meaningful day coz it will be exactly one yr from where nootka gathered n formed.. time truly flies n we hav graduated.. hopefully everyone made gd use of this final gathering we are having coz we ar unlikely to gather again for a common purpose.. we all... walked a different path..

leeches leech on to ppl very tightly, bring problem to others for their own needs.. uninvited, yet still persisting.. likewise for ppl, nothing but irritating.. stop acting pitful n try to gain sympathy.. u ppl out there know who im refering to so no use acting dumb.. pray that i dun take any action to bring u down.. its not im taking action, juZ that because u ar lucky coz u haven seen my true colour.. dun act as if u noe me so well when even my parents n sister dun..better watch ur back..

...a world to escape from...

Ain't We Blind?

2006-12-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

time to do some soul searching.. hav sort of lost touch with my religon for quite some time, guess its time for me to do something abt it..

one day i was staring out into the sky in a bus.. was cloudy n raining heavily.. den something striked me.. people always complained that there is no sun when ever its raining or cloudy.. well, of coz, we know that logically the sun will always remain there despite it was blocked by the clouds.. it's there all along.. juz that the instant thought that comes into our minds the sun is gone..

likewise, we complained that God isnt around when or He had forsaken us when ever we encounter problems n difficulities that are hard to overcome.. We were blinded at that moment of time, thinking that we were alone.. But no, God is always there.. juz that we were too dis-illiusioned with our lifestyle n and material posessions.. we choosed to believe that God forsakes us instead the other way..

same for me, forsake God.. time for me to take action

Pioneer Junior College Graduation Night 2006

2006-12-04T23:01:00.000+08:00

Theme : One Last
Venue : Swissotel, The Stamford
Date : 30th of Nov
Post-Prom Party : Club MoMo

guess i should devote abit of my time to talk abt gradnite, an event tat i hav always been looking forward to.. hmmm.. slept early the nite before so tat wun miss out the fun on the day itself..

woke up abt 8 plus to play game again.. cant do wifout my game.. think of it, im actually letting gaming controlling my social life.. for me, i either go out wif hi-5 or stay at home to play game the whole day.. not saying tat i regret doing the both activities mentioned previously, but i cant continue the latter lifestyle daily.. its like wasting my life aways..

start packing only abt 12pm den bathed.. took a bus down to city hall to meet hi-5 so tat we can check into a hotel room we booked earlier.. well, as expected, i was late again.. abt 20mins i think.. suppose to reach by 1.30.. gonna change tis bad habbit.. fell veri sleepy on the journey to swissotel.. guess due to the intensive gaming sessions i had for nites.. got a room on floor 28.. the balcony view covers the esplanade, suntec, marina bay etc.. quite spectacular..

3.00pm : we had settled down n the girls were leaving the hotel to do their make up with their respective stylists.. on the way down, we went to the swimming pool for a walk.. once the gals left, i n cj were strolling around aimlessly at raffles city.. got our lunch at subway, decided to go back our room to eat though.. in the room, cj was dropping his food all over.. end up in a disaster.. oh well

5pm: i n cj were slacking at the hotel room balcony n had a great time chatting.. never had we realli sat down to enjoy such time after A's.. the girls ar still not back, so we decided to start preparing ourselves for the nite.. started styling our hair 1st, den melvin join in.. coz we ar worried tat we will dirty our clothes, we were "naked", bare-chested.. its like the girls will come back any time..

6pm: the girls took much more longer than we expected.. everything was ready n we were dressed in our attire, except our jackets..

finally the girls arrived at abt 6.15pm, n start preparing.. believe me, its a scene u wouldnt wan to see.. the girls had their make-up done n they look great, something i will never expect to look like.. esp ying, super pretty (: put on the heels/shoes, jackets, perfume wateva, den hi-5 stepped out of the room n make our way for granite.. reached out for my camera, inserted the batteries, pressed the power button.. den the screen showed "insert memory card" ... was like WTH!! wanted to take gd picz for the nite, n i screwed up.. sianz

juz before the lift to the reception area open, ying said " ok, ok, confident hi-5.. " den we did the "woosh" thing again.. haha.. the door opened n i can hear music blasting.. not becoz of gradnite, but the barbie's live performance below (the reception area is above raffles city shooping mall) oh well, kinda lighten up the mood though.. took numerous photos.. can remb the veri 1st person i took wif is amanda.. eunice looked great! wore contacts n heels ya..

reached the reception area, everyone was well dressed.. was supposed to enter the ballroom, but the area was still packed.. probably everyone was still taking photos.. met up wif my table ppl (J4, ying peng, hi-5 ) took a few photos too.. den sign in at the reception table n enter the ballroom..

the ballroom atmosphere was wad i expected, classy n grand.. found our table.. it was nine.. yet was empty, coz everyone was all around taking photos.. the prom dinner started at abt 7.30pm.. emcee was flying dutchman.. he was a damn gd emcee.. his jokes were funny n intelligent.. the atmosphere was wonderful too..

dinner started n food served.. prom king n queen session too.. not to forget, more photo taking session.. took with nootka, pylos members, council members, classmates, various collegemates.. quite a memorable nite i will say.. sadly, no one from our table win anything for lucky draw tat nite.. doorgift was pretty similar as last yr though..

went back to hotel room to take a break before making our way to momo.. thx to melvin, we were able to reached momo quickly without much hassel.. well, clubbing wasnt as gd as i expected.. kinda boring to me.. the damce floor was cramped with everyone doing the same moves.. had some drinks, absolute volkan some other drink tat needs banging (dun noe wad is it called) saw numerous pj ppl, though impression of them changed after tat.. danced to abt 3.30am.. left caused my ears cant take the music blast any more.. ( btw, i think im abit partial deaf) took cab back to hotel..

5am: was exhuasted.. took a shower.. lied on the crouch, but couldnt sleep..

9am: alarm clock rang.. was supposed to hav mac but everyone too tired, went back to sleep..

10.50am: everyone woke up, start rushing to down to get a meal.. coz the menu for fast food changes to lunch.. weird..

12.30pm: went back to hotel room, made final preparation n check out by one.. made our way home

3pm: reached home, n gaming again.....

oh.. tat a "rough" summary for gradnite.. guess it was alright n cool.. below ar some of the picz tat i took tat nite.. (mind tat i hav to collect the photos from over 20 ppl juz to get them, all thx to the missing memory card in my cam)

enjoyed the companionship i had with u ppl,thx alot..

this post is for those who had made my life meaningful in pj for the 2 yrs, especially to hi-5.. never forget the times we spent together..

A song for u all :

Graduation ( Friends Forvever )

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real cool
Stay at home talking on the telephone with me
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
1 - As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can we ever find a job that won't interfere with a tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
Repeat 1
La, la, la, la…
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la…
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
Repeat 1 (3x)

i will like to comment especially on a special friend, lin chen jie.. u had been my best friend ever, staying by my side.. there nothing more i could ask for ya.. all i wan is to thx u for everything u had done..

friends forver

No More Excuses

2006-12-01T23:26:00.000+08:00

Back from MIA

2006-11-29T19:45:00.000+08:00

ok, A lvl is over liao.. means no more studying for the next few months at least.. juz actually merely 2 weeks after end of A lvl, im already feeling bored.. quite ironic when u desire so much for A lvl to end few weeks ago..

A lvl ends wif econ, den my gaming spree begins.. im currently waking up at 8, den play to 5, den go online and back to gaming from 10 to 3am at least.. think my body clock has been terribly disrupted.. never had so much fun wifout any stress.. or at least for not being able to complete the game or so.. think of it, im not veri comfortable wif tis form of lifestlye..

lucky got hi-5 around, if not my post A lvl will be only gaming ya.. hav been going out wif them, wif melvin joining too occasionally, almost everydae recently.. did tons of stuff wif them.. yesterdae juz went out wif them again to celebrate ying n cj birthdae at The Cliff in sentosa.. veri classy place, not veri recommended for student though.. haha, guess this is gonna to continue for next month too, wif blading, prawning, water ski etc..

cant believe tat gradnite is tmr.. so darn fast.. used to remb tat i was in the planning commitee team last yr.. hotel was in meritus though.. swissotel ballroom was so much better than meritus, so think our gradnite gonna rocks.. (provided everyone joins in actively) hoped the planning commitee for this yr got everything set out rite.. did hav gradnite in sec sch.. think tat sec sch n jc prom nite are veri different.. bet the girls are going to dress up like some presents n put up thick makeu.. mayb guys no diferent too?

spent a bomb on gradnite attire.. got almost everything from zara.. shirt,pant n jacket already cost abt $430+.. well, consider it as a form of investment.. painful though.. hope i will look gd overall tmr.. thanks to hi-5, if not i might not still able to find my attire..

well, meeting hi-5 tmr at swissotel to book into a room 1st.. gonna be a long boring afternoon.. the girls ar making their hair n makeup.. only left me n cj alone.. duuno if melvin is meeting us or not.. clubbing in the nite too.. wonder how the atmospherein such places..

wateva the case, leave it to tmr la.. hope i and the rest could hav a gd time..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YING AND CJ!!!

Arghh..

2006-11-08T17:05:00.000+08:00

2nd paper into A lvl and 2 terrible things happened..

terrible event 1 : had a fever yesterday when i woke up in the morning.. damn giddy and had to go back to bed with medicine.. lucky, math paper was in the afternoon.. managed to feel abit better before going for the paper.. felt the fever again in the examination hall.. couldt focus well though managed to finish the paper.. kinda worried if there is many careless mistake..

terrible event 2 : i lost my wallet tat xin n ying gave me last christmas!!! geee.. let me analyse the content n value of the wallet...
wallet given by xin n ying : priceless
atm card
ez-link card : $2.50 ( hehe )
neo-prints of my friends and I ( i rarely take neo-prints )
movie-tickets from shows i watched with Hi-5
Al-Meen Student's Value Card : 10% off everytime
Cash ( Main section ) : $38
Cash ( Hidden section ) : $ 150 ( ouch )

well.. still have to get on with living.. haiz...

juz abit more..

2006-10-18T22:41:00.000+08:00

ok.. my chapter in jc is finally over.. time to get over with A lvl.. there are so much tings for me to do after tat..

offical college days ar over last friday.. had a farewell assembly.. wasnt impressive at all.. was pretty bored throughout.. kinda crap.. the students hav to wait of the teachers to stroll into the hall for the event to start.. as if they were the stars.. however i can see tat tons of efforts were put into tis assembly.. juz tat i hoped there was more interaction with the crowd.. hopefully the gradnite isnt like tat..

nootka gathered after the assembly to do the tile ting.. we were again the 1st clan to start doing.. haha, we ar always leading in the way.. tink our design is veri unique.. sure standout from the rest.. went off wif songhoe to lot one to join our class for lunch at pizza hut.. we made a big mess there.. never felt better..

got back prelim results.. managed to pass all, but nothing to be complacent abt.. the main focus is still on A lvl.. no point ace in prelim when u cant do well for A lvl.. abit more to go.. abt 22 more days.. starting to feel the tense..

as for after A lvl, hav to start trainning for ns.. received the enlistment letter and will be going commando.. dunno is it a gd or bad ting.. veri prestigious but heard tat the injury rate very high.. gonna be a gamble.. no matter wad, hav to enlist veri early next yr.. on 12th of jan.. kinda turn off.. so little for a break.. cj, tian ning are olso going too..

back to mugging...

Announcement

2006-09-30T17:06:00.000+08:00

MUGGING IN PROCESS

abt 32 days to A lvl.. made a commitment to study in sch everyday till abt 6.. gonna be a long n tedious battle with myself.. farewell assembly in abt 2 weeks times.. 2 yrs pass veri quickly, esp tis yr.. forming a study grp wif xin ying cj melvin is a gd choice.. able to gain focus gradually... cant wait for A lvl to be over for all the tons of actvities planned to be carried out (:

gone again..

2006-09-23T00:38:00.000+08:00

prelim is over now.. yet i cant truly enjoy myself.. im so troubled wif my probs, esp in my studies..

yesterday was phy paper3 n econ paper 1 n 2.. phy seems ok, but my brain was burned out after the paper.. in section A of the paper, im supposed to choose 4 qns out of 6.. yet i didt read the instruction properly.. so end up doing all six qns.. result: i m too tired to do econ paper1.. my mind was totally blank for the paper.. all the work to prepare econ went into the drain.. guess im failing econ..

went to pizza hut at lot one for pubco outing.. had a wonderful time dere chatting while dinning.. been a long time since we gathering together.. missed those time where we slogged together..

today work up feeling moody.. was supposed to go out wif hi-5 todae, but didt feel like going initially due to yesterdae paper.. but tinking the "love" of cj, ying n xin, i turned up eventually.. it was a outing to make up for the birthdae celebration missed for me n mel.. went to the cathay to watch little man, den heeren to take neoprint.. saw s15 girls but missed jieyi coz of some "reason".. veri sinful n paisae.. after tat, we settled at wisma's starbuck den to the giraff for dinner n ben&jerry.. super long n tiring dae, yet meaning.. thx alot for organising..

much more barriers to crossin the cuming days.. hav to take one ting at a time.. hopefully i dun break down before A lvl..

gone...

2006-09-19T22:22:00.000+08:00

im in the middle of prelims now.. majority of the papers all over.. only left with econ paper 1 n 2, phy paper 3.. juz 2 more days to go n the prelims ar over

i got a veri bad feeling tat i wun do well for prelims.. kinda depressed after today econ's paper 3.. was like scribbling in the examination hall.. wasn in the right mind.. having severe headache now.. gonna fall sick soon..

was looking through the list of names compiled by zhisen garerern n ruirong.. they came up wif a list of "commendable pretty gals in pj" .. all of their names ar in mos-code to prevent others from knowing.. pretty humorous and funny for some names.. like lion n gorilla etc..

going to go out tis fri and blading next mon or so with hi-5 to take a break after prelims.. after tat, gonna mug like hell..

veri tired, going to slp...

haiz.. happy 18th birthday to me...

2006-09-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

Im officially 18th today.. so much could be done.. like learning to drive, to go pub, to drink, to smoke, to watch M18 movies and so on.. Life offers too many uncessary choices..

Though today is my b'day, Im not happy.. Im so troubled by the many various issues surrounding me.. And these problems will not stop haunting me.. I would say tat throughout on my whole life, i never felt so dispressed or disillusion..

There have been so much friction btw me n my family.. esp my parents.. they had pinned high hopes on me.. in fact, they believed tat i will definately make it into a university.. all the stresses due to strong pride n ego are crushing me.. of coz, i believe they ar concern abt me.. juz tat we ar unable to communicate as well as we used to be.. ny grandfather is already in a depression.. the fear of death had managed to change one greatly.. kinda hurts me to see him in his current state.. the veri grandfather tat carried me, help me cutted my veri 1st haircut, show me wif care, changed into a stranger gradually..

In my whole life, i know many friends in the process.. but rarely i managed to hav close quality ones.. tat when i start to emphasis strongly on building friendship.. but it seems tat tis brought many uncessary worries upon myself.. once surrounded by many ppl, i now find comfort from isolation.. i dun understand why im starting to close up again.. maybe becoz i tried too hard in building quantity friendships, n neglected quality friendships..

Academic is still my current biggest worry.. based on my current preformance despite my effort, my goal of entering SMU is getting further n further now.. How i used to underestimate A lvl in the past.. For once, im reali worried abt my future, my ability to take up the responisbility of getting into a gd uni, a gd degree, a gd job, the responsibility to take up the role as the only son in the family, my ability to give my family happiness.. Yes, i might worry too much, but its a fact tat the A lvl decides our future.. Tat one ting i reali hates abt singapore education system.. over emphasis on academic pursuit than talent development.. even if it is going to start now, its too late for many of us..

Im seriously lacking of motivation now.. dere ar times to be high n low.. but im seems to be in the regular side of low.. Irwin, the man of motivated many animanl conservatives around the world, died suddenly due a stab in the heart by my favourite seafood.. I guess tis shocked the world at tat time, many muz be disappointed, but life muz go on.. time and age wait for no one.. i do not wan to be the last to realise tat im the one being left behind..

Many thx to limhan, edmund, handzhong n weili for gathering together wif me to celebrate my b'dae at fish n co.. the most embrassing celebration i had.. thx hi-5 too for the gifts, will make gd use of them..

A personal thx to chenjie: thx for being dere most of the time when im down.. though we only noe each other for probably abt 1 n 1/2 yr, we managed to overcum many prob n enjoy happy times together.. U ar definately the one guy i will never forget in my life..

Prelims up in next week.. next abt 4 more weeks after tat will b the veri 1st A lvl paper.. soon it will be over, along with my chapter in Jc..

Artist : Yellowcard

Song : Only One

Broken this fragile thing now

And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces

And I've thrown my words all around

But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)

And I give up (I give up)

I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down

And I can't, I can't hold on for too long

Ran my whole life in the ground

And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel like giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do

You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly

Leave a note for you my only one

And I know you can see right through me

So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one, no one like you

You are my only, my only one

My only one

You are my only, my only one

...Happy Birthday...

the world gives nothing

2006-08-22T23:13:00.001+08:00

why should i give the world when the world only gives up on me??

hate, anger and despair flow through my blood.. the fight for existence...

anguished agony

2006-08-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

im seriously feeling the 3 negative emotions now.. agitation, agony and depressed..

agitation: i dun know why am i feeling so vex recently.. mayb is my academic performance or so.. olso, im getting more sensitive toward more friends.. juz find wad ever they do irritating.. i hate those hypocites around me.. one moment critise abt a certain stuff, n next, they ar doing it.. cant explain the amount of agitation in me now.. it juz make me cant stay focus.. worst of all, i cant let go of them.. how i wish i could go to these people and yell off at them.. somehow, time is wasted in being gd to them.. and oh, i dun love to rant VULGUARITIES at others..

agony: i seriously hate myself for not able to perform well in my academic.. so how it became sort of a desperate attempt now.. prelims is juz abt 3 weeks aways and im now still NOT showing progress.. life is in a mess.. my personal life is screwed up, my relationships wif my parents and friendz are screwed up, studies ar screwed, level of tolerance is screwed.. i cant handle social relationships as gd as before.. where were the happy times i used to enjoy?? nah, they ar gone.. not to cum back..

depressed: feeling badly low.. no word to describe.. has been isolating myselves from ppl.. dun feel happy.. like a trash.. hate wad i am.. ARGGHH.. im losing control over myself..

...hating the veri existence of ur own,
how easy it is if u could just give in into your anger and fear...

unnecessary attention..

2006-08-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

my knee is acking like hell now.. it didt get any better over the weekend.. i fear tat tis could be a "long run" prob.. gee.. went for the commando vocational assement.. nothing much special.. did IQ and EQ test, medical check which took 1 min, some physical test and an interview.. quite satisfied wif my performance for tis vocational assement.. did 4 chinups (silver for NAFA), 45 situps and 45 pushups in a minute.. but standing broad jump super paisae.. only 225cm.. my knee juz couldt let me perform.. heard a "CRACK" when i jumped.. never felt gd..

national dae celebration in sch too.. didt noe or attend the college's celebration prob cause was performing.. knee haven recover at tat moment.. so hav to bear wif the pain n cut down moves too simple ones.. turned out not bad on the whole la.. we didt reali practice alot, so can consider acceptable.. hope the college got a better impression of break dance, not going straight to the ground to do all those stuns, but a mix of freezes n dance steps.. last performance liao.. so another committement strikes off..

met caixiang yuansiao n shahrin after celebration.. went for a lunch and had a gd conversation.. did some GP lessons for caixiang.. den they came to my hse to play.. magic cards, ps2 and pc.. all running at once.. still, i tink they enjoyed the naruto game the most.. both caixiang n shahrin were super excited lor.. hmmm.. oh, for yuansiao sake, everyone bought large package of milk to drink.. though mine is soya bean..

err.. we were supposed to leave at 5pm.. den 5.30pm.. den 5.40pm.. and we ar supposed to meet the rest of nootka ogls at 6pm at orchard mrt station lor.. shahrin went home coz got family gathering.. took a cab n pick jieyi up along the way.. reached abt 6.15pm.. marilyn yonghao yvonne were dere.. grace couldt come coz she was sick.. came to a decision to dine at nydc outside heeren.. everyone had a great time, i tink.. christine joined us later.. chatted abt everytink.. from superman to c.p.t to menstratual cramps to asprin.. all digress like hell.. den yonghao suddenly reminded us tat we were late for fireworks.. rushed all the way down to suntec.. den yuansiao went to toilet.. suddenly, "BOOM, BOOM".. the fireworks started.. didt noe if yuansiao got pee on his pants or not but the sudden shock.. ran to the menoir of WW2 to view the fireworks.. doesnt impressed me though.. cos mayb i get to see lots of it in year 2002, where i was part of the NDP choir.. went starbucks but end up at a kofu food court.. left shortly n went home..

i hav to admit tat its hard to organise an outing.. if possible, i wish tat i would not be the one organising it.. so many considerations came into my mine when planning.. where to eat, wad to do, who will come etc.. den when majority is planned, tings juz dun go as planned.. the nite before the event is the most stressed one.. ppl msg to tell u last mins changes and stuff.. rarely ar gd ones.. indeed, i was veri dishearten yesterday nite..

will be limping park for at least the next few days.. hope i get a gd rest from national dae holidays.. dere is a long war waiting for me to fight.. hey, u noe wad??? i seriously tink my love toward u is juz veri shallow afterall.. tink i shouldt tink too much instead n focus more on my piorities..

do u make my like worthwhile?

alienated..

2006-08-02T22:03:00.001+08:00

hi, im back.. hav been some time since i last blog.. many tings happened too..

dance crews went to orchard to perform 2 weeks ago.. tis is the first time i truly get a chance to busk.. well, we juz came out wif a set a new dance to try.. actually, we haven fully master the steps yet.. so i would sae tat we were pretty lucky tat majority went well despite some screwups.. still could remb tat i was trying to learn handstand and was falling many times.. badly injured my back and knees.. could walk properly for abt one week..

went for roller blading with pylos peepz on 23/8 at east coast park.. quite a few turned up.. learn someting: never go blading or cycling on weekend or public holidays.. i didt expect to b tat ex.. still be had lots of fun on the day itself.. tis was the 3rd time i bladed.. picked up the technique pretty quick.. mayb becoz i skate before or juz pure guts..

hi5, chong-hoe adn melvin went to plaza sing to watch movie.. ate at mahattan fish market 1st.. dun tink got any much different from fish n co.. juz tat fish n co got more variety.. the movie we watched was the lakehse.. i hav to admit tat tis is quite a gd show.. veri interesting n a gd twist in the end.. tis movie allows me to learn alot --- to treasure wad u hav n not to take for granted.. went to melvin's clubhsec pub, the legend, for a drink.. drank quite alot.. kinda understimated them.. coz they tasted less ''medicine" from the previous experiences at fish n co.. wahav s abit high tis time.. went home wif chong-hoe.. on the way back, bad traffic caused the bus to jerk regularly.. mayb becoz the alcholic drinks were mixing in my stomach, i suddenly black out but enough to aware wad happening around me.. didt faint so never throw face.. chong-hoe still thought tat he hav to carry me home.. lol.. felt veri bad but managed to recover after 15mins.. reached home n slpt veri well.. Zzzz..

today is another long day..lesson ended early though.. den went for owens tack n field trials.. ironically, i performed better for 100m dash than the long jump.. i always had the mindset tat i excel in long jump coz i didt veri well for standing broad jump.. guess they require different techniques totally.. badly injured my left knee for long jump due to poor landing.. went for national day celebration rehearsal.. couldt do anyting.. only can watch.. sianz.. knee hurts too much.. dunno is it joint prob or so.. tink go see doc tml.. wad i truly fear is tat my knee cant recover in time by next tue to perform.. tat will be damn pity.. going to b the last break dance performance.. so i wan to join in..

tml need to go ns vocational assessment.. sianz.. dun wan to miss lesson.. heard tat is someting to do wif entering commandos.. im not interested in it.. tink gonna act dumb for the IQ test.. organising a nootka gathering wif the ogls on next tue.. hope tat response going to b gd.. dun tink we will get another chance to gather again after prelim.. my regret is tat didt managed to organise one for the whole nootka clan.. haiz..

well, prelims starting in abt 5 more weeks time.. bday during sept holidae.. dun tink can enjoy tis one for tis yr.. gonna b a veri intesive period of my college life.. guess i will juz take one step at a time for now..

you made my life worthwhile...

alienated..

2006-08-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

wadz happeing to me???

2006-07-15T19:38:00.000+08:00

last sun was a veri long dae.. woke up in the morning to go sch to prepare for the dance performance in the evening.. barely remb the steps after a long break after the previous performance.. i reached sch only to realise tat we were leaving sch striaght for sentosa wifout any practice.. reached sentosa n headed for the musical fountain.. was supposed to perform dere, but rainned eventually.. had a dry run on the fountain stage.. pretty screwed up as we forgot when to cum in n numerous misunderstanding.. luckly they were cleared quickly.. in the end, we performed at the ferry terminal.. response tis time was so much better.. mayb becoz of the venue.. the floor surface at the terminal was veri rough.. ripped the skin on my palm while practising.. ouch.. went home 1st to change den rushed to mel hse.. hi-5 gathering dere for an overnite stay..had tons of fun n rubbishes.. watched world cup final together but end up laughing throughout the whole session.. slpt at 4 plus..

woke up late, abt 745am on mon morning.. everyone rushed to use the toilet n gobbled our breakfast.. sat mel's mum car to sch, but still late.. 1st time late throughout my whole study career.. met hi-5 again after sch top celebrate xin's birthday.. went to the cathay for bens n jerry.. hmmm.. still prefer hagen-das.. crossed over the street to dine at the fish n co.. had great dinner.. everyone ordered a alcoholic drink.. mine was someting-lava.. tasted like some bitter medcine.. bad pick.. felt abt high after the whole meal, probably due to the drink.. but tink cj n xin more drunk.. went home n take a shower.. slp..

last wed was investiture.. cant believe tat one yr passes so fast.. looking back, i had managed to acheive much through council.. all the friends made in orientations n events.. it helps to expand my social life.. tink of it, i cant believe tat i managed to progress so much in my characters somehow.. invest was pretty smooth to me compared to our invest last yr.. juz some audio screw up (understandable cos the ava crews ar made up of new batch of j1s.. muz be hard on nicolas for tat) many of us exchanged gifts n stuffs after tat.. managed to noe a few yjc guests during some interaction time.. everyone, esp the 6th, was veri high.. sat in concourse to play games n chat.. nite passes veri fast..

invest was supposed to b veri emotional n happy one.. but i was rather badly troubled tat dae.. received majority of the mid-yr results.. results were bad.. i hav never gotten suchill grades before in my whole life.. felt so depressed n inferior at tat moment.. put on a weary smile for the whole dae.. was actually tinking abt my grade instead of enjoying invest.. well, i guess dere no one to blame but myself.. sometimes being ur best is not enough.. esp when u ar rather in consistent in ur work.. i dunno how to face my parents, my teachers, my friends.. so ashame of myself.. no amount of words can express my shame in my whole life..

went to mr tong's hse for some hsewarming cum 6th/7th gathering.. i hav to admit tat tis bbq gathering is so much more lively n fun than last yr 5th/6th bbq.. many photos were taken, gifts given out, or even tears exchanged.. my truly proud of my sucessors.. now wat i can only hope is tat u ppl dun fumble upon the incuming waves of stress n challenges..

had a long chatting session wif mdm ong abt my grades.. i had never chatted to any teacher abt my personal life before.. felt so guility for faring badly in her sub.. seriously, i dunno wad am i going to do in both near future n future.. the idea of even making into a uni even shaken.. guess A lvl is reali not a game like the O's.. i seriously unestimate tis challenge.. no matter wad, i hav to arm n embrace myself for tis chapter of my life..

love is driving me crazy.. some words ar hard to sae.. pls, let my heart turns to stone.. so tat the unbearable pain will b gone for eternality...

haiz..proper sch term starting tml

2006-07-09T11:27:00.000+08:00

have been buzy helping out n attending the invest reherasal wif the 7th sc for the past 3 days or so.. working wif them starts to change my impression n mindset toward them.. they ar pretty united n efficient in a way.. well, investis on tis wed, so yar means officially step down..

the past few days after phy papers have veri hectic, not study, but play.. playing too much can be tiring too.. thurs :went blading wif hi-5 n ying/mel classmates for whole afternoon.. den town in the nite.. fri :went to townagain to get some stuffs for pubco juniors for invest.. den met zhisen n rongxiang at bishan.. after tat went sch to for investiture full dress rehearsal.. leftat 9pm plus to meet zhisen n garerern and they came my hse to stay overnite.. stood up till 4 plus.. sat :woke up early to meet john n gang to lan, break dance in the afternoon.. phew..

today hav to go dance practice later den perform at sentosa musical fountain.. dunno how big is the event.. but hope tat it wun be like the summerfit festival.. hav tomeet hi-5 after tat to go mel hse n stay overnite.. gee, lucky tml casual wear day.. wondering is the sch gonna do anying abt youth dae tat we miss.. the cumming week gonna be a long one...

hav been feeling veri rotten recently.. life is heading wifout any direction.. lost.. kinda afraid tat the jc sch term will be over soon.. time flies quickly.. still could remb tat i was laughing at mr dennis yeo tolk on how short jc term would b.. 1 and a half year has now passed.. gona enjoy jc life to the fullest..

Artist: Mcfly

Song: All About You

It's all about you (It's about you)
It's all about you, baby (It's all about you)
It's all about you (It's about you)
It's all about you

Yesterday, you asked me something I thought you knew.
So I told you with a smile 'It's all about you'
Then you whispered in my ear and you told me to,
Say 'If you make my life worthwhile, it's all about you'

And I would answer all you're wishes, if you asked me to.
But if you deny me one of your kisses, don't know what I'd do.
So hold me close and say three words, like you used to do.
Dancing on the kitchen tiles, it's all about you.
Yeah...

And I would answer all you're wishes, if you asked me to.
But if you deny me one of your kisses, don't know what I'd do.
So hold me close and say three words, like you used to do.
Dancing on the kitchen tiles,
Yes you make my life worthwhile,
So I told you with a smile...
It's all about you.

It's all about you (It's about you)
It's all about you, baby (It's all about you)
It's all about you (It's about you)
It's all about you

yep.. its all about you..

there she goes...

2006-06-30T09:11:00.000+08:00

he stood there as she walked by, so close yet so far... tormented, ravaged..

there she goes... there she goes again...

oh well..

2006-06-25T21:58:00.000+08:00

hazel back.. 2 more dae to resume back to mid-yr exam.. empty wallet.. sexy phone (by lixin).. unstable family.. frustrated ,vexed, confused thoughts.. wan to learn piano n continue learning guitar.. shaken faith.. fetish for subway..

so much to do, so little time..

world wifout strangers?? rubbish

2006-06-20T00:49:00.000+08:00

could't fall aslp so tink tat i should update my blog fer now.. same old worries, revision for mid-yr not ready yet.. abt 1 more week to go n the papers ar cuming in.. gp was horrible.. guess not going to do veri well for tis exam..

phone broke down too.. blame myself for throwing it around.. now hav to switch to the LG (Life's gay by xin) phone which is not veri user-friendly.. but dun tink im gonna use tis fer long.. eying on the nokia n91.. pretty cool.. juz where to get the money??

hav been drawing money from my bank after applying for the atm last month.. lacking of discipline over money issue.. tinking of canceling the atm card..

yesterdae was father's dae.. everyone turned up for the celebration wif my grandfather.. i guess tis "family" is bonded by my grandfather now.. once he is gone, i bet tat everyone will go their wae.. im fine wif it anyway.. i never like my uncles in the 1st place.. they ar bastards tat throw my grandfather around n refusing responsiblility to take care of him as sons.. instead, the daughters' family ar doing the job.. im not trying to sae tat its not our responsibility to take care of him.. juz tat i felt tat it was not fair.. all my grandfather wans is to spend some quality time wif his "sons".. yet, one by one came by wif absurb excuses to push the responsibility.. one is a ex-gambler tat almost ended up wif a broken marriage.. another one wif another wife.. cant take it.. dun understand why my parents can put up wif it.. even my "aunty in-law" is an ass.. keep boasting how wonderful he was.. now my grandfather is suffering from depression, thanx to all of them.. i wun bother to acknowledge them once my grandfather is gone..

im not going to go down wifout a fight.. the more u wan to suppress, the more i will retailate.. i will show u who is the real loser out dere.. one by one.. time to show the assertive side of me...

Time waits for no one..

2006-06-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

times flies quickly.. n 1 week has passed.. pretty screwed up coz still got so much haven finish study.. well, tink im gonna go b to college to study almost everydae.. mayb tis is the best wae to stay focus..

a veri happening week.. 1st on 4th of june.. nootka ogl outing.. quite a high number turn up for the gathering despite orientation period is long over.. guess the bond we built up over the dec holidae didt vanish wif the spirit n mood of orientation.. 12 out of 17 supposed to turn up one.. but end up me, joseph, yixin, grace, marilynn, jiaxin, yuanxiao, caixiang, shahrin, jieyi turn up.. yonghao got high fever tat dae, songhoe got family prob, christine juz came b from pre-u sem while yvonne mia for a veri long time.. was long forward to tis outing, until songhoe n yonghao last min msg me tat they not cuming.. somehow demorailsed me ya.. went to al dente to eat, service wasnt as gd as it used to be but food not bad.. had al fungi.. yum.. though everyone sat together, i kinda felt someting is missing among us.. probably the enthu in us.. i dun feel tat energetic as i used to be.. after we left al dente for hagen-das, i was slience for the rest of the night.. i was troubled by the awakwardness among each other, as if im a stranger to them.. n i felt i did pull down the mood of the night.. everyone was like waiting for me to sae someting.. as if im still a clanmaster.. no, im not.. pls dun continue to see me as one.. we ar now friendz.. caixiang: thx for the heart to heart tolk tat night in the toilet.. to tink tat u used to always cum to me to share ur prob.. it turns out tat u were the one listening to me instead tat nite.. marilynn, sharhrin: thx for accompanying me to mac to hav a late supper.. had a gd chat wif ya too..

got council retreat on thur.. turn-out rate for the sentosa outing wasnt at gd.. but still enjoyed myself veri well at the beach.. still could remb i used to cum to the beach last yr at tis period of the yr wif the pylos family.. sentosa did has alot of major changes.. went to costa sand resort at east coast.. new learning exp tat dae.. get to experiment wif in-line skates.. uesd to tink it always same as ice-skating.. but somehow, they ar different in a wae.. still manage to pick it up quickly though.. fell once only tat dae in my palm despite wif the guards on my hands.. cost me dearly for tat.. almost went into the bbq pit too coz cant brake the skates.. phew.. if not roasted zhao.. veri fun dae too..

today.. went dancing for the summerdance fit ting.. went to sch early at 10am.. training till 12.. den lunch.. den we change n go to somewhere outside indoor stadium to perform.. veri disappointed wif the poor turn-out rate.. hav to admit.. program is veri boring.. the dae we were performing is dae 1.. got a bad feeling tat we where dere juz to fill up the empty dae 1 slots.. like decoys.. but wateva.. screwed up my dancing too.. the stage was slippery n i slip n miss a step.. den my injured hand due to the skating crash didt allow me to dance veri smoothly too coz i hav to freeze wif my hands.. veri painful but hav to endure.. went to subway to hav dinner n den to the basement under espanade to watch n learn some stuffs from the ppl breaking dere.. tink we learned quite alot n definately improving the dance step for the 9th of july performance at sentosa.. long wae to go..

i realised im some time surrounded by irritating ppl.. their presense dere doesnt help to improve the situation.. den their actions pissed me off.. im starting not to reserve my skeptical thoughts for such ppl in future..

cant understand

2006-06-01T19:53:00.000+08:00

y muz u ppl keep saying tat we ar not doing anyting?? i simply dun understand.. its not like we didt contribute anyting to the college.. yes, sometimes even i myself hav to agree tat we do seem slack n mis-behave.. but dere ar times tat we need rest too.. n it seems to happen tat u ppl saw tis side of us most of the time..

its not tat we cant accept criticism or so, in fact, we will be more than glad to sit down n listen to them.. but wad? all we received so far ar juz negative comments.. yes, dere ar pioneers tat do support us, or at least make contructive comments abt us.. as in pin-point exactly where our fault or so.. wad the point making a big fuss by juz saying "sc sucks" or redundant.. nothing is going to change for the better by such comments, instead more misunderstandings n unhappiness will be kept within.. i hav friendz tat do not reali like sc to the core, but at least they do show some minimal form of respect by voicing out our errors politely.. we ar 17/18 yr old adults, should its time we start to tolk rationally??

wateva the case, in my term throughout council, i noe many ppl of different background, characters etc, n i do not hav anyone seriously anti-sc to the core.. if u condsider the pioneers not cheering wif us during the rugby finals as a fine example of anti-council, so be it.. no matter wad, they will still be ppl cheering wif us for the rugby.. i dun understand y muz the anti-council sentiments muz be brought from pj to home team academy n be presented in front of the jj, sa, rj n even our fellow pioneers.. i dun feel anyting pround by doing tat.. isnt the intention to cum down all the wae juz to support the rugby?? tat probably y the cheering culture never started in pj all along..

i muz sae tat though the negative comments n strong criticism ar mentioned, tis do implies tat dere ar or many pioneers ar not reached out by us.. guess becox we ar unable to cater to the whole college.. im not saeing tat the college cannot do wifout us, in fact the hse exco ar doing a gd job now.. but time is needed to build up college spirit n culture.. wifout tat, i personally find it hard to be attached to pj, let alone pioneer students to support sc..

we ar not expecting the sudden amount of support thrown to us by the college, im juz hope tat we can practise mutual respect among one another.. if one has a heart filled wif hatrated toward others, no matter how much the other party does toward u will definately seem as redundant.. yes, tis do happen in me too toward my frienz too n im practicing hard to control myself from tinking in tis wae..

its olso saddening to hear tat sc was the last choice among us when its cum to choosing cca, tat y the qualities ar so bad or so.. but to tell u, many of us hav our own individual ccas b4 entering council.. dere ar councilors who were in pj sports where some made it into sch team, some ar invited to join the performing art ccas, some were in clubs like odac or so, dere ar even a few tat hav their own external ccas like ncc or fencing.. im not saeing tat we regret joing council or so, but all these ccas above ar interesting n enriching.. who would wan to give them up for council?? yar rite, for better testimonial.. if working for juz a better testimonial would be the only push factor sufficient enough to help us endure the past one yr of hardship n stress, i bet council would hav cease to exist few months after investiture..

to tell the truth, i was invited to join choir after orientation becoz i used to be president of choir in my sec sch.. i turned it down almost instantly.. i got into odac after jae orientation n i seriously enjoyed myself wif the fellow odacians, but still the week b4 the induction camp tat im definately a true odacian, i pulled out.. not becoz im freaking out or cant take the hardship of odac trainning.. in fact i luv treking n hiking, but i noe tat is not wad i wan for the rest of my jc life in pj.. i was too offered the post of hse exco, but yar, turn down again.. here, u can see tat i was offered abundant of opportunities tat i could enjoy in many aspects than council.. not tat testimonial is going to be SOOO MUCH MORE attractive, but the experiences tat i received was much more enriching.. i get to noe friendz not only in choir, odac or hse exco, but even more like netball, touch rugby, volleyball, takewondo, humanities club, chinese orchestra, band, sci n tech club, dance, mindsport, art society, chinese cultural society, ava n more.. the circle of frienzs i had is definately much bigger b4 i came into pj..

as for cheering, will u hav cum out to cheer for ccas i mentioned above??? though we didt not manage to cheer for every single cca, i bet we ar indeed trying to start a new culture here in pj, the same culture tat rj n sajc ar expriencing now.. do pioneers look forward to enjoy such bonds n friendships?? yes i do.. but if dere is no one to even initiate it, when ar we going to?? ar we going to let every single competition participated by pioneers supported by their cca-mates or fellow classmates for future to cum?? we ar not going to progress anywhere tis wae.. im fine wif the comment tat we didt cheer veri well for the rugby boys match.. tat is one comment tat i do take in n accept.. council doing insufficient during our term, yep i agree.. we hesitatiated alot during our 1st half of ur term n it do cost us dearly.. tat where i guarantee everyone out dere i will do my veri best to mentor the 7th council, n ensure tat they do not commit the same mistakes as we did.. all i need is ur support toward the 7th..

rite now, im focusing on mainly on gradnite com.. i hope tat dae tat i n joseph made the presentation on it manages to impress majority of u ppl.. i dun noe y tis yr response is pretty gd, probably becoz our cohort is bigger tis yr.. no matter wad, im not going to be complacent abt tis n my fellow com-mates will do our veri best to make gradnite a success.. (who would wan to wreck their own gradnite?) i can only promise tat gradnite would be a true success provided tat everyone works together closely.. in a wae, everyone plays a role in the planning stage of gradnite.. no point having the best entertainment com, the best door gifts n lucky draw, the best hotel for gradnite.. the audience, us, plays the biggest role for tis event.. i sincerely wish tat we can enjoy our last moment wif the college-mates together b4 we take off n steer toward our individual goals.. veri soon we will be singing our college song in tears on 29th of nov in swissotel.. hopefully more pioneers will join tis memorable event before gradnite.. now im try to convince rongxiang to join gradnite.. i hope tat fellow pioneers will convince their friendz too join join gradnite if they haven..

i hav been troubled by issues regarding council since i stepped into it.. n i i dun tink i will be able to stop worrying abt it either after i step down.. no matter wad, i wish the 7th the best in wadeva they do..

tml is a veri hectic dae.. hav to go college for math lesson, den gradnite meeting, den break dance practise.. guess my jc life is not going to be simplier for the time being.. seriously worried abt my studies.. still not doing much studying for now..

yesterdae, im disgusted by one of my classmate action.. we were playing bball in college, n there were other friendz dere too.. at one moment of the game, my classmate was pushed n he held grudges abt it.. the game ended up in a short fight among them.. cant understand y ppl cant hold their emotion.. tis classmates im referring to always make fun n is insentive toward others, yet he himself cant tolerate it.. tat probably how human work..

nootka outing tis sun.. going to esplanade to eat.. tink its going to be a gd exp for everyone.. quite some time since we last had a gd gathering.. tis time response is pretty gd too.. 12 out of 17 ar cuming.. will b long b4 we going to gather together.. heard tat og26 ar organising a outing too.. pretty surprised tat they ar still keeping contact wif one another.. kk.. time to go ya.. chaoz..

the veri 1st time nootka gathers together during ogl camp (27th-29th of dec)

moment to remb (:

2006-05-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

todae is the college day.. means the opening ceremony of the Santuary, the student centre.. hopefully tis will be well-received by the college n not end up used by the council only.. student centre does reali impresses me.. thought it is gonna be juz like another container class.. but wow, it changes over juz a few dae.. veri cozy feeling.. hav to thx those who helped out in making the centre a success..

some of the councilors went to Lot 1 to hav dinner after the whole event.. n we went to pizza hut.. we were split up into 2 grps due to insufficient seats and olso special reason.. hmmm... our table got dasen, laiyan, karmun, celestine, lishi, me, hugang , alvin.. den felicia n guangyi joined in.. were tolking abt council issues n the 7th council... den tink it is abt too off la.. we should juz sit back n relax.. den i thought of wad i did on the last night wif nootka ogls n councilors.. a heart to heart tolk which discussed abt 1st impression n strengths n weakness of everyone in the table.. n ya, it seems to work for everyone.. tis circle of trust ting reali do helps to bond ppl veri closely.. glad i did it for nootka

everyone gets a chance to share n express how they feel toward each other.. well, i had olso a fair share of mine.. while we were sharing halfwae, mr tong came in.. den we asked him for his opinion of us.. so he went briefly on each of us.. den he came to me :

hmmm.. zhaoqi... veri temperamental.. sometimes veri extreme.. err.. like... u noe... err

den i asked him to move on to the next person.. WAD THE HELL LA!!!?? wad u mean temperamental n extreme?? is tat all im remb in council term for??? made me feel like my stay in council was a veri wasteful one.. den tis let me reflect on my wae home.. howz was i like in my stay in not juz council but pj.. wad is my personality like.. after some thoughts, tis is wad i concluded :

im a guy tat is easily influenced by people around me.. my life revolves around ppl, n i hav to admit tis is my weakness.. i cant work wifout companion.. though i seem like im a slient n lone worker, i reali look forward to work in a grp.. mayb my past exo working in a grp is bad, tat y i often hesitate alot..

im not public speaker.. i cant speak in crowd..it has been proven in orientation 1.. wad a flop.. i will always get the chill down my spine wheneva i hav to do public speaking.. i hate doing the morning pledge taking duty.. i stutter when i speak wif someone unfamilar..

i like to tink.. not as in fantasying but to reflect on issues.. i find it hard to keep my mind blank.. juz get stressed up if i dun tink abt someting.. but all those tinking was make me worry.. tat wear i often becum veri paranoid.. i prefer to get tings done carefully than to rush them.. olso quite a pesismist too.. tons of negative tinking n thoughts.. tat y im always quite stern..

its not tat i dun like to smile.. juz tat i dun find the way i smile look nice.. tink i stopped smiling since sec 2.. after a horrible experience on my extreme makeover.. my personality changes.. ever i isolate myself from my parents.. used to remb i never like my dad.. in fact i hated him to the core.. the cold war i had wif him.. everytime at home, we quarrel.. however, we always put up a false image tat we ar veri loving.. many tings happened btw me n dad, n now im proud to hav him as my father.. (:

i reali do concern alot abt how ppl tink of me.. maby veri ego.. n i reali DO CARE wad ppl sae abt me.. the postive n negative stuff.. i will remb it for veri long time.. seems to be a irony when i keep forgetting important stuff like hw n events.. i hate ppl how critise abt others phy appearances.. tis is a veri sensitive issue, even for a best friend.. i get veri pissed off when my classmates tease songhoe abt his size.. lucky for them songhoe got high level of tolerance.. if not i will slaughter the person who said tat to me.. n im not joking abt it..

tolking abt my luv life.. had been in a mess all along.. got two relationships in the past.. both end up in a mess.. guess im no gd wif gals..

academic was kinda bad.. im only good in math.. but it is insufficient in A lvl.. i need more than tat.. wan to go SMU..often lack of motivation..

im trying to get use to interaction wif ppl.. only gd at personal level, the heart to heart tolk kind.. always got tis veri bad mindset tat its ok not to noe u.. veri kiam pa.. ya.. working on my negative personalities to improve myself..

yep.. tat wad my life all abt in short.. life is always complicated.. n hard to dicipher.. wateva the case, i reali believe tat slp is impt to me as it somehow affect me mood for the dae.. so yep, time so slp.. (:

sleepy..

2006-05-24T20:48:00.000+08:00

fridae is cuming, n tis means trouble.. gp paper on fri.. sch seems to take the mid-yr pretty serious.. afriad tat might screwed up my papers.. haiz.. didt study much too.. hav been a bad term for me.. unable to find the motivational energy to leave home, let alone to study.. though pretty lucky tat recent tests did pretty well, sheer luck is insufficient.. never believe luck exists anywae.. A-lvl is to big to joke abt.. juz hav to find some wae to focus in my study..

been feeling restless lately, super sian.. hav been inattentive to my surrounding ppl.. get veri vexed easily.. mayb too many irritating ppl around.. mouths ranting non-stop.. wth lar.. sleepy too.. the orientation prob cuming back again.. starting to slp in class n lectures again.. the more i slp , the more tire i get..

ohh.. got my atm recently, didt noe tat it could be applied within 5mins and i had be wanting to get it for abt 5months.. hmmm.. wonder how to use it.. shall i spend it on hi-5 1st or the nootka ogls outing at esplanade??? wateva the case, hav to manage myself.. tink i hav to be more responsible in my money.. starting a junior saving account, saving $20 a week.. tis wae my bank account wun go burst like my frienx..

came back from the council elect camp last sun.. hav to admit tat the 7th elects ar not veri active in some wae.. majority ar quite passive.. hoping more could impress me.. dere one tat caught my attention : nicolas i tink.. strong leadership.. can be reckless, but i tink becoz he wans to stand up n help the rest sincerely.. fauiza too i tink.. not bad fer 7th council.. even shee kwan impresses me too.. thought he is juz loud, but could be a gd worker too.. great to be in gradnite :) 6th council is considered to step down unofficially, but the gradnite still got lot of stuff to settle..

tink tis june holidae is going to be a veri tough n long one.. cant affort to be distracted.. gonna stay away some of u ppl for the time being.. haiz.. starting to tink of u again... still bringing colours to my life.........

dumb

2006-05-16T20:57:00.000+08:00

read mel blog.. was tolking abt power rangers.. reminded me abt someting.. used to like yellow soooo much, until i watched power rangers... now, tink i prefer black n white

intense

2006-05-14T20:03:00.000+08:00

its sunday again and sch starts tml.. hw starts to pile up too.. haha.. blame it on my laziness.. oh.. wateva.. tis holidae was well spent.. manage to to go out wif the hi-5 to the zoo.. long time since i last went and many tings changed.. new facilities n enclosures ar built.. the hippos ar shifted to somewhere else.. guess the singapore zoo did live up to its name as one the few best zoos in the world.. it rained too during our visit to the zoo, n we hav to take shelter.. and wad? we met mrs annie loh n her family.. had our picnic too.. took tons of picz ya.. we got ben n jerry b4 be leave.. tink tat hagen-das tasted better though..

we went to orchard after tat, wanted to watch movies but tickets sold out.. end up following the gals for shopping.. yuckz.. looked for scrapbook for hi-5 picz but too ex.. maybe get them another dae.. dine at fish n co, wonderful dinner.. so long never truly enjoy myself tat much since after orientation..

haiz.. woke up early on sat morning to go sch to do council stuff.. tis might be the last few council gathering b4 we offically step down.. exco meeting as usual, but tis time was meaningful (not same the usual ones ar not meaningful though) we sat n discussed wad opportunities we had lost during our term to make both council n college to becum better.. followed su to home academy to check the venue for the rugby final.. we alighted 1 stop earlier n had to walk abt 1 km to reach the academy when the buz actualli stop rite in front of it.. lol.. the stadium is big, n many ppl needed to fill them up... hopefully we can gather enough ppl on wed to cheer.. gonna b a final showdown, not juz btw jj ruby boys but olso the jj council n their peepz..

well though stepping down soon for council, gradnite still got so much undone.. starting to worried abt the tables issues.. dunno if the table of ten ting could be balance for all tables..

i tink i cant adapt to the cheerful n loud version of me.. too un-natural liao.. olso look like a idiot too.. well, guess i still tink hi-5 ar the most reliable grp of friendz i could depend on in pj.. the rest gonna be juz the 2nd piority den.. no more clowning around liao.. too much effort n time wasted..

downed

2006-05-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

aww.. veri sickly today.. woke up at 3pm.. got a terrible eye infection.. muz be someting to do wif the contacts.. so much undone hw too.. my right eye is going to pop out soon.. dunno if can go sch on mon..

didt attend much of the break dance course yesterdae becoz of council.. met the 7th-council to be.. hmm.. nothing much to comment abt them.. saw one potential publicity head to replace me.. used to tink tat xinni was the one lor.. olso hav to prepare intensively for the upcuming cheering event for wed rugby match..

hav been veri tired for the past week.. maybe becoz didt slp well.. did Nafa too.. all did well except chin-up.. did 3 though, not bad compared to the past as i used to do 1 only.. still got much to train.. tink i wan to retake 2.4km too..

looking forward tis fri.. going to zoo wif hi-5.. quite some time since i last went dere.. abt 7 yrs at least i tink.. gona be a fun dae before mid-yr exam starts..

as for gradnite, i tink i wan to start work on sourcing out for good entertainment com 1st so tat the new gradnite com wun need to work so hard.. hopefully, the new gradnite com lives up to expectation..

gonna slp soon.. eyes hurting again..

More than wad meets the eyez..

2006-05-01T21:43:00.000+08:00

3 days pass so fast and sch starts tml again.. im starting to get veri worried for my A lvl.. not enough preparation done too.. it's may liao.. time juz passes so fast wif waiting.. many opportunities were lost too.. haiz..

im starting to fall apart.. cant seem to abosrb much in lecture n tutorial.. bad.. doing quite moderately for tests too..reaching saturation point liao.. ARGHH!! realise my short term memory is getting worse too.. forgotten all abt integration liao.. die liao..

i songhoe ruirong garerern n glenn signed up for the break-dance course ting by dance club.. heard tat if we got into the course, we will be part of dance.. hmm.. wonder if i made a rite choice though.. i truly enjoy dancing, but exams ar so near now.. if i had placed my time and commitement wrongly? dancing is cool and fun lor..

sch life pretty boring recently.. nothing special happened in sch nowdays.. same o same o.. go to sch in the morning, sing the anthem, go to class for tutorial, lt 3 or 4 for lectures, breaks, bell rings, go home, take buz, shower, eat study, slp.. everydae is the same..

life is a wheel of risk.. u take the wrong step, u suffer.. same as for relationship.. once over, nothing can be done.. ppl ar acting so strange to me, as if i dunno them.. or is it i isolate to long from them?? wateva the case, i will juz do my best to stay optimistic ya (:

Voice-out

2006-04-23T01:51:00.000+08:00

--------------------------------REFLECTION TIME------------------------------------

hav been pretty busy tis week.. sport ccas are competing against other jcs for tis month.. so far, council has been actively taking part in supporting the ccas.. many of my classmates ar involved in the competition.. hope tat they ar doing well..

suddenly, council played a big role in college.. student centre, supporting team pjc, organising elects camp.. phew.. many exco meeting too.. struggling to catch up in hw and studies.. actuali kinda worried for council now.. everyone put in so much into it and finally some results are showing.. too bad we stepping down soon.. council, council.. u reali make me tink alot n mature.. u forced me to become from introvet to extrovet.. trained me to do public speaking.. interact wif ppl tat i might never will.. u open my world.. to tink tat i used to tink tat 6th council is gona be the same as the rest of council before us.. im wrong.. we were different.. yep.. juz dunno why, kinda feeling abit lost tonoe tat we hav to step down soon.. maybe i cant bear to go, or maybe i cant leave to my responsibility behind..

haha.. still remb tat when i was choosen to be the exco in charge for gradnite, i was hesitating.. i been always a leader so far in my life.. but to lead in such a big event, i was never prepared for tat.. lost.. howz should i start?? hmmm.. thx goodness tat the com was understanding.. went through all the tough stage of planning.. facing the black faces of j2s coz the previous gradnite batch never lay the foundation properly.. one after another, we jumped over the hurdles.. gradnite 2005 was over.. now 2006 cuming.. i felt great when fellow collegemates cum to me telling me tat they prefered us staying on to plan gradnite for tis yr.. maybe our effort paid off.. haha.. finally, i can relax.. wonderful com i had.. definately one the best team of ppl i worked wif.. joseph, khalis, cj, xin, mel, serence, fiona, yulun, jieshi, teckming, joshua, abraham, jensen, laiyan, lishi.. thx yar.. u guys rox.. i hope u all enjoyed the working experience wif me ya.. time for us to enjoy our gradnite

looking back, i tink i changed alot.. high, low, high, low.. series of changes.. pretty optimistic in my stay in pjc.. used to remb tat my temper flared up easily in sec sch.. ppl respect me coz they fear me.. lol.. when i 1st came pj, og mates n classmates thought i was super dao.. hmm.. mayb i was reali tat dao.. lost many chances to noe more ppl.. tink of it, i hav less than 6 months before A lvl.. should reali cherish wad i hav now.. smile.. hmm, the way to be happy.. its working ya.. (:

hi-5 hav been pretty busy lately.. both hw n ccas.. tink we should find time to go out and take a breather.. ya ya, sometime im veri lazi, tat y so much hw got piled up.. so hard to start mugging.. seemed to feel veri numb.. guess brain reach maximum limit..

my class 05s17 : so much hav changed.. we will continue to bond closer.. fun..

J4 : hmmm.. called ourselve jimmies coz we were so addicted to one starwar flash clips.. my next closest clique in pj.. zhisen, songhoe , garerern.. tink we were the most enthu ppl in class.. often invite trouble too.. *glup*

ha.. nootka ogls.. great time together.. though we noe one another for such a short time, we prove tat we manage to stand out from the rest.. err.. dun bother abt the comment on all the ogl gals in our clan ar chio n guys suck.. all chio to me la (: ~noot~

ah.. 05s16.. PAE class.. so long no contact liao.. wondering how u ppl doing now??

council : great working exp wif u ppl.. 6th council the best (: (cant find a proper pic, only got pubco )

pylos : clanmates of 02.. we rox man.. ogls n o2 members.. everyting from us ar original.. cheers, moves, etc.. (: next outing cuming soon..

high-5 : ying mel xin cj n me.. we ar the best.. ( time to get new clothes.. always wear the same stuff)

yep.. these ar the main ppl i made in pj.. dere ar many more.. hav to thx for the wonderful exp u ppl gave.. k la.. sound like sucide note.. lol.. time to slp liao.. super late.. pray hard tat i will start studying seriously now

soon, all these will be over (: (happen to realise all my post super long.. long-winded)

wad the hell wrong wif me..

2006-04-15T22:00:00.000+08:00

wad wrong wif me??? had been feeling veri irritated for the whole day.. dunno why.. lost my caculator, com dc-ing, tons of undone hw, mrs tan's dumb policy to suddenly push up the amt of work for us all after common test.. wad is holi for??? teach less learn more, tat wad they sae.. hw hw hw is wad teachers all noe to issue.. dun they hav life?? all care abt their own respective sub.. tink we only take ur sub?? council gms all day long.. phy test setted so late in the evening.. cant they all use their brain?? ARGGGHHH... damn frustrated.. feeling like yelling at anyone who try to piss me off now.. one conclusion: life sucks

Its all about You All..

2006-04-14T23:55:00.000+08:00

finally friday has arrived.. now is 11.55pm.. abit more den 12 liao.. haiz.. its seems tat holidae passes so fast.. need a longer break lor.. sch is now all abt mugging n eating, eating n mugging.. no wonder ppl get fat so fast in jc.. no time to play sport or excerise.. sian diao.. realli cherish the time used to had in j1.. life was so much slower and lighter in a way.. so lesson learned: make gd use of wad u own and possess

yesterday was the longest sch dae in the week.. end at 5pm.. still, i enjoy myself totally.. the week was in a way well past.. so far doing gd for everyting except econ.. like a vicious cycle.. when i do well for econ, i cant manage math n phy.. when i try to focus in math, phy n econ turn bad.. veri sianz.. muz constantly stay consistent, if not will fall behind.. the flaw of singapore edu: exam based system (learn it from GP) Pe was ok as normal.. the prob is tat songhoe n rui rong forgot to bring their pe shorts.. i hav no choice but to wear the smaller (and shorter) short instead to lend the other pe short i intend to wear (which is longer) running was horrible.. esp when i tried to spring in the last lap.. the short practically went "whoosh!!" its juz got higher n higher.. veri sexy.. den pe shirt also veri long, like i never wear shorts.. super gay

went out wif edmund, hanzhong, weili n limhan to suki sushi at cine.. had a gd tolk.. seems quite long since we last chatted.. hmmm.. we were still close together after all.. juz tat maybe im not spending enough time wif them.. after tat, hav to go for nootka ogl outing.. onli quite a few went coz was organised pretty last min.. response not bad though.. we all crapped lots of rubbish again and enjoyed the whole session.. miss the time we had together during orientation again.. haiz..

celebrated my dad birthday too.. though i tink tat we were not veri close, i can reali feel tat he cares abt me alot.. juz tat sometimes i get to hot-headed and ignore his advices.. we dun tolk to one another often too.. the only time we reali "chat" is on the way u send me to sch.. i bet i disappoint u lots of times.. im sry dad.. super useless.. ohh.. btw happy birthdae and thx alot ya.. :)

world wifout strangers.. hmmm.. a veri gd phrase.. in tis world, we constanly depend on one another for support and attention.. guess tat why God created me and u.. hav struggling within me.. working hard to stay cheerful n optimistic.. do feel much more happy now, but at the same time abit fake.. mayb still trying to get use to it.. hav been too serious or moody during j1.. im going to treasure my remaining time in pj n noe as many j2s as possible.. response for gradnite is wonderful.. abt 59 tables already.. heard tat more ar still cuming in tml.. tink is going to be the highest gradnite turnout rate in pj history.. going to make tis gradnite a blast, so tat not to disappoint fellow collegemates.. yar, our gradnite.. we hav to work for it.. (:

friendz will catch u when u falls.. ppl cum n go in ur life.. but every single one has a meaningful impact in my life, though some u might wish tat u never noe them.. at least we acknowledge their presence.. tis means we care in a certian way.. every single action made by us will definately affects someone around us, directly n indirectly.. juz read a book: the 5 people u meet in heaven.. a wonderful book.. i dun reali like reading.. but tis book manage to catch my attention and i finished it within 3hrs.. learned alot from it.. n it kept me tinking.. i wonder who will i meet in heaven, how will heaven like.. reali lots to ponder on and makes me reflect on my past actions and thoughts.. veri ashamed of myself.. used to contain lots of hatre in me.. no trust in anyone, including my parents.. anti-social and unfriendly.. haiz.. wasted few yrsof my life.. gona leave them behind to start over again.. noe its gona b a long process, but i shall try to hold on ya.. (:

ohh.. if u all tink tat im dao-ing everyone, pls forgive me ya.. had some hearing prob since young.. mayb too close to tv in the past.. the sound blasted my ears.. so cant reali hear veri clearly.. so yar, pls understand.. olso develop a habit of look at the ground while i walk, so might not notice or aware wad happening around me.. so yar.. will try my best (:

k.. got TONS of hw to do.. hate holidaes.. sch always abuse them.. mayb coz we did quite badly for common test too.. hmmm.. will work hard to do well for A lvl.. dun wan to hav any regret in the end..

Its all about You..

2006-04-10T22:23:00.000+08:00

another week has passed.. getting closer to A lvl liao.. the thoughts of A lvl is juz abt 6 months away give me creepz.. the common test further worries me.. going bonky liao.. forgot wad i learnt after common test.. mayb tis is the trend in me to forget everyting after exam period..

meet parent session is veri dumb lor.. juz another chance for my mum to nag at me.. i hate it when my parents or teachers noe nothing abt wad i do in sch and go around blabering abt how should i manage my time.. hey, i am mugging in sch lor.. (though i seem to slack alot at home) everytime my parents only see the lazi or playful side of me .. never did they noe tat life in sch was hell la.. hav to manage studies, duties and relationships.. ARGHH.. juz complicated la..

i noe my attitude during meet parent session was veri bad.. even my classmates waiting at the back sae that i was like veri mean.. i noe i noe.. but it juz pissed me off to sit btw my ct and mum n listen to their conversation on how much i didt study.. im disappointed in zhaoqi's performance, disappointed in this, disappointed in tat.. heck la..

hmm.. tml is the 1st dae of the 1st gradnite money collection cum registration.. table should be more likely finalise.. sitting wif hi-5, shuang, garerern, songhoe, zhisen, yingpeng.. quite a nice combi.. kinda looking forward to gradnite though.. didt hav gradnite during sec sch.. super cheapo.. headache.. dunno wad to wear.. standard attire or someting unique?? tough qn to ponder on.. err.. A lvl haven over.. tink too much liao..

sooo many hw to do, so little time.. so much for the teach less, learn more policy.. y cant they cum up wif the teach less, play more policy?? my mind is always tinking abt someting.. cant rest.. never feel so intense b4.. going to explode soon.. hope the singapore armed force dun get me for terrorism..

tink tat interacting more is the wae to ease myself.. i hav been too uptight recently.. hav to destress ya.. nafa cuming too.. having intensive trainning for myself.. trying to do some chin up daily.. quite surprised tat i could do 5 now (wif proper rest) hope tat get at least a silver so dun need to go NS early.. hmmm... actuali go in early olso nevermind.. juz go camp and play ma.. take rifle and bag.. run around shooting at dummies.. n yummie ration.. haiz.. typical boys..

tink dere is going to be a council elects camp during june holiday.. heard might be 3 daes 2 nites.. quite long.. of coz, wun be as gd as ogl camp.. veri little ppl sign up for the student leadership ting.. all thx to the hse exco ting.. hopefully the applicants are not nerdy.. if not can go jump liao.. i cant seem to communicate wif nerds.. they make me go crazi.. wad ever the case, hope tat the new council is gona be gd

so long never hav proper excercise liao.. since after common test.. hav been eating alot.. haiz.. jc life = eat + study ... there juz no time to play bball or so.. still remb last yr got so much time for bball, netball, volleyball, and crap time.. time is catching up wif me liao.. aging liao.. all i could do now is to run only.. and on tracks.. where u go round and round.. is tat same for life?? after some much been done, u still back to the starting point..

wa... i sound as if i was undergoing serious depression lor.. hav been abusing wad i learn from the last fri depression tolk.. hmmm.. "if i wan to die, would u wan to join me??" wad a hard qn to answer.. for unknown reason, im hav been trying to be cheerful n chatty recently.. yar, all i got was "hey zhaoqi, u ok?? why ar u so cheerful?? dun tell me u hav decide to sucide??" yar rite.. so much for smiling.. ohh.. im still tryin to learn how to smile.. i not a gd smiler.. need practice.. if not look veri spastic in photos.. btw, i was slping throughout the depression tolk

... 30mins had past n i cant believe i typed so much.. hmm..tink of it.. 30mins of blogging has many opportunity costs.. eating, mugging, slp, play game, watch da chang jing.. so much to choose from.. wadever la.. wanna go slp liao.. slp is important to me.. how my mood will be for tml depend heavily on my slp.. tis fri is gd friday.. public holiday huh.. haiz.. public holiday=more hw=more stress=depression= sucide? .. nah, i wun one.. so much tings i haven done.. like going to sch tml to whack songhoe and suan mel.. life is sooooooooooooo interesting.. wad a irony..

smilez is the way to stay happy

2006-04-02T18:51:00.000+08:00

many tings happened tis week.. n dere i go tinking again.. dere ar juz so much tings to tink abt.. take it as a form of practice to trian my brain.. hmmm.. all the results ar out fer common test.. did quite average, but veri disappointed.. esp phy.. the whole cohort didt do well either.. tink tat the papers ar tough, but tis shouldt be the excuse for no doing well.. all i hav to say is to blame myself for the lack of self-discipline.. err.. i wasnt realli studying during the sch holi break.. n was still playing during the common test week.. juz not in the rite mood for common test.. promos juz ended abt few months ago.. yet the sch said tat common test is more impt tat promos.. wad the heck la.. gave everyting for promos.. or is it juz my attitude??

tolking abt attitude, our sub tutors were all veri disappointed wif our result.. many failed quite badly.. so some reason, my result is considered acceptable in comparision to others.. cant imgaine howz will we fare against other colleges.. one ting for sure, our class definately enjoy ourself in lesson.. but we were juz too slack.. some were too tense up.. after watching kailing break down in class on fri, i tink tat we ar still do not understand one another well enough.. some of my friendz mug their way through, but still not gd enough.. mayb the phrase ur best is not good enough reali applys.. ms kat was olso veri disappointed in our econ grade.. i do reali admire her alot.. esp the way she teaches us.. she told we got Aplitude but lack of enough Attitude.. den i went huh?? Amplitude?? den songhoe, zhisen n garerern stared at me.. -___-ok.. Aplitude, i confirmed.. so yar, to obtain the best in everyting, aplitude n attitude cums in..

had the j1 dialogue on thur n j2 on fri.. the j1 dialogue was ok for me.. the mood wasnt tat high though.. guess tat the orientation mood is fading away in the j1s.. seems like a vicious cycle.. it happened to us, n now to the j1s.. watever.. when will tis ends?? council wasnt veri prepared for the dialogue i tink.. there was alot of transition prob btw coms.. kayda said tat i look veri funny.. errm.. no comment fer tat.. as for the j2 diaologue.. i will say the response is quite gd from the st assembly grp.. the whole assembly grp joined in wif the discussion when the topic on gradnite was presented by me n joseph.. they took were ok wif swissotel, which is gd.. i thought tat they would not want to switch form ritz carlton or fullerton to swissotel.. all thx for laiyan, lishi n khalis for the wonderful picz they taken so tat a short video clip could be made to impress the j2s.. n lishi for doing the ppt slide.. i luv the 1st assembly to the core.. we had so much fun together laughing as a whole lt together.. the QnA session was veri entertaining too.. n yar the NS.. lol..juz wan to sae they rockz.. the 2nd one is so much quieter.. yep tat for tat..

so far im joining the hi-5 and yenshuang for gradnite in one table.. tinking of asking garerern n songhoe to join along.. hmmm.. wonder who will be the suitable dance partner if the idea of having a dance partner for gradnite is approve.. nevertheless, juz take one step at a time.. kk tml another sch week starts again.. time to stay studious.. hmm, still trying to be more vocal ya.. juz hope dun frighten u ppl.. (:

arghh..

2006-03-27T22:18:00.000+08:00

internet still constanly giving me prob.. mayb should juz call the serviceman to cum down n fixed the com.. kinda getting veri irriating for everyone wif the message constantly appear in the window telling u tat u ar dc-ed

got back few papers from common test.. mixed feelings.. dere ar papers tat did veri well but got one tat fail me veri terribly.. 1st to receive was econ mcq paper1, den phy, den gp paper2, den math.. did beyond expectation for econ, math n gp.. but darn phy super lousy.. left a veri ugly mark on my report.. ~bish~

kk, not gona write veri long.. b to sch tml morning.. har.. tis thur got j1 dialogue session n gradnite dialogue wif j2 tis fri.. sianz.. juz hope tat wun falter (falterlisation)

the calm before the storm..

2006-03-19T18:17:00.000+08:00

common test continuing tml.. math n gp papers ar over.. left wif econ n phy.. spent the whole week studying these 2 sub, yet still doesnt feel veri confident abt tml econ essay test.. heck la, juz try my best n see howz my quality so far (though giving for best might still not be enough) the thoughts of me still taking chem came back.. by dropping chem last yr, my ambition to take up chemical engineering n following the footsteps of my father is over.. sometimes wheneva i look at my classmates how they handle their 4 subs, i was veri impressed.. was it becoz i lack of self-dicipline? chem wasnt veri hard actually n i DO like tat sub.. wateva, i will now focus n move toward to my goal of studying bisiness in NUS.. so far, i hav been always tinking tat im suitable for business.. the smart attire i hav to dress in, the important communicaion stressed during business deals wif clients, the many setbacks n failures i hav to face.. gee.. tis reali keep me tinking..

i hav been wondering on someting new.. ar we facing too much stress at our age, even for a teen?? looking back at the acheievements i had, rite from my sec sch life (im a bad boy in pri sch), i held many leadership roles.. class monitor to prefect to councilor.. hse cheerleader to cheerleader ic (hmm, irony isnt it?) choir sectional rap to the 1st male choir chairperson in guangyang sec history (oh, dun bother to ask me to sing.. i lost my ability to do tat since after orientation1) n now, council exco, gradnite in charge n many other more.. the roles of leader ar indeed a tough one (tough i take it quite lightly) im not trying to boast here, but tink of it, many of us get to feel the likes of the society 1st hand.. veri interesting but olso frightening.. politics, backstabbing, hypocritics on n on.. i often see su n excos of councils working veri hard in planning.. guess tat maturity n great deal of responsibility required.. esp when we hav to deal wif studies, duties n social relationships wif friends, family etc.. based on my working experience so far, i realised my style of working.. my performance ties closely wif my feelings, emotions.. wheneva im feeling mad or so, i tend to rush tings on impulse.. n wheneva im neutral or less moody, i could joke around, laugh, smile.. i too prefer working on building relationships before getting tings done.. like the orientation for example: i choose to build on purely relationships before going on to our clan cheer, flag or so.. i tink they agree wif tat ya.. haha, our clan flag wsa painted in 1hr (incomplete, tat y no so colourful) our clan performance was planned in abt 1 hr too? hehe.. n we played the most during ogl camp.. only clan to thon (if spelt rite) the last nite together (: n it reali pays off.. the most united clan.. Nootka, my pride..

yep.. went to sharin's og outing on last fri.. was veri reluctant at 1st, coz need to study (or lazy).. HEY!!! ITS AT EAST COAST U NOE!! yar, in the end, for unknown reason i was at east coast.. dun get fooled by the bbq pit no.. though bbq pit no 17 n 43 seems veri close (43-17=26), they ar in fact abt 1.5km away -____- luckily the large cup of iced milo from mac saved me from ending my journey to bbq pit 43.. phew.. n boy, i was reali impressed wif their og.. they ar still veri united till now.. though not everyone turned up, majority was dere.. get to noe many of the j1s too.. hehe.. out of the many j1s, one tat reali felt me a deep impression is yixian, the Dasen look-alike.. hehe.. interesting.. too bad i noe tis og ppl too late.. had fun all the way to 10pm n yet they were still reluctant to go.. (: yar i bet shahrin n yvvonne ar proud of them..

tink of it, i wonder how will my og be if im a ogl instead of clanmaster? who will i be pair up wif? hmmm.. veri interesting ya.. hehe.. im not sure will my og be as great as those in nootka, but i tink i lack of many tings tat nootka ogls possess: humor, syn-energy, enthu.. mayb i will crap all the way, mayb my partner will do all the job, mayb i might make them cry, mayb they will hate me.. arhh... I WAN TO BE A OGL!!! imagine the wonderful bonds u get to build wif the j1s.. it sort of excites me.. the yearnful looks shined on their faces.. the bes part is the finale of orientation where ur og members came to hug u, some wif tears on their faces, saying the thanks n appreciations they had for u.. hmmm.. no matter wad, i still appreciate the role i played as clanmaster during o1.. aiya, everytime say muz put orientation behind yet still dig n bring it out again.. sianz...

yep yep, back to reality, time to get back to study yar.. after common test i gonna play bball almost everdae.. hopefully the interhse sport competition applies for j2, so my class could join n enjoy the class bonding.. hmmm.. tat all fer now.. cya..

tinking again

2006-03-13T00:57:00.000+08:00

common test started.. guess its no time to fool around, yet im still slacking veri badly.. muz make gd use of my time ya.. haiz.. still veri packed wif duties and responsibilities.. hmmm, when will they end??

orientation2 juz ended.. means tat JAE has officially started.. my role as clan master has already ended long ago.. orientation2 remind me of the fun times i had wif the ogls.. yep, i hope we now look at one another not as clanmaster-ogls relationship, but as a friend.. stood back in sch after the the road run event for orientation2 finale.. road run was horrible.. got stiches while running.. haha.. same for rest of the class guys except zhisen.. so paisae.. the class gals were cheering for me opposite the cannal.. owens is a wonderful hse.. almost everyone cheered n play their part.. a veri promising hse in future..

didt do much for orientation2 finale.. tink that orientation1 is still better though the ogls n o2 members of orientation2 put in alot effort.. dunno y.. juz lack of the groove to make me dance tat nite.. gathered wif the nootka ogls.. yep, had dinner together.. later went to chat wif shahrin n caixiang.. had a gd time.. we were tolking how we were "conned" abt wad jc life all abt.. orientation sure can be veri misleading, esp when it is a gd one.. j1 still expects alot from the j2 ogls after orientation, tinking they can still constantly maintain the same mood presented during orientation itself.. guess tat j1 ogls for orientation2 will understand how we feel.. yep, everyone was asked to pack up and leave after finale, we continue to stay in pj locker area to chit chat wif the ogls.. its seem tat we all prefer few n simple activities compared to heavy n intensive activities.. juz like siting around n chatting can keep us entertained for hrs.. chat till eleven.. i still can see tat the bonds btw the nootka ppl, j1 and j2, still exists.. haha.. we were the only o1 clan tat cheered together during the finale.. good ya..

went to songhoe hse to stay over the nite.. reali enjoyed songhoe n his family's warm treatment.. his mum is veri understanding.. during my stay in his hse, i too realised many tings.. songhoe is truly a veri devoted buddist..though im not a buddist, i can see tat he reali put in his heart into his religon.. unlike me, i felt quite ashamed.. i juz dunno y.. the reglion im following for the past 17 yrs starting to stray from me.. i felt veri lost n helpless.. i dun spend much time in church or wif my church friends.. still, i hav to decide for myslef the road i wan to follow..

had gp n math paper already.. both are quite do-able (i tink) hopefully i will do well for the rest.. tis common test will help me judge my standard for now.. veri soon prelims n A lvl itself will cum.. time is indeed running run.. tinking of A lvl always remind me of gradnite.. still in the process of planning.. confirm is swiss-hotel.. wonder how will the sch response to the change in choice.. all thx to mrs tan' policy of having for full attendance of teachers for gradnite, we cant choose ritz carlton.. but still, after some quiet thoughts over the past few weeks, i start to see her rationale behind her action.. teachers do play a veri big role in our life in jc.. its naturally tat they should be involved in gradenite to celebrate thegraduation of their students.. olso, i realised tat ritz is too ex for many student though many voted it as the preferred choice.. yep, gradenite should be a event where everyone could participate as much as possible, and not to be affected by the money issue.. going to swiss hotel tis wed to take a look at the ballroom.. heard tat the hotel is quite classy.. hopefully it lives up to its expectation..

during tis period of times, i saw many different ppl showing every version of themselves, often ugly.. haha.. no one is perfect ya.. so great deal of tolerance and patience are needed.. kk.. time to end blogging for tis episode.. so stay tuned ya!!!

well...

2006-03-02T20:20:00.000+08:00

back from a long break from blogging.. same as ever.. hmm.. much has happen within tis period of time.. not reali tat much la.. probably becoz my clazz had been fun n funky all along..

love my class 05s17 to the core... it is veri easy to identify my class.. juz lookout for the most enthu grp in sch.. definately from my class.. all the happy times we spent in class were great.. the most boring lesson could even be interesting n exciting.. dun noe for wad reason, the guys in our class suddenly becum so united.. last time used to me, gare rern, zhisen n songhoe only ( J4 ) now roy, glenn, rui rong, chin yoong, rong xiang start to join us too ( band of brothers ) haha.. same for the gals too.. surprised tat kailing, sheryl n yen shuang so chatty too.. reali wonderful.. its the best class i could ever ask for :) thkz a lot for creating a huge impact in my life 05s17.. looking forward to hse meeting or so.. haha.. its always our class tat blast the stage away.. BOOM!!! hehe.. ( maybe the guys in our class make great cheerleaders.. oh, i was my hse cheerleading ic in sec sch ya.. ) so to other hses out dere, prepare to take a beating from OWENS!!!!!!!!!!!

realised tat im reali veri close wif songhoe ever since orientation.. in fact i tink tat he is the guy i trusted the most in class.. always positive n fun, he never fails to help one in times of trouble.. i do reali give my respect to him.. he is too my role model in life in a way.. he been through the darkest time in my stay in pj so far.. a guy tat understands u even though u dun feel like tolking abt it.. i believe he will becum a great father in future ( oops ) , i agree.. thz songhoe, u has been a great pal.. u allow me to appreciate sch life better..

well, abt today.. did morning duty.. got econ test today, so i stood up in the nite till to the morning to study.. so tired, but was in the rite mood to do duty.. so yar, i was with my classmates at a table, tieing my tie..

den i said :" haha i got morning duty today.. so glad tat the weather is so gd today.. sure wun hav hall duty today one..."

the morning announcement came in out of nowhere : " gd morning pioneers.. pls move toward to the hall for morning assembly.. i repeat, pls move toward to the hall for morning assembly"

k... yep, my friendz start to jack me.. thz a lot ya.. so now wad.. duty in hall.. wad the heck la.. !#!@^%!#@!(!)!#^!%$#$ i tried to calm myself down while walking toward the hall.. such a long journey, y cant they juz hav it in the parade square.. parade square = less walking ok, i was in hall liao.. manage to cool down.. den the bell rang.. the parade commander ( yong hao ) gave the command.. national athem played.. k, im not used to crowd.. so was looking around the hall to aviod minimal eye-contact.. all of the sudden, i manage to see songhoe ( btw he is quite tall, so it isnt hard to find him ) he was dere smiling at me.. den i giggle abit.. and wad, i lost my compose n cool.. felt so uncomfortable.. heck!!! y muz songhoe give tat MEGA ONE MILLION DOLLAR SMILE??? wan to go down n kick him.. but great power cums wif great responsibility.. i got a job to do.. said the pledge, wasnt tat gd though i tink.. went to find songhoe after assembly.. jump onto him at his back.. haha so funni n fun.. like horse galloping.. oops.. ( hope u didt see tis )

after econ lesson, we ask ask the leave mpr3 ( the lecture venue ) we like rushing out immediately coz the tcher wan to lock the room.. yar, n mr nice guy went to the other side of the room to off the aircon n light.. went i came out, the mpr3 was dark.. so the tcher thought i was the last guy.. she juz lock the room n we went off.. den i went to toilet to look for mr nice guy.. wasnt around.. hmmm.. someting fishy.. ask my classmates, they didt noe.. den sudden saw rui rong ran off den came back wif a key.. ran to mpr3 to unlock the door.. yar.. he was locked in the mpr.. haha.. well, in case u dunno, mr nice guy is songhoe.. he again.. -____-

haha.. sch life reali rox my life.. everyday is exciting n fun.. my life has indeed been colorful.. class, hi-5, council.. well, heard abt mr yeo's motivational tolk on cuming A level liao.. time to strive hard.. hmmm... looking forward for common test to end so can meet up wif hi-5 n nootka peepz.. yep, tml is the last day of PAE i tink.. hopefully the J1s enjoy their stay in pj.. tml is olso miss lee wedding.. haha our class ar attending it, will bound to give her a surprise.. had been feeling veri happy.. thx God for tat (: fav song is still palsm 23 ( chinese version ) a veri nice song.. kk.. got to study.. cya soon blog..

renewed

2006-02-16T22:07:00.000+08:00

hi dere.. back again.. long time since i hav last blogged.. again, many tings happened.. but tis time i learnt someting.. someting wad let e feel tat the world is so much more carefree.. and tis is the lesson to let go.. i hav trying to practise tat over the past few days, and wad? im so much happier.. i realised tat im smiling more nowdays (to my friendz).. olso able to see tings in a more positive way.. guess tat i hav to learn how to relax n leave all my worries to God :)

like i said, many ting happend.. openhse, mass bbq, valentine dae etc.. dunno wan to tolk abt openhse, too many events on tat dae.. IETL, carnival, rockopioneer.. wad a blast!! as for me, im supposed to take charge of the council booth.. however, the council booth is removed for unforseen circumstances.. lol.. so veri free, went around.. decided to station myself at the carnival instead.. help out at the j1s dere.. n facilitate the mass n fun dance too.. hehe reali enoyed myself..

mass bbq massbbq.. hmm the same dae the j1s got their O lvl result.. kinda nervous too, coz sis is getting her result too.. guess wad, she did pretty gd compared to her normal standard.. happy for her.. could get into pj, but she didt wan.. tink its a gd choice, coz she might end up stressed instead.. olso wun make a fool out of me.. oops.. anywae, turnout rate was considered quite gd.. had songs blasting throughout.. the ogls n i were busy setting up the fire n cooking.. HEY!!!! the j1s ar supposed to do the cooking.. NOT US!! so heartless -___- haha.. nvm, taking it as our final chance to play our role as ogls or clanmaster.. dance dance dance.. all the nite.. fun i will sae, but when will the next time im going to hear abt the songs we used to sing during orientation?? will pj able to enjoy o2 as o1? hmmm.. im unsure abt tat.. will be sometime till i get to hear n dance "its the time to disco".. oh yar, fer ya info, tis song cum dance is used by art sop den PYLOS, a clan in 02 as clan intro... so yar, a tribute to them.. :) thx nootka ogls.. helped out again in the clearing up after mass bbq.. u ppl ar REALI ROCKOPOLO!!! (sry su, used ur fav phrase) looking forward to meet u all again together.. tinking of having a dinner.. dun worry, will be my treat.. meanwhile focus on ya common test.. same for nootka councilors (laiyan, joseph, yixin, serene, kiajoon) nootka will be gone after the start of JAE n the leaving of some j1s.. still, it will stay on in our memories, n yep, we will continue to meet up ofr generations to cum.. my son, my grandson, great great sons etc..

n on the most recent event, v-dae.. was a disaster.. so boring for me (coz nothing interesting happened) got songhoe n gare renn wif my at least.. hmm.. desperate jimmies.. many gifts exchanged tat day ya.. err.. went to bpp wif christine, chenjie, ying, mel n yulun to hav dinner.. gee.. everywhere was crowded.. guess becoz its vday.. decided to go swensen, end up in jack's place.. now i understand y its call jack's place, coz they JACKED up the PRICE!!! $39.80 per person!!! can we affort?? dunno.. n goodness gracious me.. they dun even offer plain water tat dae.. true jackers.. attitude was bad too.. @$#%!$#@%... went to starbuck coffee.. service 11658432183176513465 times better.. a veri nice place to chit chat n update one another on personal progress in life.. :)

well, tat for the past few weeks (i tink).. oh, hazel left liao.. hmm guessed u will be missed by many.. all the best ya.. k!! tis time to getter back to mugger's life.. so cya again!!!

drowning

2006-02-06T22:22:00.000+08:00

im so tired.. one prob cums after another.. orientation den openhse now gradnite.. i screw up my personal life, relationship wif friendz, life wif God, my family, everything.. im so lost now.. but i dun wan help from others.. pls juz let me be alone.. i need the time to tink, to tink abt wad i had done n to salvage the prob.. i promise i will not be the one u used to see for the next few days, or even weeks, for tis is actually my true self.. i wan to be alone.. so, so tired.. so tired...

Are we mean to be?

2006-01-30T21:46:00.000+08:00

my life seems pretty boring compared to others.. stayed at home during cny.. juz dun feel like going out and see ppl.. too tired wif life n stress.. hav been slping alot recently.. tat wad my life currently revolves around.. many tings happened seems unimportant too me now.. mayb im starting to turn back into the monster i once used to be..

hav been quite unsoicable n unfriendly recently.. probably becoz my relationship wif God has been getting worse.. i do look upon him, juz tat i dun find the comfort n peace i used to hav before.. i noe im selfish, im self-centred.. mayb im trying to run away from the truth.. but i am weak by nature.. i juz dun trust the ppl around me.. those images keep haunting me.. so lonely i am, but help i do not wan..

dissapointing i noe i am.. i hav not been giving my best to my commitement.. one such gd e.g is council.. i hav been giving excuses to run away from my duties.. irresponsible.. but i reali do feel i hav nothing to give to council.. i am too disappointed wif it.. all of my efforts put into it seems vain.. tink of it, y did i gave up odac for council? y didt i choose to reject the position of exco when i was voted to be one? im so tired wif the "good boy" image i hav to give daily.. such a bootlicker life i hav to endure.. haiz.. juz few more months to give n its over.. initially wanted to step down rite after orientation, but su convinced me not too.. thx su.. u hav been veri supportive at the darkest times i been through.. still, many troubles n probs surround me and they ar aleady clouding my judgement..

ppl keep saying i should voice out my probs bottling inside me, so tat they could help n help me feel better.. yeah.. i too said the same ting to others.. but i juz cant practise wad i preached..

" juz tell me ur prob.. i can help.."
" y dun u share? i can be a good listener "
" dun worry and stay happy "

yar.. all these i said to others all the times.. i too seem to smile alot.. but deep inside me, im reali struggling.. dere ar so many tings the world fail to understand.. the power of love.. it has faded ever since.. yep, y dun i share my prob? i do always ask myself tat.. but does it help? ppl share their prob becoz they cant handle them and cant bottle them in themselve..they share their prob to u, u share ur prob to them.. wad a vicious cycle.. tat where i begin to start keeping prob to myself.. sharing is juz a way to push ur prob away, hoping it wun cum back.. everyone has their prob.. sharing will further increase the burden of those who ar already facing them..

im not blaming those who often share their prob wif me or i dun wan to listen to urs.. i dun mind listening to them.. juz tat, ppl ar always so insensitive nowdae.. tink we hav the need to learn how to be more careful wif our words.. still remb the dae sch celebrated the cny on fri.. after sch, i bottled everyting out onto songhoe.. thx alot dere.. still dun feel any better.. instead, i gave songhoe the extra worries he had to go through becoz of me.. haiz.. need to be more careful in future..

k.. i shall end here.. dere more to worry abt in life in all aspects.. still i will try to be strong, wif the strength from God, i will preserve till the end.. sry...